I made it with repeats so it miiiight work. Feedback?
Shattered
In the nighttime the world is
A black and white photograph
Everything still and lovely
Alone, ducking under weeping willows
Their tears brush my shoulders
You are only a shout away, it seems
Only a shout away
Alone, walking beside a moonlit lake
Pale silver painted waves
You are only a shout away, it seems
Only a shout away
Alone, passing that old bench we sat on
Just a lifetime ago
You are only a shout away, it seems
Only a shout away
I shout
The silence and tranquility
shatters
You are gone and here I am
alone
In the nighttime the world is
a black and white photograph
Everything still and lovely
2007-07-02 06:42:06 · 12 answers · asked by ツSpeckles 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Wow. That was really lovely. I love your conclusion. Actually, I love the irony in your conclusion. This was pretty writing. I actually teared up reading it.
Well done.
Turn it into a song? Sure why not.
2007-07-02 08:07:14 · answer #1 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes you could! if you sang it slow. but at the last line: In the nighttime the world is
a black and white photograph
Everything still and lovely
you should add: You are gone and here I am
alone
sing "alone" like twice
2007-07-02 15:03:06 · answer #2 · answered by Haley 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Interesting poem but a little too long for a modern song of today. It does have a ring of folk music. The title is offset by the phrases of' being 'alone' which captures my ear and not shatterd.
Spartawo...
2007-07-02 13:59:51 · answer #3 · answered by spartaworld.combat 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
YES!!! You should make a song out of that poem you wrote. Once I started to read it a tune came to my head...so I think that means it could be made into a song!!! Good luck! :D
2007-07-02 17:44:23 · answer #4 · answered by *luna's lover* 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to say this but that doesn't have a general rhyme or amount of syllables. It's too short to be a song and it's quite dull.
2007-07-02 16:31:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think this is a great poem but it would be very tough to make into a song... i suppose you might be able to but im not sure... it comes from the heart and its great =]
i think split second is a great name for a band =]
2007-07-02 13:52:40 · answer #6 · answered by ☮chargrilled☮ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ooh, that's lovely. Full of imagery, and I enjoy the pattern of how you repeat key phrases. Good work!
2007-07-02 14:16:15 · answer #7 · answered by fizzygurrl1980 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very good and has a effortless flow to it so in answer to your question, yes I think it would make a great song.
2007-07-02 13:47:04 · answer #8 · answered by jodapoet 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that was nice
it could be a song
most poems can be songs
also, split second is not a good name for a band
2007-07-02 13:50:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Richard. It's better as a poem.
2007-07-02 13:56:10 · answer #10 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋