My friend cuts herself rather than crying i find this worrying. I don't understand why does she do this?

Question

Please don't give horrid answers. I also want her to realise it's alright to cry and that self harming isn't good and that it hurts people when she does it (like me). How can i tell her without offending her or making her angry at me? She doesn't have any medical issues either.

Answer 1

Hello!Your friend needs help.You need to let her know that u will be there for her no matter what,that u love and care for her.Tell her that she can always talk to u when she needs help.

It's important that your friend, lover, child, sibling know that you can separate who they are from what they do, and that you love them independently of whether they self-injure. Be available as much as you can be. Set aside your personal feelings of fear or revulsion about the behavior and focus on what's going on with the person.
Some good ways of showing support include:

Don't avoid the subject of self-injury. Let it be known that you're willing to talk, and then follow the other person's lead. Tell the person that if you don't bring the subject up, it's because you're respecting their space, not because of aversion.
Make the initial approach. "I know that sometimes you hurt yourself and I'd like to understand it. People do it for so many reasons; if you could help me understand yours, I'd be grateful." Don't push it after that; if the person says they'd rather not talk about it, accept this gracefully and drop the subject, perhaps reminding them that you're willing to listen if they ever do want to talk about it.
Be available. You can't be supportive of someone if you can't be reached.
Set reasonable limits. "I cannot handle talking to you while you are actually cutting yourself because I care about you greatly and it hurts too much to see you doing that" is a reasonable statement, for example. "I will stop loving you if you cut yourself" isn't reasonable if your goal is to keep the relationship intact.
Make it clear from your behavior that the person doesn't need to self-injure in order to get displays of love and caring from you. Be free with loving, caring gestures, even if they aren't returned always (or even often). Don't withdraw your love from the person. The way to avoid reinforcing SIV is to be consistently caring, so that taking care of the person after they injure is nothing special or extraordinary.
Provide distractions if necessary. Sometimes just being distracted (taken to a movie, on a walk, out for ice cream; talked to about things that have nothing to do with self-injury) can work wonders. If someone you care about is feeling depressed, you can sometimes help by bringing something pleasant and diverting into their lives. This doesn't mean that you should ignore their feelings; you can acknowledge that they feel lousy and still do something nice and distracting. (This is NOT the same as trying to cajole them out of a mood or telling them to just get over it -- it's an attempt to break a negative cycle by injecting something positive. It could be as simple as bringing the person a flower. Don't expect your efforts to be a permanent cure, though; this is a simple improve-the-moment technique.)
If you live apart from the person you're concerned about, offer physical safe space: "I'm worried about you; would you come sleep over at my house tonight?" Even if the offer is declined, just knowing it's there can be comforting.
Don't ask "Is there anything I can do?" Find things that you can do and ask "Can I ?" People who feel really bad often can't think of anything that might make them feel better; asking if you can take them to a movie or wash those (month-old) dishes (if done nonjudgmentally) can be really helpful. Spontaneous acts of kindness ("I saw this flower at the store and knew you'd love to have it") work wonders.

Check the links!Good luck xx

Answer 2

There are likely many reasons. She is obviously desperate for help, but doesn't know what help she really needs.

She is very impulsive, and feels the need to make a statement that others can't miss. She is sure that no one loves her and that she isn't worth much as a person. She wants to have more importance to her world as she perceives it. She feels that the only attention she gets is when she makes a mess of herself.

Most important, It is likely no one takes the time to ever really listen to her, finding it more easy to take advantage of her weaknesses than help her deal and overcome her issues.

Only someone who feels terribly alone, separate from other people, and is unable to communicate their fears can hurt enough to cut on them self. It isn't the act of cutting that is important, it is the lonelyness and fear that precedes the impulsive act that must be addressed. Once the impulse to cut, to hurt, to show someone else that "I exist" is addressed, the cutting will no longer be relevant to your friend. Get her to a therapist or help line. Call the local social services agency and ask for some help for her. Then remember, what ever she does, it isn't or wasn't your fault.

Answer 3

She probably used to cry, and at some point she decided that the physical pain she could create was a mental distraction for the pain inside. She's not trying to kill herself, she's trying to feel something besides the hurt inside. Tell her that you're not judgeing her, but it bothers you that she hurts bad enough to do that, and see if she is willing to try an alternative like talking about what the real problem is.. or taking up running or kick boxing. Whatever you do, don't tell her she's crazy.. and don't ignore it.. hoping it will go away. Make sure she knows you love her enough to not see her hurt that way. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Everybody releases their feelings differently, some cry, shout, scream, some ignore and bury it, some bottle it up until they break down or rage, some eat for comfort, some exercise, some cut themselves.

Those that cut themselves sometimes say the physical pain is a release from the mental pain they have, some say the flow of blood is their release of pain/dirtiness.

You cant just say to them "stop that and cry instead" - its too deep rooted for that solution.

Your friend needs to accept she needs help and want it, if she sees you are worried and other people are worried then she may feel there needs to be an alternative.

She needs to speak to someone professionally.
Her GP/doctor needs to see her can arrange that.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Self harming releases tension but that doesn't mean its good so it's nice of you to try to help her. Dealing with stress will help the situation although it is easier said than done in reality.
Taking your friend for long walks somewhere nice or maybe swimming or jogging might help out.
Be also ready to listen rather than talking to her.
Cry with her that will help out a lot it shows we are all human and that we all need to express ourselves in one way or another.
Finally show her that you really care in that way she will realise by herself that she is not doing any good by hurting herself and finally don't talk about the harming itself it will make her harm herself more. Be gentle and listen well because listening is the key to help out others.
Good luck!

Answer 6

For some people, crying is seem as a loss of control. When she cuts, she believes she is in control - she is doing the actual cutting. When the body is harmed or injured the brain produces endorphines the body's own "morphine" it causes the person to actually feel better - reduces pain and feeling of well being. This brain-chemical actually giving the cutter a feeling of feeling better is why it is hard for people to stop.

Answer 7

This girl needs someone she can talk to! I dont mean a counsellor (unless she wants one)! Someone she can trust, like you! Believe me, having someone know you do it and ignoring it because it makes them feel uncomfortable makes you feel so lonely and that no one cares!
She does it as a relief! It distracts her from the problems she is facing from the past or the present! The pain in a sense is good for her (in her mind)! Its hard for people to understand if they have never experienced it themselves! It may sound crazy to you and others but it becomes a normal thing for people who do it! Let her know you are there to talk to! Be gentle when talking about it but dont judge her or tell her its wrong! You dont need to be able to give her solutions to her problems so dont worry! Just let her talk! She needs to get things of her chest! Then let her know that you are always there to talk! If she sees this and talks to you it may lead to her cutting herself less often! Its a hard time for her as the consequences show! She wont just be able to stop it! At the minute its her coping method! Its routine in a way!
All I can say is be there for her! This is her time of need! Your solutions to her problems may seem unthinkable to her! So let her come to her own! Just listen and empathise with her! Dont go telling everyone because she will feel insecure and scared if there are too many people asking questions!

I genuinely hope that you can help her and that everything works out!
Good Luck!

Answer 8

Its a bad way of coping with feelings she cannot deal with.

Self harmer's quickly get used to this method of coping as it quickly brings relief.

Its hard to explain and i guess hard to understand for those who have never done it.

If you bring up the subject your friend might get angry and defencive, however, she has already let you know that this is what she is doing and so may secretly want to get help or at least share it with someone.

Really your friend needs to speak to a professional - either a doctor or counsellor.

Perhaps you could persuade her to see someone?

If not, then maybe you should tell someone who can approach her about it - she will be mad, but i guess she should be speaking to someone as this is not a healthy way of coping.

Having said that, self-harm is a way of surviving, not an attempt at suicide, and your friend must not be told she has to stop. She can be guided in the right way, but must only stop when she is ready under the supervision of a professional.

Good luck.

Answer 9

There is a medical issue, only a psycologist can help her!I think she she's being reliefed in that way! You should be really careful with her and her feelings!Those people have a kind of depression and they believe that if they cut themselves they're getting their troubles and their soul will be cleared! You can't do nothing more than standing by her side in any prolem she's facing, cause she might cut her self in a really bad way!But I also think that you should talk to her parents too! Only a doctor can help her! Good luck....

Answer 10

I'm afraid when I hear about this type of particular behaviour I become somewhat cold and callous. It has been explained to me that it is a mental condition, and that it is merely a way for a young girl to feel 'in control'. I can't help wondering, however, why it is that young girls today seem to have so many problems that they need special coping skills. This behaviour, to me, is self destructive and attention seeking. And in line with the me, me, me attitude I see so prevalent among teenagers.

What should you do? Well, you have many good answers already...suggesting supportiveness and even reporting the behaviour to the parents. I'm afraid that if I were her friend, I'd give her a pretty good talk...telling her that she is being selfish and self destructive...and to smarten up! Maybe not the best, I guess, but its what my gut tells me. Kids today are enabled so much by the validation of their feelings - instead of being told to grow up and deal with their problems...