What do you think about this POEM?

Question

I am considering "My Love's Sonnett" as the title. All suggestions will be appreciated; and you can make a comment or suggestion about 'anything,' such as wording, rhyme, making sense, punctuation, etc. :) (This is actually a reworking of a poem I put here earlier, which you guys helped me to improve).

Here is the poem:

Her pleasing love moves me forever close:
This faithful love never departs my soul,
With our feeble union left to hope,
She graciously dwells in my cherished hold.

She is a tender breath of fresh soft air;
I breathe in her dear love, feeling passion;
She arouses me with wonder and care.
Wavering, I muse my true companion;

If she departs my soul I will not sleep,
Her lost presence is felt great in my heart;
Sad and restless my spirit will weep
Never satisfying the deep bare part.

Her tender love my quaking soul knows well;
To keep with her gladly is my clear call.

Answer 1

I was really impressed with the work you did on the form here. A couple comments:

While there are different types of Sonnets, it looks like you were attempting a Shakespearean one with an ABBA rhyme scheme with rhyming couplets at the end.

L11: Check your syllables here I counted nine (but I wil freely admit that reading iambs is not a strength for me).

I think you need to look at the end rhymes in your first stanza they seem to deviate from the pattern you set. Also, do the same for your ending couplet.

Content questions:

I may be misinterpreting your intent here, but when I read this it sounds like the narrator is with someone he loves, and is afraid that she will either leave him or die--I believe that it is the latter, because; her love is faithful L2.

L3: "feeble union" would than seem to be in that interpretation that the lovers could be separated by death. Feeble union seems to connotate to me that one of the two will be unfaithful to one another, but your word choice doesn't support that later. I found this choice confusing for that reason.

L5: I found "tender breath of fresh soft air" cliched. I would look for something stronger here.

L8: This seemed like akward wording.

L11: I think you can write something stronger here.

Even with all that said don't think that I didn't really like this--I did. I like the work you've done already. I hope these suggestions help you as you think about revising.

Thank you for writing this.

Answer 2

1) Correct the spelling in your title.
2) Still contains cliches: "breath of fresh air,"
3) Confusing: "the deep bare part," "my cherished hold," "to keep with her," (do you mean to "stay" with her or to "remember" her)?

Keep trying. It's a relief to see a modern person trying to write a sonnet.

Answer 3

that`s really sweet and loving, your so wrapped up, but I`ll have to tell u the harder someone trys, you mite not get the reaction u want.

Answer 4

I can relate. Good poem, keep it up.

Answer 5

for me is wonderful.

Answer 6

very touching.. it's great