My attempt at an Elizabethan Sonnet (Never Burnt By Fire) - opinions, pls?

Question

I wished to see her gone, gone is she now
Into her hell you stepped, by your own will
Oh, in vain my harp I have played for thou
Only in front of her shalt thou still kneel
My darkness doth thou leave aside for her
My hidden face, thou long not for it, no
You look at her common light, you are sir
Cold to me, back to my hell to go
Never have I your promise had, and yet
My lines I have wasted on you for days
My heaven I have gambled in my bet
My hell as well, for you, for this love's craze

Me, dark angel, never burnt by fire
You made me burn: you I so desire

Answer 1

I think everyone else got the criticisms I found, but for one-- "Oh, in vain my harp I have played for thou" has my timing thrown off. what if "I have" becomes "I've" and then thou is thee as suggested, first line end "gone now is she" and you still have your rhyming scheme and all is well.

now for my impression:
"dark angel" is not overused unless someone uses it as a cliche description.... but Gupil is a white angel tarnished by her love and desire, burned by its fire. if you can find something else to describe yourself, use it.... but dark angel definitely works for me in this case. ;)

Answer 2

okay, i'm going to be honest (I see so many on this board "oh it's great") because I feel you really want feedback to improve. Please don't think me harsh, I just am not going to sugar coat.

something is off with your "thou"s here's a quick ref website: http://www.ecclesia.org/truth/thou.html

your rhythm is all sorts of out of whack. Say it out loud to yourself. If you are trying to do Elizabethan, then the rhythm should be du Du du Du du Du du Du

I like the "My lines, my heaven, my hell" bit
"dark angel" is an overused cliche. I'm sure you can come up with an original, image creating, phrase instead to show your own personal spark

over all, not bad and better than most the other poems on the board. you made an attempt to try a new style and that should be commended.

Answer 3

This is excellent. Your form is perfect. You meet the requirements for a sonnet exactly, 3X4+2 Rhyming. Your word usage is OK. I'm sure they had dark angels in Elizabethan times. "Bet" is probably the farthest out of context.

The story is good. It does need clarification in the beginning. I wasn't sure if the narrator was doing the stepping.

Answer 4

Interesting use of 17th Century language. One serious mistake: "I have played for thou," you need to say, "I have played for thee." "Thou "is a subject pronoun, "thee" is the object pronoun. I love the verse "My lines I have wasted on you for days." What a superior image and very creative!

Almost forgot: Be consistent. If you're going to use thee and thou, don't change to the modern "you." Be consistent.