Terrified of being hurt but want to be in a relationship?

Question

In January I found my wife with another man, since then we've been seperated and are indeed getting a divorce. I've been kind of moping around these past few months, but I've found a woman I really care about and do want to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I really think we could have something. My question is, should I go for her or is it too soon?

Answer 1

I'm in the same situation. Only you can know if it's time

I understand also that you wonder if it's fair to the "new" woman, because if you aren't able to give it your all, then shouldn't she know that. But....you don't want to tell her that because then she will doubt you and it will put a bad light on such a new relationship.

My guideline is, if I can look at a women and not think any thoughts of my last bad relationship. If I can't start this one and not think, "this will show my ex that I've moved on". If a thought of your ex. invades what should be time between you and your new g/f...then maybe it's too soon.

For me 2 mos. would be too soon. However, I've known people jump right in after 2 days. Heck, my ex. barely waited 2 hours....but I suspect she had the plan all along and I just didn't know about it.

If you're not divorced yet, you better let her know that right away. I would wait until you are final on the divorce, but that doesn't mean you can't develop a friendship and get to know her during that time.

Answer 2

Dear Matt, It is tough finding your wife with another man, so many thought start confusing your mind, like, where did I go wrong? What has he got that I don't have? Why did she do this to me? And you have every right to mope about these last few months. Losing some one close is very much like mourning a loss, always waiting for the door to open and see her walking in. But Hey Matt life does continue, "personally I think life would be better with out her". You have found someone else, but please let me add a warning, "make sure this relationship is not a surplus on the rebound and your mind is clear". I can understand that you want someone in your life, but my thought is that yes it is at the moment it seems a bit to early as your still feeling despondent over your wife's actions. There is no reason why you can't start a friendship with this lady and see how it goes, take one step at a time, one day at a time, let the relationship build until you feel stable enough to take the relationship a little bit further. what ever you do I wish you the best of luck...David

Answer 3

It's too soon. Go out with the woman. But, don't look at it as a new love type relationship. Just go to have the company.

The time it takes to heal is generally about 50% of the length of your relationship with your ex. So, if you were dating for 2 years, and married for 8.... it'll take you 5 years to get over your 10 year relationship.

Answer 4

The only way to ever forget an old love is to find a new love so it is never too soon but there are never any guarantees. Nothing is for nothing. Love requires sacrifice, doing what the other person wants half the time and acceptance that sometimes it does not last forever.

Some people say you should give your partner freedom if you want to keep them. In my experience freedom provides temptation which puts you at risk so you are better to find someone who prefers to be with you whenever she can.

Answer 5

Only you know the answer to this question actually. The rule of thumb is one month for each year married to move on. A lot depends on your divorce. Is it an amicable divorce? Or an angry one?
If you have found someone you feel comfortable with talk to them about how you feel re the reasons for your divorce. Find out from them how they feel.Should they have understanding of what you have and are experiencing they will understand about not rushing into a 'full-on' relationship.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Too soon, you're getting a divorce, so take care of that first. Don't get into another relationship while you are going through a divorce. It only makes things harder on her. She has to hear all about your wife and all the **** she may put you through during the divorce.

Answer 7

I think we all fear being hurt again- i jumped straight into another relationship after my marriage of 21 years ended and i have a lovely man. But its been very hard work for both of us at times and i would rather think that its better to have some time alone and discover who you are and what you want from life first.

Answer 8

I dont think there is a correct amount of time to wait. If you feel that you could have something special and are willing to let go of the past and move on, then on for it. Life is too short and you dont want to hide behind your feeling and then it be to late. Tell her how you feel and that you are hurt and want to take it slow. I am 100% she will understand. We are all afaird of rejection and of getting hurt but what is worst protecting yourself and living alone with no one to share your life with.

Take the leap of faith. Good luck and I wish you happiness.

Answer 9

go and enjoy yourself x but takes things slowly x not all women are on this earth to hurt men and vice versa x dont let her be a substitute for your wife though x treat her as an individual and have fun finding out about each other x good luck x hey and if it doesnt work out - try try try again x lifes too short for hanging back x

Answer 10

Matt, you need to learn to love and accept yourself, accept yourself without judgment. If you can truly do this, then you will feel comfortable with yourself and will not be afraid of being "hurt". You will not be "hurtable" if you love yourself and honor yourself with the choices you make. You can find comfort in the arms of many partners but if you are looking for a long-term relationship, then you have to make positive choices. You are ready when you are ready. But make the first choice ---you. Then look for another.