What do you think about my marriage/relationship dilemma?

Question

My husband and I have been together for a little over four years now, a year and a half of which we have been married. Towards the end of February this year I expressed my increasing unhappiness with our relationship. I had to keep reminding him of this. The second week of March he was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that may require surgeries and a serious amount of convalescence. I have been there for him while encouraging him to work on his own personal issues as well as our own. But I just don't see us making any progress and I'm upset that I'll either stay with him and just deal with it or leave and be accused by our family/friends of leaving him because I didn't want to take care of him. That's the problem, I am ALWAYS having to take care of him, remind him of things any adult should know to do and then ...aghjghg! I just am very frustrated and at the end of my rope here. I don't know what to do. I would appreciate an honest, sincere opinion. I'm tired in every way...

To clarify, he isn't terminal or anything and currently he is working full time and for that at least I am grateful. But...he thinks I should worry about getting the bills paid on time, doing all the errands and chores, work out all his appointments and medical payment arrangements. Additionally I have to speak to his family about everything going on instead of him doing it himself. It's possible that during his treatment we'll have to stay with his Mom who is a packrat, and doesn't clean her house or allow anyone else to. We've actually come across rat turds in her food boxes before. His health issues started about three months or so ago but our relationship issues have been going on for over a year now. I've asked him to work on things with me and he says he loves me and promises to do so but then he "forgets" or "Oh, I misunderstood that..." So basically I should remember everything for him and he should never be accountable for anything. I'm at a complete loss...

Thanks, all of the answers have been helpful in their own way. I appreciate all of you taking the time to give me your advice.

Answer 1

Counseling is definitely in order. In the meantime try and be as compassionate & patient with him as you can, alot of the things you mentioned, might be stemming from his condition and causing him to be depressed, stressed out & taking it out on you alot. Unfortunately, taking things out on each other is a part of marriage alot of times & you just need to look over it. If the problems you were having before his illness is alot or most of the problems, you really should be in marriage counseling. As far as people saying: "It's all because you don't want to care for him"....let them know it's more than that and started before this. They can either believe you or not believe you...#1. It's none of their business, #2. You can't live your life to make "other" people happy. #3. There will always be people in your life who make assumptions & judgements about you which aren't correct, you can't use your time & energy on silly people, you've got alot more important things to worry about.

Answer 2

If red-peach answered this she is an idiot so don't pay attention to her.

Anyway I have MS and is getting worse over time. My wife has been by my side for better for worse. She has to remind me all the time too of things to do etc. Why because the MS is eroding what is left of my brain.

Now that said. You need to get help. He needs more care than you can give him right now. Ask for help from your doctor. He can set up a care nurse to come over and help. You need a break. There are meds out there that can help with this. Also note books are a great help. Make him write down what he needs to do for the day and have him check off what has been done. This helps me at home and at work.

Remember when you said I-do it was a vow to have and hold, to love and to cherish forever and always. Not until the bastard up and gets sick and he gets in my way. He's not a horse he's your husband.

Answer 3

I feel it will depend on what foundation you're making the evaluation who you're evaluating or even what day of the week it's. As you factor out its all beautiful subjective. Normally whilst you stroll a mile in any person elses footwear you discover out that the shoe does not have compatibility. I feel existence is solely undeniable rough for plenty of individuals plenty of the time. There are specified occasions wherein you would say that could had been less difficult if i used to be a man/lady and economically guys are more often than not larger off however there are consistently exceptions to the rule of thumb. Feminism can spotlight a few harsh realities of womens lifes in a distinctive context conversely it could actually additionally spotlight problems that guys face. I think patriarchy devalues each guys and females, who's it more difficult for i do not feel that's the factor. I feel when we get caught in divisiveness we assault each and every different, lose our vigor and percent up our toolbox and pass house. The factor is that on a elementary stage we're wasting a few of our humaness i think that is anything we desperately ought to reside at the side of dignity, defense, aspiration, range, openess and wellbeing.

Answer 4

There is such a thing as co-dependece and an enabler. I respect the fact that he is sick, however that is not an excuse to co depend on your for those everyday chores as wives find ourselves stuck with no matter if the husband is sick or not. Dont enable him to become feable. Hold him accountable for those things he can do where his sickness is not a concern. Moving in with the mother sounds like this could further give him a reason to pass the buck of his duties and create a whole nother can of worms. I would check with his doctor to find out more about his condition and what he is really capable of doing apart from his illness. A great resource to go to is a life coach, relationship coach or other peer coaching person. They are so much more practical than a marriage counselor or psychologist. I really think your husband needs it more than you. I am a peer inspiration coach that helps people by empowering them to take responsibility for their own actions and support them in shifting their perspective based on their values and what they need or want. Sometimes a third party is a great resource, kinda life a good friend. That is what peer coaching is except we can offer our specialized areas of experience and strategies we learned during our training. For now, what beliefs do you hold about being a wife? What is one step you can do to give back accountability to your husband as he completes a task so he will lregain his identity without relying on identifying himself as a man that is ill. But the husband he was or can be just as though he was not labeled and living his life out as a deblitated husband.

Answer 5

What made you marry him? It was for better or worse, in sickness and in health and it sounds like his illness is causing a large part of the problem. He can't help being sick, just as you can't help being being frustrated.
If you truly don't want to or can't face his treatment then it is better you get out now. He needs all the support he can get from positive sources.
Or you can step outside yourself, jump in and be his greatest cheerleader and support person. Sometimes through the acts of giving of ourselves and caring unselfishly for others we find the love we lost and a strength we didn't know we had.
Is counselling available to you? Talking this out with an impartial trained person might be the best thing to do. No matter which road you choose, there are difficulties ahead so getting some professional advice would be smart. Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

Any relationship has its ups and downs - there will be times with anyone that you can't stand the sight of them! Just hang in there for now, and if things do not get better, see a counselor for help. Try to understand that he will not be able to work on the relationship much right now.

That said, in the meantime you will be doing both of you a big favor by doing whatever you can to avoid getting too resentful. Get out and spend time with friends. Do things that you enjoy. Have some 'you time'. When you feel really angry, go for a brisk walk, listen to intense music, punch a punching bag, anything to release the frustration without hurting anyone. Don't hold it inside - it will just grow and eat you up inside. You can't take care of him unless you first take care of yourself. You need to rest and recharge your batteries. Let him know that you are doing this because you want to be there for him for the long haul, not because you don't love him. Let him know that you need to take care of yourself to keep from burning out so that you can continue to take care of him.

Also, it is possible that some of the problems that you have been having may have been related to his illness. It is hard to do much - physically or emotionallly when you are tired or in pain, or just not feeling well. Health problems can affect the way that you feel, think, and behave way more than you would imagine they would (I know, I have been there - both my husband and I have had to deal with chronic illness at different times). If you are having a hard time dealing with everything it might help to talk with a counselor. They can do a lot to put things in perspective and help you find ways to cope.

Good luck! I hope everything works out OK for you.

Answer 7

This is my honest opinion, though I have never been married. When you two were married you vowed to stay with your husband through anything until death. I don't know if you value your vows or not, but I think you should stay with him since you made that promise. When he recovers from surgery sit him down and have a serious talk with him and make him understand that the problems between both of you will eventually lead to divorce or seperation. If he loves you (he married you so of course he does) then he will work on the problems. Good luck and I hope you pull through!

Answer 8

It sounds like he wants you to be his replacement mommy/personal assistant and if that's the case you should start charging him by the hour. But in all seriousness, separate yourself from him for awhile and give him the opportunity to learn how to fend for himself and take care of business like a responsible husband and adult should. It's unfortunate that so many men seem to have this mommy complex and grow up to be totally unable to take accountability for anything. You didn't mention that you have any children otherwise leaving would be a whole lot harder for you. He obviously doesn't appreciate the amount of work you do for him and if you separating from him doesn't teach him anything, then i say go ahead and file for divorce and start over. who gives a damn what his family thinks or what anyone else thinks? it's your life and you don't need to spend it taking care of anyone that won't take care of you in return and completely disregards you. leave him.

Answer 9

I know your situation has to be frustrating but I am wondering something....do you remember why you married him? Do you remember the vows that you took? Marriage is supposed to be forever...no matter what problems you face....
I've been married for almost 8 years now and I have to admit the first 4 were a living hell for us but instead of doing what you're doing.....complaining and trying to change him....I started to pray and ask God for strength to deal with each day and to show me things in me that needed to change and to help me to focus on my issues and not my husbands.....guess what....It worked!!! God has changed our marriage completely! It's wonderful.....We would've missed out on the biggest blessings in our lives if we had thrown in the towel and given up on our marriage.....It's not perfect BUT we are now best friends....we can talk about anything....before we didn't even want to look at each other let alone talk.....so honey....there is hope!! Go to a Bible believing church and seek some good Christian counsel....open your Bible and pray....God can change your marriage into something beautiful......I'll be praying for you....

Answer 10

How much time are we talking about before he is back in good health? Will this possibly be a permanent situation? I obviously don't know exactly what problems you are dealing with in you relationship, but I can tell you if I were in your shoes I would postpone any plans for leaving at this time and see him through this, regardless of how you feel about him now or what state you marriage is in, it sounds like he will really need you in his life now. I wouldn't be worried about what other people thought about me but I would be worried about what I thought about myself. I wouldn't want to look back and have any guilt or regrets. I hope everything turns out well for you and your husband.