I feel my marriage is in danger...?

Question

I am having serious trust issues with my spouse. We have been married for over a decade and have several children together. I have not felt like this in the past. In the past 9 months, I have seen some changes in my spouse. I have confronted him about lying, texts and phone calls to a certain female co-worker, conversations regarding meeting females with his friends, and pornography. All of these events have been isolated and have been discussed after each event. I believe the trust between us has been broken. After discussions regarding each event, he swears that he loves me and our family and would never do anything to ruin it. I know he adores my children, but I am unsure about his loyalty to me. I considered a legal separation a few months ago, but then things seemed to be getting better again. He states that I have always been suspicious of his activities and I am just a jealous person. Any thoughts....

Sex 2-3 times a week...Legal separation was not told to him...I researched it and spoke with an attorney. The gut feelings began because of fighting in the previous months and I found out about the texts and phone calls because our phone carrier called to see if I wanted to add texting as a feature sometime last year becuase of the # of texts which had occurred. We didn't use that feature until late 2006. So I looked at our phone bills and there it was...The phone and texts have stopped, but occurred for 2 months.

Answer 1

consider the children before you pack your bags.jealousy can destroy you from the inside as well as your relationship and his trust in you. I'm not saying he's not cheating at all, but perhaps taking small controlled, informed, and rational steps to come to a conclusion will help in the long run if you guys stay together. keep it to yourself. If you must know whats going on, investigate quietly. You can confront him, but don't attack him. It will drive him away and that would be terrible if he WASN'T cheating. keep your friends close and your 'enemies' closer the fact that he's lied numerous times about this 1 woman is a real red flag. --- not to get to personal, but hows your sex life. recent declines in activity in the past 9 months? Different sexual patterns, positions? Does he primp a little more before work? Whats he do in his spare time that seems different than before. Lots of questions on my part. You're not going to find much help here I'm afraid. I would suggest a PI if you can afford it, or talk to a friend that you trust to follow him for you. Take pictures. they will prove handy in court during that divorce. a good one is to check his phone call list on his cell and compare the numbers you record to the phone bill that shows up in the mail. check for discrepancies.


Wow. thats a health amount. has it always been like that for the past 4 years?
It seems like the texts stopped when you confronted him, right? not a good sign at all. I'd start searching his emails if possible. I bet he's changed communication medias.

I really think you should check his call logs when you get a chance. write them down. as often as you can and then compare them to the bill (usually all called numbers are listed). this way you can see if he's deleting calls off the log so you don't find them.
send a trusted friend to follow him descretly,
you could send someone he doesn't know to flirt with him and try to set up a date and then have her report back to you.

see, harmless, non confrentational way to investigate yourself.

I'd investigate him for you, but I bet your not anywhere near Austin

Answer 2

It's really hard for anyone to tell what's going on here. Exactly what was the lie you caught? That could make a big difference. If the incidents are isolated, maybe the connection between them is all in your mind? Again, it's hard to tell from the rather vague things you wrote. Here's one thing I do know, for sure though. You have kids. Kids do best in an intact family. Unless it's openly abusive, and you didn't mention anything about that.

Here's what you should do. There just may be a chance that your husband is innocent. Did you have jealousy/security problems with your other former boyfriends before you married? Be honest here. Since you DO have kids involved here, it's not just about you any more. You deparately need to see a qualified marriage counselor. I'm talking about a full time professional who doesn't know either of you so they can't take sides. You both need to go. If he is doing something wrong, you need to get to the bottom of it. Some of the things you mentioned are very inappropriate for a married guy to do, but I understand I am only hearing YOUR version of things. There is a good chance though that he's NOT doing anything wrong, and it may be YOU that is breaking up the family. A trained counselor can figure it out. You need to go and get this stuff worked out for the sake of your kids. You really do. One of the two of you is destroying your marriage and their home. It might be him, or just as likely it might be you. Again, be honest with yourself. You can't just separate or leave--you have kids that you will be tearing up. Try counseling FIRST! Don't destroy your kids' home without at least trying.

Kent in SD

Answer 3

I sure would like to know how you learned of all of these things you mentioned (texts and phone calls to a certain female co-worker, conversations regarding meeting females with his friends, and pornography). Did you just happen upon them or were you deliberately searching for them? If it was the later, then the lack of trust isn't just his.

Without trust then there really isn't much of a relationship. But some trust might not be there because you are contributing to it.

Answer 4

(EDITED)

Have you confronted him about these text messages? You obviously know they were going on, did you ask him? And, if you did ask him, what was his response?

Have you considered marriage counseling? Even if nothing is going on currently, his has broken your trust. You will need to learn how to trust him again--or you will have a miserable marriage.

Do you have anything solid? Have you seen these text messages?

Also, even if the text messages are just friendly talk, if your husband knows it bothers you that he conversates with females, he should stop contacting this female. This is strange anyway, why does he need to text message her?

I feel like you should trust your instincts. It does sound like something is going on here. If it were all innocent, why wouldn't he just stop the communication with this female? Why is he spending his off time talking to her?

You need to be asking him these questions. And, in the future, don't threaten a legal separation, DO IT. When you make threats, and don't follow through, he will know he can continue with this behavior.

Get marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage. This marriage will never work if he is unable to be completely honest with you, and that includes admitting this affair he is having.

Answer 5

Sad to say, it might be over. Figure out where you want to live, and approach him with the idea of divorce, or he might still pay rent, etc, but it might shift into an open relationship.

Conversely, you can do the "Make him realize why he fell for you" all over again.

If you want to go nasty, have him investigated, with pictures. Then confront her, and explain that you have kids.

Or to throw everything into an uproar, call her up, invite her over for dinner. Have real good friencds watch the kids. Then have "the big talk, about where we are all going with this."

Or perhaps make her an ally. Call her up. Say, "Hey you know him, you think he's cheating with "X" (Name someone else you suspect) at work." (Not her).

Ask, has he been doing anything like that, that you should know about? you think you are pregnant again... Lots of things you can do.

But, with the changes and covering up stuff, it's him working the idea that you do not want to seriously believe he is trading up on you after all this time.

One thing is true. The power of the deal comes with the one willing to walk away.

Tell him, if push comes to shove, you want the house, the car, and alimony, and the kids. And keep as many girlfriends as he wants. In the end, he won't be able to afford barely one.

If the trust is gone it is. Maybe just confront him, and say, you know what has been going on, and you are tired of it, and he's forcing your hand.

Also ask the advice of a marriage counselor, or therapist.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Mercury is the only person so far that has half a brain in answering this question. Most of the rest of them are jumping to conclusions and I wouldn't listen to them if I were you.
When a married man texts a female from work other than for some emergency that is work related, there's a problem, no matter what he says.
I would continue to do my homework, and probably step it up a notch. Hire a P.I. for sometime that he is going out without you, or seems excited about some upcoming "work" event. They cost money of course, but it's worth it if you don't want to be wondering forever.

Answer 7

I can feel you holding your breath from here. I was where you are once along time ago with an ex.& it hurts. Is there any possibility he might go with you to counseling? It would probably be the best advise you will get. Following him, and rifling through his wallet and things like that don't work. It won't stop until you two get to a place with each other where you can re build your trust. If it's green and it hops...I mean you're not stupid , you know if there is a problem, I strongly suggest a counselor. You also said "he adores your children", are they not his, is he a step parent? thats hard on the kids too, I do not envy you....Good luck, I'll keep you in my thoughts

Answer 8

You obviously know you're not crazy. The texts and phone calls to the female co-worker continuing are enough for you to know that something is probably going on. Unless there are consequences for his actions, it will most likely continue, especially if he can continue to snow you and patch everything up. Maybe he really stopped. I would continue to check pockets, phones, etc. If you're denied access, then something is being hidden. If you find out that it's still going on, you need to decide on the consequences. Maybe the separation would let him know that he is risking losing his family with infidelitous (is that a word?) actions such as these. As long as he thinks he can get away with it and not lose anything, he will most likely continue them
If there are consequences, then he will know that you are serious and don't wish to stand by while you are disrespected.

Answer 9

A marriage should be based in honesty and trust. If you can't trust him, how can you live with him? If you think it's worth it, try to work it out, see a marriage counselor. If you just can't trust him, then you'll always be miserable and wondering. If you are worried that you are naturally a suspicious person, ask yourself if he's the only person you feel you have trust issues with. If there are lots of people, then perhaps you need to work on trust. If it's just him, then it's him. If he consistently does things that make you jealous, then you need to leave.

Answer 10

Your right your husband still loves you and your kids, but in reality as marriage goes on men and women tend to stray. Why, becuase they want something different change in people and within them selves. We humans are always like that and it becomes a problem in ones relationship. Doing and seeing the same things for years gets a person to want something else to make their life more interesting. Alot of husbands are faithfull, but yet still flirt or talk to other women to satisfy their need of attention and wants. Its all to commen for men to get found out that they are cheating or talking with other women, like you have pointed out. Lets just say your husband is not the best acter out their and sucks at lying. He may still love you in some way, yet in his mind don't want things to fall apart between you. He has alot of issues in his mind right now do I cheat or do I ruin my life with my wife? In the end men give in to temptation and lust and porn lol, but you know thats life your not the only person going through the same problem some have it worse. So in my experince if your spouse does not want to tell you the truth and avoids you about the issues all the time then you need to seperate from each other before it gets any worse. Tempers will start going and family will start getting involed. The best way to do this if he still won't listen is to be away from each other. If he still does thouse things you say he does then you know that he has given up on you. He is a man and should know what his doing is wrong and I know he does. I know for a fact that he is trying to figure out what to do with you and how to keep his affairs a secret. He won't realize the damage done when your both have seperated. When that happens God only knows what he feels then. Life sucks sometimes we just have to move on and live for a better tommrrow. In the end make sure your always with someone that cares and loves you, that all that matters.