How would you feel if the woman your husband cheated on you with, contacted you to appologize to you?

Question

Back about 6 1/2 yrs. ago when I was single, I had an affair with a married man for about 6 months. At that point I was selfish and wasn't thinking about how wrong what I was doing was, I was only concerned with what I wanted. I knew his wife, though we were not friends, we just all hung out with the same people. I know that she heard lots of rumors about us, and at one point someone sent her an annonomous letter to her work telling her about the affair, though her husband kept denying it. I know however that she knew about him and I. They split up about 2 months before he and I stopped seeing each other because I knew it wasn't going anywhere between us because he was too busy trying to get with any woman he could find. Since then I have felt really guilty about what I let happen with this man, and always said that if I ever ran into his now ex-wife, I owed her an apology. I have ran across her Myspace profile. Should I send her a message apologizing to her for what happened?

Answer 1

Leave her alone. Her opinion of you is probably that you are lower than pond scum, and she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with you. You want to apologize to make yourself feel better. Tough. You did what you did, and you'll live with it forever. Don't hurt the woman again, just cuz hurting her may make you feel better.

Answer 2

PC,
this is a sincere; yet, tough question you pose. Is there any possibility that by you doing this you may be upsetting her current life? Is there any way to gauge how your apology now would affect this person in terms of her emotions, thoughts, or anger that she may have tried to have disposed of long ago? I think it is commendable what you believe you should do and I applaud your sense of responsibility. However, if your apology is another form of satisfying your now mature acknowledgement of a passed mistake - then you may yet again be interferring with a life that would rather have left you and the ex in that same passed. If there is a way for you to gauge the affect you would have on this person for now and if you discover it would not affect her in any negative way, shape, or form of disturbance then I would say GREAT, do what you feel you should. If on the other hand you re-entering her life would only upset a balance she may have reached and accepted then I would NOT do what you would like to in consideration for her feelings.

Solution: Consider having a third party contact this MySpace profile through a question or answer type of situation as we do here in Y!A. This could be someone else you know or a third party that knows neither of you (this may be the safest). That person can pose a question in form and send it to her MySpace and that response would be your indicator as to your next step. Thinking this out and respecting her current life HAS to be beyond your desire or need to apologize.

Overall, and again I commend you for your honest and good faith desire to do good. But doing good in this case may cause more harm than good.

Answer 3

You know - - the guy sounds like a complete idiot. I'm sure his now exwife understands that. So an apology from you said in a nice way - might be shocking. I mean, how many people ever do such a thing in these situations. Most people continue to be selfish and uncaring about others, doing things that are wrong and only being concerned about themselves. For you to make a change like this is incredible, but on the other hand - don't have any expecations on her reaction to this. She could get really mad or ignore you - who knows? Just don't expect a kind response - if you get one great but apologizing really will help you close the door on a difficult chapter in your life so you really should.

Answer 4

Yes.
I don't understand these women that say that it would hurt her all over again or to let sleeping dogs lie. You owe this woman an apology, and you should give her one. I haven't been cheated on (that I know about) but if I did, I would feel better receiving such a letter. Tell her that you have grown up and now realize that it was an immoral thing to do.
I wish more women would do this. Women need to reach out to eachother more often.
I don't know myspace well, but can you send it so that everyone won't be able to read it? If it's going to be viewed publicly, then I think you would embarass her, and then I do think it is a bad idea, unless you were to word it very carefully that only she would know what you were referring to.

Answer 5

Six and a half years ago is a long time. Maybe she has moved on and you contacting her would only open old wounds or scar tissue. Since your actions were self centered when you had the affair, isn't seeking forgiveness still an act of selfishness? I don't recommend contacting her, but if you do first be sure to ask if you think you are doing it for her sake or yours. Just because it makes you feel absolved doesn't mean that it is good for all. These feelings of remorse and guilt may very well be the consequences you must suffer for your actions.

Answer 6

I would just let things go sweetie. Things happen in our lives and you learned from it and that is what is important now! Maybe she worked things out with her husband and hearing from you could be the last person she would ever want to hear from ? She will not care about how sorry you are because the dammage was done. It wasn't about you anyway it was about her own husband that was responsible for being right to her! If it wasn;t you it would have just been somebody else. He made the choice to betray his wife and the shame is on him. Don't feel this bad about your past just move on and be happy in your life. Nothing in the world you say to his wife will change things now even though it bothers you and would make you feel better. You are not a bad person because if you were you would not have remorse about this. Sometimes in life you just have to take the bad with the good. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes! That experience in your life bothered you and you know you would never do that again today! So put it behind you and keep good morals and don't worry about the past....only your future and what it means to you now! Don't give any of it another thought and be the best you can be for yourself . Take care and put it all behind you.

Answer 7

If she really wanted to know, she would have asked you directly. She is better off now without him. If it wasnt you, it would have been someone else.

I'm glad you have learned from this.

The woman who broke up my marriage 20 years ago never learned. I saw her a few months ago (after 20 years). She looked OLD (hahahahahaha). She recognized me, and I had no clue who she was. When they had their fling, my husband was 25 and she was 45. She now looks like a matronly cafeteria lady. Karma was so kind to me.

She never learned, she stood in line at the grocery store and chatted about my ex, and how much he loved her.
She will never know how much her actions broke my heart.
I went to the car and cried, it hurt all over again.

If she had apologized, it still would have brought up all of the old pain, but I would have forgiven her. I forgive her now...because she really must be absolutely thick and has no ability to put herself in the other woman's shoes.

You're different. You made a mistake and learned that affairs hurt people. HUGS!!! Thank you for learning this lesson well.
The kindest thing is to put the hurt behind you and protect her from anymore pain.

Answer 8

I have been in the wife's situation and while most of the blame lies with my ex, the women that he cheated with were aware that he and I were together, so they were also responsible.

I would not want to hear about it on my myspace page, but if one of the women were to write me a letter of sincere apology, of letting me know that she was truly sorry that she had contributed to my unhappiness with my dirtbag of an ex, I would accept it. Hell, he never apologized, and I have moved on. It would be nice to hear an "I'm sorry" from someone involved in the whole sordid mess!

Be very honest, and take full responsibility for your actions, saying nothing about the ex-jerk. You are at fault for what you did, and that is what you must apologize for. Don't make the apology hollow by inadvertantly blaming him.

While I can see that you have gotten flamed here, I admire you for being willing to attempt to make amends for your past actions. None of the homewreckers that slept with my ex ever tried to do such an adult and mature thing. Although, I have seen most of them over the past eight years, and truthfully, they look like hell. Karma, I suppose.

So apologize. But write her a letter, don't do it online. Give her the ability to read it in private, and take time to respond to it.

I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 9

Not on my space. If you are going to apologize and an old fashioned written letter would be better. One of the rules for this kind of apology is to do so, only if it will help the other person, not bring them more pain. Since the marriage is over, you are probably free to do so.

Also make sure that you take full responsiblity for your actions, your motives.Do not talk about what anyone may have said or done. Only talk about yourself and how you wronged her.

Answer 10

You may be sincere at heart about this, but whats done is done.
You stated that they split up 2 months before you guys. And that he had a habit of trying to get with other women.
And maybe his wife knew that all along.

I'm sure that's a relationship she would like to forget about just as you would, so I would leave things as they are.

Answer 11

You might think the right answer is yes, but I disagree. You may want to apoligize to make yourself feel better - not her. She has probably moved on and does not need to relive what her did to her. The right move would have been not to have the affair in the first place of course. Now, the right thing to do is to learn from your mistakes and move on - just like she has.