Mother-in-law question. How can you keep your mother in law away and not seem spiteful??

Question

My MIL is an alcholic and doesnt call or come around until she is liquored up. I have expressed my dislike to my new hubby and to her. All that happens is she gets mad and stays away which upsets my hubby. I have kids from previous marriage and they have never been around anyone like her. How can I keep her at a distance and keep my hubby happy also? She has put him through he** as a child but he still wants her around. When she is around, I get physically sick. My hubby says"thats just my mom" and I say she doenst respect you or our household and I could care less if she EVER saw us again. Hubby understands where I am coming from but says he still loves his mom and wants us to get along.I can not get along with anyone who disrespects him. Please send some advice my way! Thanks

Answer 1

As tough as it is going to be to support your husband in continuing a relationship that you don't agree with that is what I would do.

Now don't get me wrong I do not think this woman has any reason to be anywhere around your children.

Encourage your husband to visit his mother at her house. This way he can keep in touch with her but you nor your children need to be exposed to her drunken idiocy.

You do not have to "get along" with her but for his sake I would try to tolerate her when she is around.

If at all possible when you learn she is going to make a visit to your home then send the kids to friends houses or even a neighbor. Work this out in advance so that they know not to bring the kids back until this crazy woman is gone.

Regardless of how old we get we still want to please our parents and it sounds as though he is still in this phase.

Try and be supportive, spend time around your parents (if possible) so he can have a visual and emotional understanding of a healthy relationship with parents.

Love him as one day this woman is going to hurt him as only mothers can and he will need to know that above all else you love and value him.

Answer 2

Hubby -- everyone caters to your mother and her drinking. I know you love mom but lets face it. Your wife does not like the whole situation. Tell your mom not to come around. The children are not her grand children. The wife does not like her. Tell her to stay away. You visit with Mom when you get the urge. Call her on the phone. Tough Love--take her to AA. Maybe she will understand. Confusion like your Mom is not healthy for the marriage. Be a man and tell Mom not to come over anymore. She is a drug addict--do not listen to her if she says that she will quit drinking.

Answer 3

I hope this helps.......
1. From another view, this should have been addressed before you married. Now, it is up to you to stand back, try to be objective, and look at all angles. Below is one.
2 Look at all the angles and try to be objective.
3. Talk with your husband about the scenario below and perhaps other angles.

You take control by calling you ML until you find her sober. Then ask her to come to lunch with you or some other activity.
During this activity, ask her what she envisions as a relationship with you and her son?
Tell her you wish to have a good relationship with her. Explain that her son and yourself do want to work this out to everyones' satisfaction.
After listening, tell her you are concerned about your children.
They are uncomfortable with the drinking and so are you.
Negotiate a way for you to have visits, activities, dinner, etc. when she is sober. Tell her that she is welcome if she is not drinking. Ask her to activities, fun times, sports with the kids with the stipulation that she is sober.
Now, here is the difficult one: Tell ML: This can only happen if you can offer yourself to us sober. We desire to include you in our family, but to be a part of our life and this is the avenue.

Also, you can't expect your husband to desert his Mother. IF nothing else will work after a generous test of time, he can arrange to see her away from your home.

Best Wishes

Answer 4

You are very intelligent to not get along with anyone who disrespects you. The woman has a major problem and that is obviously killing your husband. He's just trying to push the problem under the rug and he just wants to see you get along with his mother, but you can't if she's an alcoholic and she's disrespecting you, your husband and your children.

He needs to act like a man and he needs to either get her help, or get her out of his life. In a way, he should be taking care of both of you.

You just have to say, I would do anything for her and I might get along with her if she was different. He should also understand that WHY would you respect her if she's not respecting you?

You are right. If she cannot get help than she should not be allowed in your house. If he wants to see her, then he should go to her house. THAT'S IT! Good Luck

Answer 5

You're lucky you've never been around alchoholics.
Many of us have, and your husband is a prime example of people who have grown up with them.
He loves his mother.
It's seems abnormal to you but like any son, he wants to see her and help her.
All you can do is not let your children begin to think it normal.
Keep the communication open with your kids, if you can get the hubby to meet his mother away from your kids that's fine, ohterwise do what you can to break the cycle.
Hopefully, she will hit rock bottom soon and go into rehab.
Rehab is the goal. Good luck.

Answer 6

I empathise with your situation; my MIL is a WITCH; LIAR; EVIL; SPITEFUL PERSON.
But I put her to the back of my mind. I have made myself ex-communicated from her and her family. I have changed my numbers and has moved on with my life.
If by chance my husband wants to communicate with his family its on his time not mine.
I have told him I would not be stepping foot into his mother's house or his sisters until they get some respect for me and my family.
I refuse to step to their level ; his mum is a nice sober person; But she is the MEANEST DRUNK. My mum told me that ppl's true feelings come out when they're drunk so I took that into consideration and bolted.
I have been happy ever since. Take her out of your system you don't have to move to another state. Just leave her to God. In time she'll realize her mistakes and quit the drink. Well thats what I keep telling myself too!
I feel for you honey. Hope you feel better.

Answer 7

Tell your husband if he wants to visit him mom, he can do so at HER place.
She and your husband have to understand that you don't want your kids exposed to her drinking, (But at the same time it could be used as a way to keep your kids from wanting to drink.)

My grandmother was a drunk and I can't say I remember there ever being a time when she was sober. So upon seeing that when I was growing up, I made a decision that I never wanted to be like that when I grew up.

Answer 8

Ask him if he wants his mother to put the children through the same thing that he went through as a child.

There has to come a time in life where he is willing to stand up to his mother and tell her that he loves her & wants to spend time with her BUT he must have some rules.

Rule #1: NO DRINKING/BEING DRUNK in front of the children.

As for him saying "thats just my mom" well, its just because he probably had to resign himself to the fact that she would probably never change.

This time around, he is a grown man, a married one at that, he has responsibilities & a duty to provide a safe & healthy environment for your family.

Good luck to you all!

Answer 9

You should probably talk to my husband or my sister- in-law about the mother-in-law issue :) I know it's very frustrating for you - it's frustrating for my husband. I somewhat understand how your husband is feeling and I'm trying to break that cycle myself, right now. My mom treated me like crap and was abusive when I was growing up and into my adult life. Maybe I can give you some insight from my/his perspective and help myself at the same time :) The only alcohol in my situation though, is probably me self medicating with a drink after an episode with her and my siblings drinking at family dinners.

I think your husband, (especially because his mom put him through hell when he was growing up), now as an adult just 'wants everything to be ok' with his relationship with his mom. I think he's very happy in life with you and your children, and very proud of the 'family of his own' that's come to be. He probably gets all of the love and support from you guys that he did not receive when he was growing up, but needed and was missing.

I think he wants approval from his mother - a big part of 'everything being ok' in his mind - as a son, a husband and a father and wants her to be proud of 'his family' as well (you and the kids). At some point as a child/adolescent he probably made a promise to himself that if he ever had children of his own, he would NEVER treat them the way his mom treated him. Since he does have a family of his own now and is happy, somewhere deep inside him he probably wants his mother to see all of you together so she can witness 1) how you love and support him and how much he loves you, and 2) how he treats his family and how much you and the kids love him and treat him, but because he wants to share his 'good' life with her as well, he wants her to know 3) how much he loves her and wants everything to be ok.

I usually stand up for myself when my mom puts me down but my husband has come to my defense and intervened with situations with her a couple of times when she was attacking me verbally and just being extremely irrational and hurtful. Some might think it was disrespectful of him to intervene (my brother and sister) - but they grew up with the same parents I did and have some of the same feelings, they just don't speak up about it because they just want 'everything to be ok'. Within my family, issues from the past arise and are never resolved, and because there is no resolution and no acknowledgement of the issue, there is no opportunity for healing ... and so the cycle continues. Right now I'm keeping my family at a distance.

My sister-in-law went through a period where she refused to interact with my mom. My brother would come to family events/holidays alone or sometimes with my nephews. If my mom called them, my sister-in-law would let the call go to voicemail and left my brother call my mom back. I think it sent a strong message that my sister-in-law did not accept my mom's behavior.

Hopefully your husband understands your position, why you feel the way you do and will do something to help make this situation better for 'his family' (you and the kids) and take a step back to see the damage his mother could be unitntentionally doing to your children and see his mother for what she is.

Best of luck!

Answer 10

Just tell her you'd love to have her stay and visit when she hasn't been drinking,,,call her a cab...

Or..tell her you just haven't time right now and will call her when you do have the time to sit and visit...

Or...when she shows up tell her you were just leaving and then go somewhere and maybe it would be more convient for both of you if she'd call ahead to let you know she'd like to come over...