after 16 years-he just drives me nuts?

Question

He works hard and makes good money. Loves his kids and his kids love him. Is talented and intelligent. The problem is he doesnt back me up on anything or support me in anyway. He ignores me almost completley. He is passive aggressive and is constantly "pushing me down". He tells me what to do all the time, how to drive, what to say, what mood I should be in etc. I am no longer attracted to him physically or otherwise. He says things are all my fault because of my prior depression issue that kind of soured things to start with. Now that Im better, hes not there for me. Its like its too bad to fix now. Hes not a "friend" or a lover. He spends umteen hours playing war games on the computer to escape from being with me. If I try to talk to him, he says Im blaming him for everything and that its me who needs to change for things to get better. Or he gets way defensive. It always turns into an argument. Hes impossible talk to and just thinks Im a complainer. He thinks it all me

Answer 1

Work on yourself let him be himself and you just keep excelling and becoming more wonderful.

Answer 2

Wow. That sounds hard to live with. I'm not sure I could handle my husband treating me that way. He sounds like a good man, just kind of like he is forgetting to be a husband. It sounds like you have both lost your way. Does he have any inclination to want to work on your problems? He sounds really resentful and bitter. Maybe you need to change your approach to the way you try to talk to him. Just remember that what you are doing now isn't working, so just stop doing what you are doing. He says that you are a complainer, so rethink the way that you say some things. I'm not accusing you of being a complainer, just maybe you come off that way when you don't mean to. You need to find a way to be able to be friends again on some level. Seeking his forgiveness for any part in your problems might be a start. Learn to let him begin to see you as a human again, with feelings. If he can see you are really in pain, he will at least have some compassion for you. You need to find a way to be close again on some level. Don't let him give up on you. And it isn't just you. He is forgetting that it takes two. But don't tell him that, he will be defensive about it!

Answer 3

My ex-husband used to tell me what to do and most of what I did and how I did it, wasn't right in his eyes. We did not have children. It started out pretty subtle - I loaded the dishwasher one day and after I was done, he went into the kitchen and moved everything in the dishwasher around to his satisfaction. I did the laundry and I didn't fold the clothes the same way he did, so he would criticize me about that. I thought he was just set in his ways and we were living in the same space, so I tried to do things the way he did them, but somehow he would still get upset about it. So finally, I told him he could do his own laundry and I would do mine. Then he had a problem with how I did my laundry (once a week), not 3 times a week like him. He became abusive in many ways (verbally, physically, emotionally) and it was causing health problems for me. The doctor suggested I take an antidepressant. The first time I brought home samples the doctor had given me, my ex flushed them down the toilet. At my follow up appointment, my doctor gave me a prescription which I did not immediately tell him about but started to take. I sincerely tried to talk to him from the time these things started to happen. He would listen until I said what I wanted to discuss with him and then he get upset ((in my face not even an inch from my nose, screaming at me red faced and shaking) and storm off to his office. It really sucked with his 'my way or the highway' attitude and him unwilling to listen. I was walking on egg shells every day. He would put me down and say horrible things to me and because nothing was ever resolved, the same issues would come up and I would try to talk to him about it but the same thing would happened and then I was 'a broken record who keep bringing up the same stupid issues'. He was a lot like my mom and he would get upset if I ever compared the two of them. He turned everything around on me and all of our problems were due to me. What really drove me crazy was that he never acted that way in front of my family or his, so I would end up looking like I was the problem one and he was the good guy. I contributed a great deal financially to the household, but he always demanded more money from me and got upset about me trying to save money in my savings account and 401K. Enough about him.

After 3 years of that, I chose the highway. We divorced. I bought my own house and then I met a wondeful man who respects me and is so encouraging and supportive. He's my best friend and truly is my dream come true. We got married a year and a half ago.

Please know that your stiuation is not healthy for you or your children - I'm sure you've known that for quite some time. I could not imagine living that way for over 16 years. It's not easy to start over but you can do it if you really want to. I know because I had to start from scratch because I had sold the house I lived in before we got married and moved into his house - not much later we had a garage sale and sold my furniture and the smaller appliances I still had because he said 'we didn't need 2 of everything and he wanted to keep his' - things were good then, so I felt comfortable with it but not long after that happened he started what I described above and if I had still had my stuff, I probably would have left sooner.

Congrats on working on your depression! It's really important that you take care of yourself as well as your children.

I hope I've said something to help - best of luck!

Answer 4

you both need counseling, a mediator that won't take sides and resolve some of the finger pointing I can see that goes on..I can guess some of the issues because this sound like my old marriage but let the mediator figure what best..good luck.

Answer 5

He forgot his wedding vows. Remind him, and if it doesn't get better, get a divorce. Because he's not communicating with you tell him your forced to assume by his actions that he's already washed his hands of this marriage and so should you.

Answer 6

Get counceling, Men who are headstrong like that are not going to believe that they have contributed to any marriage issues.

Answer 7

break up with him

Answer 8

Talk to me*...