My husband's job is killing our relationship?

Question

My husband recently took on a new job that requires him to work more hours and they are odd hours. All this week he is working from 5 in the afternoon until 2 in the morning and often times he just works until there is a break and he is allowed to leave with no set departure time. They have a no cell phone policy so he can't even call me on breaks and check up on me. We have a 7 month old daughter and currently I am taking summer classes. For about the past 3 months we have been home pretty much all the time together and im not used to not having his support and help. When he is home he just sleeps and drinks beer. I'm trying to finish my degree and currently I don't have a job so he is the sole supporter of the family. I am thankful for his job and the money it gives us but we rarely see each other, our sex life is gone and when we do see each other we are so frustrated that we just fight! Is it time to call it quits? By the way I'm 18 he's 23 and we have been married about 9 months.

Answer 1

if the problem is really the job then try to understand his job and support him cuz hes doing what he has to to keep the family together and make sure they live right and are comfortable. If the problem is not the job then just seek consuling it will help build a stronger relationship

Answer 2

So from what I read he is only working 9 hours a day. He's pretty lucky. My husband and I both work. I work ten hour shifts with a 2 hour commute both ways. My husband is a local truck driver and his days can be anywhere from 8-14 hours... 6 days a week. We have 6 children between us. Our marriage is going great because we appreciate each other for our contribution to the family and make sure to get some time together whenever we can, even if it's only 5 minutes between him coming home and me going to work.

Sounds like you had one idea of what marriage would be and now real life is setting in. Someone has to support you and the baby. You are in school, someone has to pay for those costs as well. You have alot to learn.

Instead of complaining why don't you be an understanding wife and show your husband how grateful you are he is there taking care of your family. This is real life, you have a husband and a child.. it's time to grow up.

I also can't believe you are willing to call it quits over his job! What is wrong with you? Do you think it will be easier on you if you leave him and then have to support a child with only a small amount of financial help? Child support isn't going to pay for it all and you haven't been married long enough to even think of getting alimony. You leave and you will have to get a job, worry about childcare, etc... so there goes school. Not to mention the pain you will put your child through.

Stop being selfish and be the wife you vowed to be. For better or for worse...

Answer 3

NO! Do not quit!! He's working hard and you're working to improve your life. Together you'll make a great life for your child and a wonderful life together. There are SO many things worse than what you're dealing with, I don' t know where to start. I'll tell you my story. When I got married (wife and I were both 19), I took my wife across the country, got a job on a ship, and left her for anywhere from 7 to 21 days at a time. She was 1,000 miles from home and anyone she knew, except for our baby girl. When I would get home, no matter what time of day or night, she would be ready; make up, perfume, wine, and an appetite for me! She was selfless, and I have never forgotten it and have always tried to repay her. Since then, we've had three more kids, moved around the country 6 or 7 times, each time having to meet new people, and basically start over socially. This year we are sending our youngest off to college.

I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's worth it. It's worth it in ways I cannot even tell you.
I am the happiest man in the world and she is the biggest part of it. YOU can do the same thing. Be a wonderful wife and mother, as I'm sure you want to be. You will have hard times, maybe even harder than now. but, I say again, IT IS WORTH IT!

Good luck.

Answer 4

He's frustrated working these hours, I'm sure..Those are tough hours. You are frustrated b/c you miss him & you have a lot of responsibility riding on your shoulder with caring for a young baby. It's a miscommunication. I'm sure he is frustrated and missing you but maybe does not know how to express this. Most men do not. If you two can find a babysitter for a night or preferably a weekend and have some alone time, this might help. It seems like you two do not spend enough time with each other & both are frustrated with life & do not have the time to talk about this. You need to let him know that you love him so much and appreciate him & you miss him while he is gone..It's not easy to be a sole supporter & he's probably tired & the reason he drinks beer is to ease his mind. Try loving on him and opening up..It's worth a try and it may help. Good luck but you know, you two should not give up so easily..these are not uncommon problems in relationships..You love one another, stick to it..through thick and thin..for better or for worse..

Answer 5

I understand your frustration but I think that you are being a little bit unreasonable. He has no control over the hours or the policy of the company, so it's not his fault if he can't call and check on you. My husband was stationed out of state before our son turned one and it was over a year before we were all back together. So.....I was basically a single parent while my hubby was gone. It's hard when you feel like you are doing it alone. It's way too early to be thinking about leaving the relationship, especially over something like this. What you need to do is talk to your husband and let him know that you are frustrated and unhappy with the situation but let you know that you are happy he is supporting you and your daughter. When he is off, tell him that you need some quality time. If that means finding a sitter, just so that the two of you can take a walk, then do it. He probably doesn't like the odd hours any more than you do and that kind of shift work has been proven to negatively effect the people and families of those that work them. But........if it's what he has to do to support the family then that's what he has to do. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Before you call it quits, I would talk to your husband's boss about the hours that he gave your husband to work. 5 in the afternoon till 2 in the morning sounds ridiculous to me and there should be a set break set for him. Please ask if they can turn their cell phone policy around a bit. What if you are in an emergency and you are in dire need of your husband's help? Did that company ever think about that? (Not just you, but anyone who might need to be reached that works at your husband's job).

Also, setting some firm ground rules about his sleeping and drinking habits is a good idea. Some men think that just because they work well and long hours, they can just come home and slack off. Well, not true! Your husband needs to get up and help you around the house. About his job, if his boss refuses to lower the hours, then I would suggest that your husband quit his job and find a better one that doesn't make him work long hours, has a proper break and a policy where cell phones can be used on the break to call you.

The disadvantages to calling it quits are him having to pay child support, possible joint custody (depending on the judge) and just an overall pain from going through the whole court process.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 7

When you are married no matter what's the age and how long you have to make sacrifices and this is one. I know that the time you share with him is noce, but he is thinking about the family and the responsibility of taking of your child. We all have to do things to better ourselves and our family. Yse it will cause him to not spend time with you and your kid baut in the end it will work out for the best. As for the fighting there is no sense he is taking care of home and making sure you have a roof ovr your head. We all get tired of the jobs we have, but what if he did not have the job he has and was just running the streets with his friends and still not being there would you complain? Yes because he does not have a job to help you and you would have to be the sole provider. Thank him for being the man that he is and that's being there for the two of you and knowing that he has someone who stands behind him and supports him in what he is trying to do for his family. The average man would not take the time in working long hours like he does and you should be grateful he is being responsible. You have to hang in there with him every step of the way and stop arguing over the time he spends making a better life for you and your child. You have a good man and good men are hard to find these days. Soon his hours will change just let him get on his feet and be a man don't deprive him of that.

Answer 8

Honey if you are ready to call it quits after 9 months you have a problem. You haven't even hit the surface of your marriage. Good grief did for better or worse not mean anything to you. yes times are hard now and you are lonely and a bit resentful but there are hard times in all marriages and in every stage. Show this man some respect for supporting you through your classes and for him working full time. It is not easy working all those weird shifts. My husband worked the over night shift for 4 years starting at the beginning of our marriage. There were some days we didn't even see each other. Was it easy? No way. If you were wanting easy you shouldn't have said I do. You and your husband need to invest in a could couples therapist and for heavens sake work this thing out. calling it quits is ridiculous. It is so like most of the younger people I see now that want to quit as soon as everything gets the least bit hard and heaven forbid they have to work at something. Marriage is work! Surprise! You HAVE TO WORK TO MAKE IT WORK. I know it is hard but the rewards far greater outweigh the idea of getting a divorce.

Answer 9

I thought about your situation, which is a bit like mine, I work 12 hours shifts, and my partner does between 8-16 hours (only some days), and its shift work as well, so we work around the clock, so we hardly see each other some days...and I used to get frustrated with him, because I didnt enjoy spending time alone, but i spoke to him about how I was feeling, and I realised that he was working for us, so we could have a weekend away together, he took me to a flash hotel!!!!

But now he has cut his hours down, and I see him alot more, and its not a matter of being selfish, its a matter of partnership... but at least he has a job. He could be sitting on the couch drinking beer and NOT working... I imagine that would be worse.

We also check our schedules once a week and go on "date night" which is something for us to do together. Tonight its having a glass of wine at a lovely little bar... just chatting and catching up on our weeks...

So just talk to him about how your feeling, and together come to a solution, dont just give up becasue your feeling frustrated...

Good luck!

Answer 10

I understnad your frustration, but in no way is it time to call it quits. I've been in a work situation like this and that schedule is notorious for making your life into just work and sleep. It's happens to many people that have to work those hours.

These things have a way of working themselves out. In time, you both will adjust. There are so many changes on the horizon. You will learn that life is all about changes and adjustments. Trust me, it never stops...never. Hang in there. Talk it out with your husband. Do please give him some room about the schedule because it is difficult, but don't let him fall into sleep and beer...it also could turn into a bad habit and stop him from growing as a person.

Hang in there. Give it time. Things change all the time and there will be happier times ahead and possiblity worse times ahead....the journey is worth it.

Good luck.

Answer 11

Hi honey,

unfortunately this sounds like the majority of men. I agree that he has to work to support his family. The main responsibility of am men is his family. Besides his job, he is also responsible for his family. Your husband should not talk a job that will take so much away from his family. Balance in life is the key to everything. You can try to approach him and tell him how you feel. If things don't get better, you might have to either live in the same house as a separate couple as oppose to a married one or separate completely. Men don't seem to understand the important of family devotion.

don't feel bad, where i live there is so many couples broken because of the husband being inconsiderate.