Time for a divorce? We're going in two totally different directions.?

Question

I've been with my husband for 6 yrs. We have a child & 1 on the way.

Sadly our marriage has been hanging by a thread for some time now. We're becoming so incredibly different, and not in a healthy way. I'm 24, he's 27. In our early years, we liked to go out a lot, and you might even say we were bar flies. This past year, I have finally started to mature and want my life pointed in a different direction. For example, I want to be family focused,start going to church, maybe volunteer work, etc. While I like going out and doing things, I definately have no desire to live the party life anymore.

He seems to think that I'm calling quits on my life, and doesn't want to be "married to a grandma". His mentality is stuck at that of a 19 yr old's. His friends are huge drinkers, that barely ever work, and pathetically live at home still.
When we try to talk about it, there is no resolution. We argue until our faces turn blue. We both want the other to change.

Should I consider divor

Answer 1

It's tough on others when you make a choice to change your life because people feel they don't know you anymore, or feel that perhaps they never did really know you. It's frightening to them. They will also feel you're hypocritical, and you may soon start to feel pressures from church (or yourself) to bring him along, preach to him, convert him, etc., which may separate you further. Keep in mind that if YOU seek church or spiritual refuge, this is your meeting with God, not his way at the moment. Free will is a great gift, so respect his right to use or abuse it, provided he does no harm to others. He may not be ready for this until a year, decades, or perhaps at the end of his life. But when the critical time comes, he will think of what you might do in that situation. He belongs to God, and God will change or inspire him if He sees fit.

I've found it to be a good practice to pray for my husband whenever we disagree. It works, and helps to keep my head level so I don't say things I regret. Try not to argue.

Please don't attempt to convert your husband against his will, but to live your own life faithfully, since you'll be doing that anyway if you leave him. Religion and spirituality are deeply personal things which some fortunate marriages share, but it may be your path to go it alone while he learns from your example of patience and love. Teaching is lonely, and it may be that your lesson in this portion of your life is to be independent while still being married - a lesson which I think many women mistake for the reason to be divorced. Differences (provided they aren't harmful) are okay.

I should mention that if your husband is abusive, or his lifestyle endangers the children or you, you need to go.

If you're in a safe environment, and he's simply immature, look up Ronald Reagan's biography. It's interesting because he was raised by his mother, who remained married to his alcoholic dad. His childhood offers some terrific examples of how a family can cope (and succeed) with alcoholism and boundless love & forgiveness.

Make no mistake - this can be an extremely lonely lifestyle, so take measures to assure your husband that you love him and still think the things you love about him are great to keep your marriage intact. Make a list, since you may be disgusted by his habits. He will make you appreciate how Jesus has patience with us. Wow.

To keep some familiarity in your marriage, you can express yourself as your old, reliable self in ways that are within your spiritual boundaries. Personally, I would use sex as a great way to show him that you're not a grandmother-like prudish person, and that while you're wanting to improve yourself you can still be fun. Emotionally, men bond with sex; women will have sex (generally) only after they feel bonded with, so take the initiative and see how he reacts after a week or two of some spicy evenings. He may like it that you found religion if he sees a clear, personal benefit.

Good luck, honey.

Answer 2

Hi, I commend you dearly. You are wanting to change for the better! and that's fine. But..(I know here comes the but)...you can't get a sunkin ship to budge on it's own..which means you can't help your hubby on your own no matter how you try. He's going one way you another. And still that's fine different but fine.

If you are wanting to live a faith based life your walk with God is your own..when you go to church it's for YOU only (and of coarse the kids). I know this is really hard i'm dealing with this as well. But it's kinda like the old saying if Mom ain't happy no one is..So Mom you need to heal yourself it seems like.

And pray for him even if you've never prayed before just let this be your first. Because marriage is such a sacred thing between you two.

I wouldn't let the focus be on weather you should divorce him but rather on the permanence of your marriage. Divorce is a big thing now a days. But let me tell you that is the easy way out. When divorce happens it means the heart is already hardened...and you don't want this to happen.

So no i don't think you should consider this yet follow what you are doing join a church..get involved in something..i'll also give you an author's name to a book me and my husband are reading together (it's great i love this book)

One more thing just remember that marriage is hard whoever told you it was easy was wrong...this is the best part is when you two change together or just change this is good! Ask any couple that has celebrated their 50,60th wedding aniversary..they will tell you it wasn't easy...but they love each other. You'll be amazed that when Momma changes everyone else in the family kinda follows..lol..good luck really.:)

Answer 3

So, you married your husband because you loved him and everything he was and now all the sudden you want him to change just because you have? Life doesn't work that way and neither does marriage. Didn't you recite any vows that day? If so, what you're describing sounds like part of the "for better or worse" line. You mentioned church, I'm wondering what exactly you believe and how well you know your stuff. If you look at the New Testament in the Bible, it talks about how if a woman has an unbelieving husband, rather than preach at him all the time or worse, leave him, because he is an unbeliever, she should quietly go about her own business and with her quiet spirit, she will win him over. I can't tell you how many times I've heard testimonies from couples who have become Christians later in their marriage (my own parents included) who say that if it weren't for the other spouse sticking by them while they were still trying to sort things out for themselves, they'd still be lost. Imagine what your husband will think about not only you, but all believers and the Church in general if you leave him now. We're all sinners and we all act like it. Your children need their dad, stick it out. Make your changes, but let your husband see by your example how those changes are positive ones and don't turn you into a "grandma" by any stretch of the imagination. Too many people don't have the guts or fortitude or call it what you will, to stick it out, to stay together when the going gets hard, but we all promised to do it when we stood up there in front of everyone and repeated those words "as long as we both shall live" -- this is, I gather, your first real big serious test in your relationship with your husband. Only you can choose which path to take now. Good luck.

Answer 4

It's the arguments that are the problem. You need an impartial person to listen and help you two come to an understanding.

True, married people don't usually go in two different directions, but they do sometimes see the other person's perspective and learn to accept a little bit.

Yelling and argument is the problem. You also may see that it's him that's doing the arguing, so it's him that has to change. That's not entirely true. One person can not argue with themselves...thus an argument takes two people. I don't mean to bash you...I really don't. I just think what really has to happen is to find a new way to communicate and it's possible to accept two points to view and make a new shared vision for your lives together.

Good luck, I hope this is helpful.

Answer 5

This is a stage of marital adjustment. You will be back up on your feet after the other child is born.

You should never ever make a decision when you are pregnant, emotional, or depressed. You need to wait until you feel better.

I am honestly glad to hear that you are thinking about going to church with the family, good for you and the kids, even if daddy does not come along at first.

I am sad to hear your misunderstanding of how God intended a marriage and family to work. I hope you can learn more about Him, and become rock solid in the idea that Divorce offers no relief, only more pressures and problems.

Answer 6

Your husband is not acting like a husband OR a father if he spends most of his time with his drinking buddies and acting like an immature IDIOT.... so, maybe you should show him what it would be like to be UNMARRIED again.... move OUT or kick HIM out....for what is known as a TRIAL separation.... have NO contact with him and if he WANTS to see you and your 2 kids---ONLY LET HIM SEE THE KIDS----arrange for some other adult to be there when he COMES to pick up and drop off the kids... if he doesn't have you around MAYBE he will grow up a little.... it COULD also work the other way--he might ENJOY not having you around and decide he wants a divorce--if that IS the case, you really have lost NOTHING because if he still wants to be a child---he is NOT a man you want to be married to.

Answer 7

Being a mother changes a person much less being a young mother.

I used to hear people tell me all the time to wait to get married and have kids because you really don't know who you are/ start to become until between 25-32.

I understand now what they meant. (And it has been one long road, let me tell ya!!)

I was 18 with marriage #1 Divorced by 19# and Baby on the way.

I remarried at 21 and had baby 2 by 22, then baby 3 by 23.
I went through major changes, and hubby and I were in two different worlds. While I was changing 2 sets of diapers and chasing around a 4/5 year old, he was down the street watching football games, or cookouts with the rest of the beer drinking buddies. We had some fights, and more fights and some rough patches. But somehow I held it together and I slowly found different ways to divert him from dissapearing to the neighbors. And even now hes 36 and I'm 30, While I do the PTA, Youth Group, etc, he still gets his free time at the motorcycle shop or yes even having a break with the guys at hooters etc. and he does help out when I need him at the school or something. We just revolve around the kids and each other and keep our family plans #1 priority, then we look at if we have free time and we talk to each other first before we just do something. It is just a respect thing for us. He has matured and so have I.

Younger men have a difficult time seeing the responsibilities and needs of a family and settling down. They look at it as if we are cutting off a part of their bodies or something when we ask them to just stay home and be with us and the kids.

99% of the time it is a phaze, Yes I know its a luxury we don't get as moms for the most part, but we are also for the most part the glue of the family sort of speak. Our actions or lack of actions can effect on how well the family unit can stay together and on track.

We do have to put more effort in, to get a lot less in return but it doesn't always stay that way, it will just depend on your will/fight to make it work.

Im not saying to look the other way while he parties, but sit down and make agreements of a 1/2 way point. Don't keep him on a leash, just inside the fence!! (Sorry Guys, Just a figure of speach!)

Example...

Monday - Monday night football- He goes to a buddies house or bar in his case. (As long as he doesn't get stupid) and doesn't come home at 2 in the morning.

Tue- He stays home and does something as a family, walk to the park or etc

Wed- Home again/ family time

Thursday- Goes to buddies or hang out. For an hour or two.

Friday- Your night out together (No Kids) Get a sitter.
Date night.

Sat- Family day all day, then if he wants to go for a couple hours let him go. (Just make sure you make an agreement of how long again )

Sunday - More family time.

If you have to make a schedule do it, If he won't agree to it then tell him, there are more to being a husband/father then just a pay check.
And that he needs to have a bigger role in the families well being. And it is time to grow up since he has responsibilties to this family he helped create.

There are ways to work through it, you really just have to be strong but at the same time understanding of them.
And if he can't or won't meet you somewhere in the middle, then it is time to sit down and talk about what the consequences of him not being around or at least attempting to settle down some and that you do understand he is still young and needs some free time, but that free time should be last on the list of his priorities as a husband and father.

Good Luck and Hang in there!!
They do start to pay attention after awhile.

Answer 8

Depending on how much you love him....... I would say keep trying (personally I don't believe in divorce...) but I do know how you feel!!!!! I think you need to sit down and have a long heart to heart talk with your husband.... sounds like he has alot of growing up to do himself! But keep your kid(s) in mind and what is in their best interest as well. They definately don't need to see their mommy and daddy fighting and arguin all the time.. very unhealthy! Maybe try marriage counseling... or you said that you would like to get into church... find a church you both like and talk with the preacher there! Good luck with everything... I hope it all works out for you!

Answer 9

Sounds like you are wanting to grow up and be a good example for your kids. You are doing it the right way. It does'nt sound like he is ready for the responsibilities being an adult. Try one last time to find some middle ground. If he wants to be a teenager the rest of his life, you have file for divorce. You are far too mature for him.

Answer 10

You should go to a counselor to try and find a happy medium. And by the way.. women mature faster than men do. Don't forget what you guys had in the past.. simply try and get counseling to re-adjust it so that it works for the both of you.