Any advice for being unhappy in marriage?

Question

We have 3 kids, just had twins 3 months ago. I've tried everything, talking to him, letters, books, counseling. He tries to make me happy with THINGS. He buys me everything. But when I ask for his time, or intamacy, or foreplay, he can't give it to me. I know he has issues, maybe I do, I don't know. I love the man, but I am very lonely because he is so closed. I don't work. Couldn't possibly support the three kids alone. I have no family or friends to turn to becuase he was always jealous or angry with something they did and I chose him. Wondering how the hell I even got here. Sick of feeling so alone. This yahoo answers sometimes feels like my only human contact besides my babies. Isn't that sad? I know you're thinking he's abusive, he's not. Just very closed and angry all the time. Try to make him open up and laugh and it pisses him off. He's around all the time, so he's not cheating, but he's never "here". Always tv and computer. Says its relaxing. Any advice?

Answer 1

remember he is stressed as much as you are, but everybody deals with it a different way,,for me to relax and recharge i want to get alone and read the bible or listen to music, but my wife wants to talk and relive every moment of the day i want to forget,,,,have patience and tell him how you feel and remember he needs his own relief as well..gbu

Answer 2

Having kids puts a strain on marriage. Was he ever open and emotionally available? If so, it may just be where he is right now.

From his point of view, do you think somewhere he learned or came to the comclusion that showing love to a woman was "taking care" of her and the family financially? If so, then he shows you all the time.

Do you think he feels you spend alot of time trying to change him...to make him happy, to get him to open up, to get him to ___fill in the blank___? If so, that is a hard thing to deal with too. It becomes a control struggle. You can't "make" another human do anything...you need to learn to let go and grow happiness.

Funny huh- there is a human dynamic in relationships that seems to be all about maintaining space. You chase, he retreats. He comes forward to give you things, do you tell him you want something else?

Look, I was there 8 years ago, and left. He felt like he could never please me, I felt he never loved me the right way. You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? I didn't find happiness through divorce, just a different set of problems.

My advice would be to find ways to make yourself happy and let your husband focus on what he can right now. Life before babies, do you remember any hobbies you enjoyed?

Love dosen't fix a lonely heart, but growing your own soul will...no matter what becomes of the marriage. I know this isnt a quick fix answer, but it's been my truth- learned the hard way.

If there is constant chaos and drama, he will pull back.
Make you and the kids happy for a while...let him "go" so he can come back in his own time.

Answer 3

Everyone here so far has pretty much given some nice answers but....
YOU need the counselling! He does too(obviously he has issues!), but since you can't make him go then you still should. Perhaps then he would see how serious this is. At the very least, you would have someone to talk to who can also give you some solid advice and guidance. (If you have medical insurance just call the company---therapy may be covered. Make an appointment for when he's home and then GO! He's the kid's Dad, he can be with them all by hisself---YOU do it and more often!)

It DOES sound like he's "emotionally abusive": cutting you off from friends or family is a HUGE sign!

I know you can't just up and leave him right now...just please, please take care of yourself. Try to get the therapist. If not TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR! He does "let you" go to your doctor right? They will be able to help you too...tell them EVERYTHING! Don't let them "blow it off" as postpartum depression...that may be BUT this is IN ADDITION to that I'm sure...so tell them everything and for how long it's been happening.

Please contact me if you'd like. I'd be happy to talk more with you! (I have 3 kids too by the way!)
Otherwise, please take care...

Answer 4

Yeah, 2 pieces.

A) Post Pardon Depression.

B) Your being selfish.

Call your Doctor, PPD is a very serious condition. Symptoms include feeling alone, unwanted, unattractive, unappreciated, insecure, and desperate.
Quit trying so hard. Back off and give him some space. Be thankful hes at home and not out cheating, or drinking etc...

Then again, all relationships go stale after awhile. Especially when the kids come into the picture. Marriage is a fairy tale. True love is false hope. Of course ALL relationships begin as beautiful and amazing, but time takes a toll on it, like anything, and u find yourself in " the rut". Boring, tedious, monatnous, unexciting, uneventful, day in - day out routine.

U can do like most, and start an extra-marital affair and blame the imperfections in your relationship for it, or u can be strong, unlike most, and stick to your vows and promises " for better or for worse"

Now, u may need to do something crazy, like buying a motorcycle or learning how to play drums, just throw him off the path.

And yes, i hate my marriage, I hate my wife. She destroyed me with an affair.... is where all this pimped up aggresion comes from. If only she could have talked to me, without all the yelling??? PPD, didnt know.

Good luck, be strong

Answer 5

Congratulations on your twins! (not trying to be ironic)

I sure haven't got a fix for your marriage. But, if you aren't depressed yourself, get outta the house! go to meetup.com and join or start a group of stay at home moms in your area; start a scout troop for your older kids and be the leader (may need to contact your kids' friends' moms to join with you); get sitting or limited daycare (he buys you everything, right?), and take up a hobby like painting or pottery or metalworking or sewing that requires outside lessons (and you can later join hobby related groups), or go to cooking lessons - there are lots of people to meet at adult classes; take yoga classes at the same time each week so you'll run into the same folks ... a little at a time, make as much of your own life, and your own friends, as you can. Force yourself - write out a reasonable calendar, starting with just one regular commitment, and stick to it. If you become more than a trapped and lonely mom, it may make your husband wonder who the hell you really are. You don't have to be miserable just because he is. Maybe if he sees you flower out, it'll inspire him.

Answer 6

Lots of ideas are going through my mind on what the problem could be. I'm going to go with the simple answer of communication break down, and failure to understand each other.

How do you feel about self-help books? There is one that I would like you to read. "The Five Love Languages". It discusses how we all interpret love differently. Ya, I know your probably thinking that sounds pretty lame. But given your first few sentences of your post I think this book will have something of value for you. Giving gift is a way of showing love. You don't see it that way, but he does. (communication error) You see love as spending time with someone, he doesn't. Give the book a read. You have everything to gain.

Answer 7

Ive been married for six years, and I can tell you that men can change...if they really want to. A guy can do better at foreplay, being affectionate w/out the sex, and talking...they just have to be willing to work on it. If he is not, then u need to look at your other options. Start planning what to do for you and your children, and move on. It will eventually show thru your children, u dont want that to happen. I got out of my 1st marriage w/out children, and he was so selfish and emotionally very abusive. I am now married to a man, real one who is not perfect, but he is a good man and tries daily to connect with us and be here for us. Dont settle, u can make it out there w/3 kids...you will be surprised at how strong u can be. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Some men have a very hard time opening up, they build this wall up and even though your married, they still have issues with being in a vulnerable situation. They have to be the Macho guy 24/7 etc.

My husband was in the Navy, and at the time he enlisted he was small compared to many of them, so he built this tuff guy, cocky attitude stuff. (Kinda like a little banty rooster.) LOL
I was lucky enough to see through all the BS and see what an adorable, loving, pain in the A** he is. He is not a abusive man in any way what so ever, but he does get upset about the stupidest, minor things and has a temper sometimes, but like I said, I think a lot of this stems from the past. He had a tuff life growing up and been through a lot in past relationships so I have learned to just be understanding and see a bit of his perspective. It has taken me *Several* years and lots of tears to come to that point, but now that I am there It has been easier for me to deal with him, and him with me.

Unfortunetly with men like that, we generally have to bite the bullet and *Play* along. Meaning even though we are having a difficult time with how they are acting, we first have to get to the bottom of why, and in order to get there we have to add a little bit of sweetness to it all just to get a few answers.

Try to start doing things for him.
Meals that he likes.
Go on a date !! To a place he likes etc

Then slowly start asking questions about his day, how he feeling, anything he wants to talk about, etc make it all about him, then after awhile, slowly start telling him that you would love to be there for him to confide in and want to be closer to him in a more connected way. That you love the way he thinks of you by buying gifts but you really love his kisses and gentle touch more. (Mushy it up real good!! )LOL

I have learned ,You get a whole lot more when *you* dish out the honey first and ooze it out on him, after awhile even the most bull headed man, will melt like butter and start to receprocate.

Best wishes

Answer 9

Well having kids is a major stress for both people as I am sure you know. On the verge of sounds sexist we need our time to adjust to the growth in family, talk to him and need to reopen the connection lines. Is it possible to get rid of the kids for a night.

If that doesn't work you may want to think about the bad end of things.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

Answer 10

I got out of a lonely relationship, and I had four kids and one on the way, and girl I made it and so can you. Now days child support systems are really good. And you would be surpised at how much support you family really will give you if you only ask. Please feel free to contact me if you need any help. Take care.

Answer 11

I thought you were talking about me for a second. My hubby pretty much ignores me too. He spends his time on the computer or we watch tv together. thats as intimate as it gets. Hes always "tired".
also, my hubby only really wants my direct attention for sex and he skips right to the good stuff and kind of leaves me out of it. good for him, huh? its boring me to death
It is a lonley place. I wonder to myself how i got here.
thanks for making me see im not alone. this "answers" site is the only place I feel like I get any attention too.
I wonder how many of us are out there?
I can say this, its not safe to assume that he will always be there because if things keep going as they are, they will only get worse and he'll split.
You need to remember to take care of you. Keep up your resume even if its been 7 or 8 or 15 years since you worked. Keep up your education if you can squeeze out the time and money to do it.
keep any friends you may still have left because they will be the ones to keep you in check.
Of course, one must mention therapy. wouldnt it be nice if Dr. Phil made house calls to everyone?