Is this a typical marriage or just a rough patch?

Question

I've been married almost 4 years and known my wife 7 years. I was head over heals when we first met. Our relationship was pretty good until our daughter was born, two years ago. We both work full-time or more. Since our daughter was born we only have sex about once month to once every 3 or 4 months. I do most all cooking, laundry and cleaning, fix everything around the house, take care of our pets. We seldom ever do anything fun together as just the two of us, always some excuse. I am all about hygene, I shower daily. She showers just once every 3 or 4 days which she never used to be this bad, but I find it gross. I've made remarks about this and she just gets mad at me for "keeping track." I find it hard to initiate sex, because of the showering thing & the fact that I do everything else. She hardly ever initiates the sex. I have a fairly high sex drive and am becoming very frustrated. We become very short with one another too. She complains that I don't do nice things for her.

Needed more room. I am sure I have some less finer qualities too. But I don't complain that has not lost weight gain from pregnancy. I don't really care much about the weight. I just want to make this marriage work for our daughter sake, plus I still love my wife.

Answer 1

Something has to be wrong for her not to shower everyday. Maybe with a full time job, and the baby she feels overwhelmed. Your marriage seems like most who work and have a child. I would say when it comes to the sex she should be wanting it more than she is. Maybe if you tried doing some of the nice things she is talking about. Have you tried doing the date night? Set a night and find someone to babysit and take her out for a nice dinner and movie. I certainly can understand why your so frustrated since you seem to have a higher sex drive than her.

Answer 2

OK, this is typical, but then again, most marriages now end in divorce, so, that doesn't mean it's OK. I have a few suggestions... First, she doesn't feel loved, or she wouldn't say you don't do nice things for her. Start doing things she thinks are nice... woo...Buy her little luxurious presents like bubble bath (don't be cheap, either), expensive chocolate, flowers for no reason, run her a bubble bath if she's getting stinky, with candles and warm towels, read her poetry, and then go to sleep without initiating sex, or she'll think you only did it to get laid, not because you love her. IMPORTANT: When you've gone out of your way to be nice, give her hugs and kisses, but DO NOT initiate sex... to a woman who doesn't feel loved, it makes everything worse if she thinks you're just wanting sex. Write her notes about things that make you love her, if you're not feeling very loving anymore, mention things that made you love her in the first place. Take her out, insist if you have to, and arrange the babysitting yourself, but do it with consideration for her schedule. SHe may start to wonder if you're guilty about something you've done... she'll say, why are you doing all this for me all of a sudden, just say, "I realized that you were right that I don't do nice things for you, and I want you to feel loved, because I love you very, very much (you can say that suggestively, if you want to). After she starts to feel confident you actually love her (a few good cues are that she smiles at you for no reason, starts touching you more, initiates sex, or starts to do nice things for you), you can start to discuss the allocation of chores. Finally, about sex, showers, chores: stop keeping track. Don't keep score, that's not really love, that's bartering. I have a lot more suggestions, but those will probably get you some booty and a better smelling wife, and I bet a steamier marriage in the long run. And I speak from experience... I've been married for 11 years, have five children, and pregnant with my sixth, and we're getting busy, 3-5 times a week, not a year. I'd do anything for my husband, because I KNOW he loves me, he makes sure I know all the time.

Answer 3

Okay, I think the showering thing is pretty out of the Norm, no matter who you are.. you need to talk to one of her friends to let them know that she isn't very hygenic tell them to tell their girl what's up, know what i'm saying? . -- now the sex thing... you obviously love your wife or you wouldn't be asking advise from the www you need to have a talk with her and find out why she is so un-intamate and see if you can talk things out and figure out a way that she will not feel pressured and you will not feel like you are not getting what you think you deserve, not to take you down but being a woman I can definately say that just cause you think you need it does not mean you really do, you have urges, yes, but you need to look at the entire picture and do not blame you wife when you talk to her do not say the words " you need" or "you don't want to" because it will only make her feel guilty and she will put the wall up higher-- catch my drift? Instead ask her what she thinks about you romantic relationship and give her some postive feed back everyonce in a while.... good luck!

Answer 4

Rough patch. Even under the best circumstances, a new child changes everything.

Good for you for sticking by her. Sounds like you really love this woman. You vowed to love her through good times and bad. Now's your time to step up to the plate and get through this together.

Sounds like she might be depressed or at least very stressed out and exhausted. Professional help might be in order.

You did not state if she works longer hours than you do or if her job is more stressful. These may be factors as well.

You may feel you're carrying the bigger burden right now, but she may be struggling with things you don't quite understand. Be the good man and love her.

Try inviting her to shower with you. Yes, even with a two-year-old you can do this while your daughter sleeps. Then cuddle with her! Most women will get into the mood after cuddling!

Try not to "keep track" of who does what around the house. It'll only create more tension.

Also, she may be doing other things that contribute to your family's wellbeing...grocery shopping, chaffeuring your daughter, managing your finances, caring for your daughter, etc.

Try to get her involved in household chores by suggesting "team projects" or asking for her help with something specific ("honey, could you please put away these dishes while I get dinner started?") And then thank her.

Remember, your daughter is watching and learning everyday, so try to set an example for her and maybe your wife will catch on too.

Many a wife has been faced with getting hubby to help. In your case, you need to use tact with this woman and inspire her to improve. Nagging gets you nowhere.

As far as time together, just the two of you, ask a relative to watch your daughter or even hire a good sitter so that you can rekindle the flame.

Yes, it's a fact of life that after a child arrives you don't have as much "two of us" time. There are now three of you, so you can go to your neighborhood park together, stroll together, watch Disney and Barney shows together, play & read books together. Cherish these moments. Before you know it, your daughter will be all grown up and you and your wife will have lots of time together.

As far as your sexual frustration goes, try all the positive ways to get her in the mood, or just take care of yourself. Be patient. If your sex life was great before, you may just be going through a temporary dry spell. Better to play alone for awhile. Looking elsewhere for sex will kill your marriage for sure.

Be faithful and get through this rough period.

Answer 5

First of all sex doesn't have to be everyday. Secondly having sex once a month is no big deal. But the fact that she is not keeping herself up is a real good indicator that something is not right with her. Have you considered that she may have post partum depression or some other form of depression? Unfortunately for me I too had gone thru it. I didn't know that I had it and neither did my family but they knew something was not right. Fortunatly my husband, like you, stuck it out until my mother saw the signs and helped me get help. Try this site and I hope it helps. God Bless.

Answer 6

Post natal depression for sure.This lady seems to have lost interest in life,hence the obvious loss of self esteem.Your wife needs professional help to come through this.You are doing a commendable job keeping your marriage together the way you are.I feel that you may need to be the one doing this for a considerable period of time yet, but if you get the right help you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.Good luck to you both.

Answer 7

FIRST OF ALL, that girl needs to shower DAILY. That is just gross. Second of all, she needs to exercise and get the baby weight off.

Try running a bath for her every night when she gets home from work, hopefully after abut a week or two she'll pick up the habit.

Second, maybe you guys could go for walks in the evening together after dinner to help with her baby fat.


I agree with the people above, not showering daily is a sign of depression. Maybe she needs some happy pills for awhile or just some extra attention.

Answer 8

Sounds like she's not honoring the marriage. In my opinion, the part about sticking through good times and bad also implies that you'll do your best to keep it good. She's definitely not doing that.

I think you're spoiling her. Why are you doing all the work, and she's not even taking care of HERSELF? This relationship is way too lopsided - you're carrying too much of the burden. If it was me, and I know you're going to hate this, but I'd say couples counseling is your only option. Maybe if she hears an unbiased 3rd party telling her to shower and help clean her own house, she'll be more likely to comply.

Ick.

Answer 9

It sounds like the baby blues went to full blown depression. I went through something similar. You need to sit down and talk to her about this, she needs to she her doctor. This will be very hard and test your marriage but it'll all be worth it in the end when you see the old side of your wife again , good luck

Answer 10

no woman goes days w/o showering!! Sometimes I take 2 or 3 a day she must smell like a fish market down there. In all seriousness maybe your wife is suffering from depression.