I am in my middle thirties. My husband is 40. We have been married for 13 years. I am very interested in sex and would like to have it as often as possible. He used to want sex all the time. Now he says he just doesn't have the desire. We have had sex twice in the entire month of June. In the past few months, I can probably count on one hand the number of times we've had sex. There is no conversation, no emotional connection, there is no non-sexual intimacy (hand holding, kissing, back rubs, nothing) and now there is no sex either. I try to initiate and he says "Why can't we just lay here together." I have tried numerous times to tell him how I feel this, although not everything, is very important in our relationship. I have tried to compromise with him and ask him for sexual attention 2-3 times a week. He says, "Why is there a number on it?" He doesn't understand how hurt I am over the rejection, loss of affection, love, care, etc. I'm afraid divorce is in the near future. Any advice?
2007-06-29 08:11:31 · 25 answers · asked by WS 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you need to talk to a M.D. It very well could be a medical reason.
2007-06-29 08:17:38 · answer #1 · answered by Amy L 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some of these answers will kill you more than anything else.Ask him to see a doctor first, to see if everything is O.K. he's at the age for ED (erectial dysfunction) this could be caused by any number of reasons and there's nothing to be ashamed about. My friend went through this and found out he had prostate cancer.
Sometimes, around the late thirties to the forties, our bodies start slowing down. It's unfortunate that a partners sometimes slows down quicker but, there are ways to heighten the act.
A advice columnist that recently passed on related this in an article she wrote.
If you both agree, on a Saturday morning say, shut all the doors, turn off the phone. Tell your friends you'll be away. You can also do this renting a motel room with a swimming pool and hot tub.
Rent some X rated movies and just relax for the day, see how he feels about it. Take your time, sometimes there's more enjoyment in the foreplay then the actual act.
I know of three or four couples that do this, it's getting to be the "in" thing, renting a motel room with a swimming pool.
2007-06-29 08:48:10 · answer #2 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for what you're going through...I had a relationship like that with an exboyfriend- and after 3 years, we split up. Luckily I'm in a relationship now where we refuse to take one another for granted. It's hard to tell what's going on with your husband since nobody's a mind reader. Here are some recommendations.
1) Be really straightforward and say (gently) that you are becoming unsatisfied with your sexual relationship, and that you both need to change for the better- even if that means you have to schedule a "date night".
2) Have him see his doctor for ED
3) Change your diets so you have more energy
4) Try exercising together or getting involved in physically competitive things- it can heat up the bedroom
5) Give yourself a day to pamper yourself- get a new haircut, buy new make-up, get new lingerie.
6) Don't ask him to have sex. Seduce! Don't take no for an answer. If he tries to protest, don't give up. You're the boss.
7) Try counseling
8) If all of these fails, maybe he is cheating, and it's time to cut your losses. Marriage is a two way street.
2007-06-29 08:24:00 · answer #3 · answered by Kirby 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. For many years thats how it was with my wife and i. We are in our 40's now. My wife is the sexiest thing in the world, she looks like she's in her 20's. i want it almost every night and it happens maybe once a week, lately its been a little better. It would drive me crazy, feeling rejected, hurt too. What helped me was to finally stop keeping score about my sex life and being grateful for what we have and when you are together it makes it that much more special and it can save your marriage. Dont get me wrong, i would love to tear her up every night if i could, i have a very strong sexual appetite. I would never think about divorce over sex. Maybe you should peak his interest a little more though. Like buying some really sexy laungerie and surprising him and walking by him with it on all hot and ready. Perhaps when you two are out somewhere, stoping by a "toy" store and picking something out for the two of you. Good Luck.
2007-06-29 10:48:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
At 40 years old, his libido should still be fairly active. That he won't even do the 'small' things make me wonder what's up (no pun intended). Try getting him in for a thorough physical to rule out any physical problems first. You might be surprised what can affect his emotional state. Is he under stress for instance? There are many other things which could affect his desire, too many to list here. Start with the physical and then work on the emotional. If he's okay physically, go for some counselling to see if you can discover the problem. Divorce should be your last option at this point.
2007-06-29 08:19:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes when a couple r married or together for along time, 1 or both jsut dont feel the sexual desire for the other. I know, I am a man , age 40, and was married before and that happened to me. It wasnt me that didnt want sex, it was her. So incidently it did end in divorce in my case, but it doesnt have to happen to you if you r still in love with him. if you havent already, try sitting down with him and tell him your desires. Maybe there is something else that you can do to spice up your relationship alittle bit, that will make yourself alittle more desirable to him. Sorry, Hope i have maybe helped alittle. You r welcome to E-mail me if you like tony_phipps@yahoo.com I also am on messenger, though I am not sure how to do that quite yet. dont mess with puter that much. Take care Tony
2007-06-29 09:40:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well this takes some serious negotiation. Plan a time to take him on about this, like maybe a Saturday morning. Then you can tell him what you would like as far as sexual attention. But if you want 2-3 days of sex, then tell him that you would want 4-6 days of sex this way you have something to negotiate. Then ask him what he would like as far as sexual activtity. See if he brings up something that you actually would enjoy, but if he has no interest that may not be likely. Be sure to bring research (books, magazines, articles) about things you would like to try. Be thorough and do the research
2007-06-29 08:32:29 · answer #7 · answered by dave n 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it does sound like your whole relationship is suffering right now. with no conversations or emotional connections of course the sex is going to suffer. and he probably peaked in his early 20's and you are probably reaching your peak about now making the lack of interest on his part even harder for you to understand. i would suggest a marriage counselor to help you find the connection between you again. have you had time away together? a vacation? maybe life has just gotten in the way and you have forgotten how to connect with one another. when you talk to him make sure you do it in a way that does not put pressure on him (sexually) so that he will be less likely to push you away.
2007-06-29 08:39:22 · answer #8 · answered by adelaide 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with many of the answers you've gotten already...A physical check-up and blood tests are needed to see if he's healthy or not.
If everything is OK, then perhaps his lack of desire is caused by stress and anxiety. What's important here, IMO, is that you can communicate with him and explain to him how you feel. When we make a sexual advance and our partner rejects us, we feel awful and of course we take it personally! Who wouldn't???
I guess his attitude could be caused by different issues....But if you love him and you trust him, then you should be able to talk to him and ask him what is troubling him...and ask him if you can help in any way. Maybe he just wants to be held and to feel comfortable; and not necessarily feel he has to "perform".....
Another thing you might consider is going to counseling or therapy. Who knows? Maybe the whole sex issue is just the tip of the iceberg- and other things are lurking underneath! Good luck!
2007-06-29 09:16:36 · answer #9 · answered by Nena S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
::There is no conversation, no emotional connection, there is no non-sexual intimacy (hand holding, kissing, back rubs, nothing) and now there is no sex either.
This would be unacceptable to me.
You are just hitting your sexual peak.... It could be a hormone imbalance, an emotional intimacy issue or hmm, is there a lot of stress going on at work or could he be depressed.
Suggest he get a check up at the doctor and/or ask if he will go to counseling with you.
2007-06-29 08:23:03 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
KEEP YOUR EYES & THOUGHTS ON YOUR HUSBAND !!!!! Be careful, not good grounds for divorce. What if his ******* did not work, would you still feel the same, turn the table, what if you felt as he does, You need to spend some quiet time away from everybody, go to the beach, rent a beach house away from everybody. Try this: next time you guys are alone, take phone off the hook, make sure you are clean, hair fixed, little perfume, walk around the house almost nude, tell him you are hot, I bet in a few minutes you will see him glancing at you,,,,,,
2007-06-29 08:31:52 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋