How does "retreating" solve anything?

Question

Oftenttimes I've heard the terms "retreating" or 'going into his cave" described when a man walks out on an argument or disappears. My husband used to do this early into our relationship when living together & even early in our marriage.
He used to go off & disappear, later finding out maybe a week later that he was staying w/ his brother or some other guy friend.
Are women supposed to try & understand this? Well I did test a few times whether he was where he said he was and yeah, he was just off in his cave "retreating" or whatever. He doesn't do this anymore, but it doesn't make it any easier to forgive even years later. This behavior clashes w/ my own fear of abandonment and rejection And caused me to become very angry, resentful and hateful towards him. I feel this behavior destroys relationships and don't see why anyone would act this way if they really love the person they are with. I used to suffer so much when he did this, if it wasn't for our 2 boys leaving him wld be easy.

Answer 1

Okay..this is so far off from what I thought it was going to be...To me, 'retreating' is a way to simply cool off and refocus my thoughts. We do so to prevent a disagreement from blowing into a full fledged fight (yelling). Though I have been known, and my wife has as well, to go for a quick walk around the block...to disappear for a few days is umm...running away, not retreating. I can understand why you might have an issue with this. Running away never solves a problem, it just makes it fester (as can be seen in your words). To me, a retreat is just that..a time to pull back, regroup and then face the problem. Resolution comes from honest, open discussion, not avoidance.

Answer 2

Quit making a mountain out of a molehill. Remember that even Superman had his fortress of solitude where he would go to think and charge his batteries and just be with himself. I think the whole retreating thing is sort of genetic. Men have usually been the one plowing the field or bringing home the mastadon to eat or whatever; and they usually do so alone with their thoughts. Men also are very bad at multi-tasking due to their solitary existence. Women, on the other hand, are better at communicating as they have to take care of kids, cook, guard the cave, etc; and do so with other women about. This is a requirement for multi-tasking. Men are simple plodding one thing at a time type creatures that women keep around to amuse themselve with; sort of like a cat plays with a mouse before killing and eating it.

Answer 3

Hi

My husband does this too! It used to make me CRAZY! I felt so abandoned, rejected, sad and horrible too, when we would have an argument and he would need to go be by himself. And for him, it could be a couple days - sometimes he would even need to sleep on the couch, or the guest bedroom. He would barely speak to me, not eat dinner with me or the children. Just sort of really keep to himself.

But in time, Ive learned that he needs the time away to sort of think things through. He most often comes back gently and says something like "Im sorry Im so hard to live with" and nothing more said.. it's over.

I think it's important to set boundaries about the time he needs away, though. I dont think it's unreasonable for you to know where he is, know that he is in a safe and comfortable place. And that he can be reached in case of an emergency with the kids.

Answer 4

Out off the two of us I am the one who retreats but not staying at someones house I just have to get out the house and go sit somewhere and cool down.

But my husband never comes after me even tho I want him too and it kills me because to me that means he doesnt care enough and the one time he was p*$!ed at me and left and I thought it was a huge over reaction I didnt follow him like I have done for the past 6 years and he came home and said the thing that bothered him after it all was that I didnt go after him- so at least he got a taste of his own medicine, but twice his mum and dad stayed with us and they had Huge arguments in our house and his mum kept walking out the door and not telling anyone where she was going, no warning at like 12am or 2am etc and after I saw what they were like I must say it has stopped me leaving the house because it solves nothing and I certainly dont want a relationship 25years down the line like theirs, but his dad doesnt go after his mum so now I know where he gets it from!!! Not that, that helps.

Answer 5

no it solves nothing......communicating is what works...men do not communicate the way woman do that is a fact, however I do not think that because of their lack of communication skills that gives them reason to walk away....