why does he still look at porn and what should i do!!!?

Question

I have been with him for three years now, and this has been on and off our entire relationship: this whole porn issue. I am at my wits end here... we are both in leadership positions at our church...and we are engaged now! ENGAGED! He is the youth minister, and I found nasty porn videos and thumbnails in his laptop! The bible says when another man looks at another woman with lust, he has committed adultery with her in his heart and mind. So, he has cheated on me. I love him, but I can't deal with this in a marriage OH NO. Should I give him an ultimatim or should I tell him GOODBYE. (remember we have a youth group) ( I am praying about this, but I would like some opinions....)

Answer 1

Normally porn is no big deal & it's normal for men to look at it or watch a movie every now and then. But your husband is a good church man and has a youth group so that's strange. I don't think you should give him an ultimatim! I think you should talk with him and be there for him and let him know how you feel ! The devil does things to pull us apart from reality and from god and this is one of them, remind your husband of this and maybe even talk with the preacher of your church if he counsels. Good Luck!

Answer 2

How do you know that he is looking at other women "with lust"? He could be looking at it for enjoyment and entertainment, but not with what could be considered to be "lust". I can look at a young lady on the beach in a skimpy swimsuit, and enjoy the view. The fact that I enjoy the view does not mean that I want to sleep with her.

You seem to think that the human body is something to be hidden and covered, rather than enjoyed. Did not God make Us in his own image? Why then is it a bad thing to enjoy that image?

You say he is the youth minister at your church. While you may have religious beliefs about right and wrong, I think you would be surprised to find out what the members of your church do when they are alone.

Why are you snooping around on his laptop? If you can not deal with him being a man, and looking at some pictures, perhaps it would be better for you two to end the relationship now. I can not see him being happy with someone who snoops, and judges him.

I seem to recall something about "judge not lest you be judged".

Answer 3

I do believe it is time to tell him goodbye and also let the pastor of the church know that he into this crap. He should not be leading any youth group or anything in the chuirch if he has this problem in his life. If you have a problem with this then maybe it is a sign that it is not for you to get married to him until he changes his ways.

Remember marriage is a sacred bond and should never be taken litely you are expected to say with them for all life and eternity as you know being a church goer that God frowns upon divorce.

You must choose wisely and right now this guy isn't!. Tell him you feel disrespected and quilty in the eye's of good being in these leadership positions and him looking at this pornography. Tell him until he stops this behavior the engagement is off!.

Answer 4

Believe it or not, lots of girls look at porn, just like guys, they just won't admit to it. Ha, I'm not 18-21 yet, but I've looked at it before. It's not bad. We learn from it, you know..

Answer 5

Men are visual creatures my dear; it is perfectly normal and healthy for a man to look at porn, even if he engaged or married. Not to mention that people are imperfect... everyone has their vices. Is he out therre sleeping with strange women or soliciting prostitutes? No... Is he using illicit drugs or abusing alcohol? No... Is he physically abuvise to you or any of the children in the youth group? No... God is loving and forgiving of mankind's small imperfections, you should do the same.

Answer 6

I normally don't have a problem with porn but in this situation is interfering with your religious beliefs. If your religion is important to you you need to make him choose. This goes against whats important to you. You cant even begin to build a life together if the trust isn't there and you don't agree with such an important part in life.

I really think you should talk about this NOW before you get married because this will be an issue unless you deal with it now.

Answer 7

My opinion is looking at porn isn't a problem unless it's taking away from the relationship. I've never understood why people take such an issue with it. Don't even get me started on the religious aspect of it.

Ultimately, it's his choice. If a woman tossed something as trivial as this into my face and gave me an ultimatum, I'd send her packing. God only knows what she'll do when a real crisis comes up.

Answer 8

I would hate to find out that our youth minister spends his extra time flipping through porn. Actually I wouldn't want to ever be near him again....That is something teenagers do and then grow out of . He now has company of a woman and still needing to look at it? You need to find out just how bad of a problem he has with it. I really would for your future. Eventually you may be way to boring for him. Probably after you marry him and have children. What a waste.

Answer 9

Well since you want to throw the youth group in it , definitely call of the engagement. I would also report his behavior to the pastor. This man has no right to be in a position of trust and power over the youth of your church. I ask you , think about the children first. You already know his behavior is unacceptable to your and church standards. And don't think giving him an ultimatum will change his behavior. Well I guess it would change it , he will get better at hiding things from you. Think about the children, you already know what you need to do, he will not change.

Answer 10

Hello Cinderella

Let me ask you this. As Leaders in your church are you abstaining from premarrital sex?

Have you though about the fact that if you are. then as a MAN. weather in a relationship or not he still has a "BASIC NEED " for sex. As men we respond to stimuli. have you noticed how people dress? how have you dressed, and how far have you gone on your date's? Lots of petting and kissing? have you ever though about your effects are having on him?

Yes Porn is considered evil by society. but is it evil for a man to adress his hornyness issue in private? or would you rather see Priest who molest children?

Personally You might consider talking to the pastor about your troubles, bring in some marrital counciling and get things in the open. weather your gonna like this or not. MEN are not taught how to handle our "BlueBall's" condition and to be quite honest it's a painful situation for us also. both physically and mentally. We men don;y have CONTROL of our sexual responces. Women can turn it on or shut it off with a whim, but we men can only "RESPOND" how would you feel in his shoes? Especially if someone starts delevering Ultimatums. yet say's she loves you.
Love is NOT conditional, yet your placing one on it in your eyes.
Yes you should let him know this concerns you, YES you should let him know this needs to be addressed BEFORE marriage. but if your truely a cristian women you better start showing actions that demonstrate unconditional love, and help find a solution. not just abandon him

Oh I might as well mention this. Is he abstaining from sexual relationship with women? so this means he is basically a virgin also. did you ever consider he may be trying to learn "HOW" so he does not hurt you on your wedding night? after all WOMEN are the ones who place all the pressure on the wedding night. and MEN have to satisfy some etherial dream so that it can be compared later in life to how well your friends were on their "SPECIAL" night.

Just a though.

God's Blessing be with you. I hope you find a good solution.