How can I talk to my defensive husband?

Question

my husband is a great person to talk to when I have a problem with anyone or anything other than him. He sits beside me listens, gives me great feed back and makes me feel great about the issue. But when I have an issue with him, it's horriable! He usually gets really mad, goes into defense mode, give me next to none for feedback, usually, yup,..so, or uh huh and ok. He also shows no emotion, I'm usually balling my eyes out by then, and he is stone cold just staring right through me, that's if he does look at me. Usually he will go to the other end of the room and show his back to me.If he gets really upset he just gets up and leaves. What do I do? I've read so many books on how to talk to someone about issues, like saying I feel, I need, being as straight to the point as possiable. But none of that seems to do anything. It's aweful because I can't even ask him to help out with the house with out him getting this way. What should I do next time I have an issue with him? Please help

ok so let me go through the last senerio we had, I said honey do you think you could clean the bath room tomorrow?, he said, no that's your job, your the wife, do take care of the house, not me. I got insulted and told him that hurt my feelings and he got off the couch in the living room, went to the bed room, turned on the T.V really loud, and I ended up cleaning the bathroom. I try not to ask him for stuff unless I absolutely have to. I did suggest a councellor, but he didn't want to go. I've been a few times but my sessions have ended and my councelor said that he can't do anything more for me unless he goes too. So this is the stage I am at. I will reduce my nagging, but I just don't feel like an equal here.

Answer 1

First of all, how do you feel when someone comes to you and says you need to change the way "you" are. Not very good, well, how do you think he feels? very good... He does not like it either... Well, then maybe the problem lies between your ears. Maybe treating others as you would like to be treated, you know Jesus' statement, it may really be true!! Women think that they can change a man, why do you need to? Accept his faults and focus on his strengths. If you really love someone then you wouldn't need to change them. This is a serious defect in the female mind that needs to be addressed or the man will always lie cheat and steal to avoid the "created, made-up" drama that women all seem to love. ---- You should be thankful that he pays most of the bills, deals with your bi-polar emotional highs and lows and never brings it up.... Wow, I bet he loves you enough that he just wants you to be happy, without making him unhappy.... Stop Nagging!!! Start appreciating!!!

Answer 2

Even though you are talking to him calmly about issues he is probably thinking in his head that it has to turn out to be someone's fault - so he takes the initiative to be defensive and put it all on you before you can do it to him. He might have been brought up in a household where this is how his parents acted. Talk to him and explain to him that what you are talking about is no one's fault and that you just want his input on how to handle the situation. Tell him that everytime you talk to him he is defensive and you don't understand why. He needs to know how you feel and he needs to know how he is acting. Try to work it out together, but if he continues to be defensive then get in to see a good marriage counselor.

Answer 3

This sounds so familiar . . . . . my X was a salesman and got home about 3 pm everyday. I didn't get home until 6 pm, and after his nap, he'd be sitting there, waiting for me. Shortly after we were married, I asked since he was home so early, he could start dinner, etc. He said, "Oh no, we're not starting that. Cooking is your job and I'm not going to do it." It seemed my job was also all the house work, laundry, and so on. I hired a cleaning service (and paid myself) so I wouldn't be stuck cleaning a huge house every weekend on top of a 50 hour a week job.

My X got more and more inflexible and defensive and if I tried to discuss anything, he would deny he said anything. I finally had to leave. We tried counseling, but he insisted all the problems were mine. After a couple of years in therapy, I realized he was totally insecure and unable to admit a fault. It helped my get my own identify back.

I suggest you seek therapy for yourself to understand why he's acting this way, and why you are putting up with him. Your sanity is too valuable to waste on him.

Answer 4

He's the type that can't handle his own problems. It's easy for us to see other people's problems, but when it comes to us, it's hard for us to identify it. When you see that your husband is upset, let it go for now, then when both of you are in a better mood, ask him. Have a conversation about it. Maybe it's the way that you approach him with it? And sometimes maybe it's your tone of voice. But seriously, point it out, and if he gets mad then leave him alone. When both of you are in a better mood, tell him what you appreciate and don't appreciate from him.

Answer 5

I suggest you fix this problem BEFORE you have an issue with him. Call and make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Then tell your husband how you feel and ask him to go. A professional counselor will be able to help you both identify the real problems in the relationship that cause him to react like this, and will help you find compromises and strategies to resolve the issue. If he won't go, then go yourself. It will really help.

Answer 6

Read one more book-- The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands"
Because it sounds like you're saying when you criticize and reprimand your grown husband over something you have an issue with, you expect him to roll over and be grateful to you for pointing out his shortcomings. When you don't get that response, you cry and carry on and then get upset that he didn't react the way you wanted him to.

He's not defensive-- you sound like you want him to be grateful when you slice off his balls.

Answer 7

would be great to see a true example of how you talk to him,

never ask Why either, that puts the person on the defensive

Answer 8

Write him a letter and leave it where he is sure to find it-- open by telling him how much you love him and value your relationship with him.

Answer 9

Show him this message you typed to us and if doesnt read it, then you yell in his face saying "YOU ARE SO LAZY!! YOU NEVER WANT TO SOLVE ANYTHING!!" then leave the room and dont speak to him until the next day

Answer 10

You can't talk to a man about a man. Get you a girl friend. Don't ever let a man see you cry.