Who should you prioritize more, your wife/husband or your mother/father?

Question

It's not a matter of if you choose one, you can never see the other one. It's the more complicated and subtle situations. Who should you have more deep conversations with? Who should you trust with all your confidential information with? Who should you go to first when you're having problems? I'm asking this because my husband's answer to all those questions above would be his mother. And everytime I try to talk to him about this, he excuses his behaviour by saying that he's been living with his mother his whole life and we've been married for only 2.5 years so obviously he's closer to his mother and needs time to adjust (huh?), or worse, accuses me of trying to come between him and his mother. The only thing I have that he can't do with his mother is sex.

Answer 1

Did he miss the part about forsaking all others in the wedding vows?

When you marry, you make a new home, a new family, with your partner. You can still be close to your family, but your first duty and allegience is to your husband/wife. They come first when you marry.

If that's not the case with him, you need to deal with this sooner rather than later. You might want to think about professional couples counseling.

Either mama's boy needs to get over mama, or you need to kick him to the curb. If he won't get better, he'll get worse

Answer 2

Well most people know that when you marry that you will lose some ties and most often you will not communicate with family as much as you once did. Meaning that your spouse comes before anyone else. You should always feel that you can talk to your mate about anything and vice versa. I think you must tell your husband that he is no longer a mommas boy, but your husband and if he cannot concieve that in his life then why is he married in the first place.

It sounds to me like he has a problem cutting the cord with his mother. Tell him either he starts discussing everything with you and starts making you apart of his life or it is over.

Tell him you want to go to counselling with him because you are fed up with all this crap. Tell him if he wants to make it three years he will grow-up and say goodbye to his mommy!.

Maybe if he hears from a professional that what he is doing is disrespectful to you and just that his connection to his mom is a bit creepy being a grown man and a husband. He may truly see that he is being a fool and and an idiot that is on the brink of throwing his marriage in the crapper.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 3

Oh honey, you keep asking the same question, you're just rewording it. If everything that you've posted is true and not exaggerated, then it's obvious that your husband doesn't respect you, and he probably doesn't love you. You already know the answer to this one, but for some reason you need validation. I think he's tearing down your self esteem, and it's only going to continue to get worse.

The relationship between your husband and his mother is creepy. I'm wondering if there's a little more going on here. Sorry, but after all the questions of yours that I've read, it seems they are little TOO close.

It's okay to love your mother, just don't LOVE your mother..

Answer 4

I have been married for 8 years and I think we all, us wives have issues with our mother-in-laws!
But I believe that when a husband and wife get married they become one. I don't believe that your mother in law should come first before you. You need to first spend more time with just him to build your bond with him. Go for a little vacation do some bonding time. The more time he spends with you and only you the more secure he will feel with you, the more you will be in the picture and the more his mother will fade out of the picture. Next sit down with him. Let him know that you are an equal partner in this relationship and that there needs to be limits, reduce phone calls to parent to just Saturdays. That way you have more time to address issues he might have, make a rule that he can't ask for his mothers advice before he asks for yours. Let him know that although his mom is allowed to give him advice you and him are ultimately the only ones able to make the decisions. Third draw a line on what either of you can discuss to your parents. Make some issues like,..sex, money, ....etc. off limits to be discussed with your parents. and fourth be patient but persistant. The last thing you want is your husband not wanting to talk to you because he dreads it and then resorts to talking to his mother. I hope that helps, good luck

Answer 5

This is a common problem for couples. A big trick in having a successful marriage is transitioning from thinking that your family-of-origin is where you "belong", i.e., that's where your loyalties lay. To make the marriage work, you both have to place each other first, and realize that now you have a new "first priority" - the new family you are forming with your spouse.
Family- of- origin has to come second.

It sounds like your husband has blurred psychological boundaries with his Mom that are getting in the way of him having a true intimate relationship with you. The solution to the problem is lots of counseling - marriage counseling for the both of you, and he needs some individual counseling as well. Good luck!

Answer 6

What in GODS name are you talking about?
What does your parents have to do with your marriage?
I could have sworn when you get married your parents don't die but remain your parents...Why do you have to choose?
It's two different types of relationships....

Who should you have more deep conversations with?
Well, I beleive talking about your menstrual cycle would have to be with your mother and not your husband unless he wants to hear it...

Who should you go to first when you're having problems?
Uuummm, I would say your spouse...
So wait, If he is all attacthed like a leach to his mother and still lives with her then why marry a BOY?
There is a difference with being a son and acting like a 3 month old...

Answer 7

Isn't it established that once you get married that is your right hand person --- the one you trust and build your life with. I'm sure you're not asking him to break bonds with his mom and not talk to her about what's going on in his life --- but more to open up to you and establish that close bond and trust with you. Sorry girl, that should have been there before you got married. It's terrible to feel as though the only thing you share with your husband that is truly intimate is sex. What a horrible way to feel.

It's obvious you're not asking him to chose, you're asking for intimacy. And I don't think that's wrong

Answer 8

Your life is with your spouse, not your parents. This is your life. Not theirs.

"The most important decisions in life are made between two people in bed." Billy Bragg

Your husband needs to get out from under his mommys wing. You are his partner. If he runs to his mom now, he always will.

I experienced this first hand and lost my wife because of it...Here is my story, I'll try to make it short.

I was bathing my 2 yr old daughter and had my six month old son in a bouncy chair next to me in the bathroom on the floor. My wife was out at the store for a brief break from the kids. My son began to cry and holler as if he had been dropped on his head, and I could not get him to calm down while sitting in the chair. I had no idea what was wrong with him. Fine one minute, wailing the next. I got him to calm down, but then he would start back up. Anyway, I knew I could not leave my daughter in the tub to pick up my son, and I began to get stressed out at the crying. I did not want to get her out of the tub and dry her off and have her get cold and then have to put her back in since her bath had just begun. Feel the stress mounting?!?

Well, I had my cell phone. Instead of calling my wife home to help, which would be about 10-15 minutes for her to get home, I called my mom, who lived 5 BLOCKS away. She came right over, finished my daughers bath, while I carried and walked with my son to calm him. In walks my wife, who had seem my moms car out front and thought something was seriously wrong. (me or one of the kids hurt)

Anyway, she gets all pissed off that I called my mom instead of her. I tried to explain that I called the person who could get there and help me the fastest. I was not choosing my mom over my wife. I called who could help FAST, NOW. Well, right there in front of my mom and kids, my wife told me she had had enough and wanted a divorce. She got it.

The moral of the story is: You are a couple and a family. You should be his priority and and he should be yours. NOONE should get in your way. Blood is thicker than water, but you have to put that aside and live as a couple.

Thanks for listening. Hope this helps. I hate that I am divorced and dont have my kids all the time. My ex lives 100 miles away and I see my kids everyother weekend. I am now engaged to a wonderful woman and we are building our lives together. We see each others parents for bbq's and such, but they are not a part of our EVERYDAY lives. your husbands mother should not be either.

Answer 9

Yourr husband or wife has to come first. The biggest part of being married is that you are now an adult, on your own. If you are still dependant on your parents, you are not ready to be married.

Answer 10

For a man......you need to leave your mom and dad and cleave to your wife (meaning your priority is to your wife and family first, then your parents........in emergencies and urgencies its understood and necessary to tend to them but overall.....you have priority to your wife/husband first and foremost before any other).

Sounds like your husband hasn't quite made up his mind about leaving his mother and father.........his devotion now is to you since you married. His loyalty is to you not his mother and father......before you were married yes....but now that you're married no. Flat out tell him his priority is to you. Tell him to grow up and begin to be responsible, loyal and caring.