My wife told me that she lost her virginity to me on our wedding day. Seven months later I found out that I have an STD. Come to find out, she gave it up to a family friend after getting drunk at her Bachelorette party. Now I'm going to have lifelong problems and on top of that my trust in her isn't what it was before. What should I do?
2007-06-29 03:53:49 · 40 answers · asked by Johnny Boy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I lost my virginity to her as well.
2007-06-29 04:00:23 · update #1
It is pretty simple, she lied to you and the first big event of your married life turns out to carry a lifetime of memories and reminders that are not good. You have to ask yourself, can you honestly forgive her and let this pass? I am having doubts that she only had it happen this one time. A family friend at her bacheloreete party? Possible yes, but not real likely. Sounds like you need to have a sit down talk with her and have her come clean about everything from her past. One thing you can do is go talk to this family friend and let him know that if his and her stories do not match it could have devistating effects on your marriage. Then ask him to just please tell you everything that happened and if he had/has an std that he could have possibly passed on to her. If he swears up and down that he is clean and does not have one, just let him know that she claims she got it from him and one of them are lying. Let him know you are not mad at him (even if you are), you just can not see going forward in your marriage unless you know everything that happened and can come to terms with it. Once he tells you what happened, then go home and ask you wife to tell you the same thing. Let her know you talked to him and he told you everything and now you want to see if the stories match and it is her time to come clean. If the stories do not match you can not believe her and can no longer trust her....Then you will have a better idea if she is square with you or lying. I would be willing to bet she lost her virginity before that night. The STD is what makes me think that. One time, the first time, gets and STD that last for life? That means herpes (usually) and that normally is only transmitted when one has an active outbreak. He would have known this and probably would not want to give it to her is she was a virgin and wanted to make you think she was a virgin after marriage... Something smells here...
2007-06-29 04:17:07 · answer #1 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If a woman held on to her virginity for that long she isn't very likely to give it up at a party unless she was so drunk that she was unable to consent (which is rape). I knew some girls who saved it and it was their "gift" for their husband that they safeguarded like it was the Hope diamond and I can't see how anyone would keep it safe and then one step from the finish line just give it away, even if they were drunk.
I'd get the low down about the party from one of her bridesmaids, ask to meet with her don't tell her much just tell her it's vital she tell the truth about everything that happened that night. Since she's presumably her best friend (if she isn't this is who you also need to talk to) ask her this with a knowing look. "I know she wasn't a virgin before we met, was she." and see if she "spills the beans" or is honestly shocked. More than what she says will be her facial expression if it says "Oh crap, he knows" or not.
Then you'll know if she was a party girl in the past and was just stringing you along.
Then you have to make a decision about whether you want to salvage this marriage or not.
If so, try counseling. It can really work if you're both willing to really try. If not, end it now - no sense dragging a dead marriage on.
2007-06-29 05:16:46 · answer #2 · answered by Zaferus 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Am not even sure where to start here.......Let's go with the lie that she "gave it up" at the bachelorette party. You can't honestly believe that she saved her virginity for marriage, only to lose it at the party. I just don't see it happening. Now, you have the gift that keeps giving, and you feel stuck. You think nobody will ever want you because you are tainted or something.
Your marriage is already over. You no longer trust her, and you are right to feel this way. This isn't a problem you can work through or get over. Now, you have to move on with your life. You have to take your medications, and be honest with any of your future sexual partners. It's not any fun to realize that people aren't always what they seem. Especially if you love them.
2007-06-29 04:24:43 · answer #3 · answered by Nashville Guy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Johnny Boy, If she lied to you the first time she has lied to you for the second time. You need to file for a divorce immediately. What makes you believe that she only had this guy before marrying you. Don't believe it. She gave you an STD this could be that she has been with multiple partners before getting married to you. Consider this seriously. Is this the example of a mother that you would want for your future children? Think about it. A liar, a fornicator, and a disease carrier? Talk about trust. Now your health is at risk. Get out while you're ahead. Go check yourself every six month for HIV. Good Bless.
2007-06-29 04:11:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is a very good chance that the trust will NEVER be regained. You have a daily reminder of what she did, not just cheating but lying to cover it up and the VD on top of it. No matter what she says or does from this point out you are always going to question her.
You have to get a way for a couple days and answer one question: Is is going to be a worse life for you living with this person and what shes done to you and your marriage, or living a life without her and still having the daily reminder and being forced to go on. Can you live with and love a person you can't trust?
2007-06-29 04:23:19 · answer #5 · answered by cardoordent82 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh My God!
If you are serious your wife just got caught this one time-she has done this before with other guys. Nobody goes out and sleeps with someone before marriage like that. What in the hell is her problem. Make sure that you get a HIV test, even though you know you have a STD aids can show up months afterwards even with the first negative result.
I'm speachless hon, dont know whatelse to tell you but for you to think long and hard on staying with her.
No trust=No relationship
2007-06-29 04:02:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry you're in this situation. But, I kinda get where your wife is coming from. It sounds like you're being a little bit of a wimp. My take on this is that women like it when a man "takes control." (within bounds, of course) Don't ask if you can hug. Man up. Just do it. If you hug her and she rejects you, then that's something for the marriage counselor to figure out. Sounds like there's passive aggressive behavior on both parts. It's the worst kind, I think, because you can't move forward in life if you're worried about protecting yourself. Try not to be so wrapped up in her reaction to you - keep your focus on yourself. It's the only thing you can control. Good luck.
2016-04-01 10:24:52 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not saying leave her but it's completely messed up! Especially if it happened at her Bachelorette party! What could she have been thinking? I wouldn't trust her, and if she was so devoted to you to get married but slept with someone right before the wedding who's to say it's not going to happen again. Only you can decide what to do, but you have to decide if you can make a relationship work without trust. You can try to forgive and forget but it's hard to forget something that's going to effect your life forever. I wish you the best of luck, and I'm truely sorry you have to deal with this situation.
2007-06-29 04:03:41 · answer #8 · answered by d_marie_n 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You could do what one of the guys did here in PA...
He did some foreplay, tied her up, and then put a cold curling iron in her "hooey." He taped it to her so that she couldn't wiggle it out, then turned it on high. And left her there. (And is now in jail, so you might want to refrain from that.)
Maybe she was raped at the bachelorette party and didn't realize until sometime later that she had gotten the STD. That can happen, you know. But you'll never find out until you sit her down and talk to her.
2007-06-29 04:00:20 · answer #9 · answered by theewokprincess 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
hmm, what can i say, this has to be hard on you but are you sure that she did even remember because she was drunk and anything could happen which will not be her fault but if she knew, then your marriage is base on a lie, so is up to you if you want a divorce or knowing how it happen already, you all should sit down and talk to work it out together as husband and wife because this might not change the fact that she still loves you and that she is really sorry as well. forgiveness is the key to a marriage also.
2007-06-29 04:05:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋