i cheated but after seven yrs my wife still uses this weapon.....how do i get her trust back?

Question

seven yrs ago i did betray my wife and every time an arguement comes around she still uses it against me that im the one that cheated not her....how do i get her to trust me and get past the infedelity???

Answer 1

first of all, too bad you made such a bad decision. I hope you don't ever do that again. as the victim of being cheated on, I know how hard it is to leave something like that behind. i think what your wife needs is to get if off her chest again. i felt the need to regurgitate it over and over until i didn't feel the need again. you also need to make sure you validate her feelings. don't get mad at her for still being angry. being cheated on is THE hardest thing to deal with. LET her vent. Ask her to vent. Tell her it's OK to get mad at you until she's not mad any more. YOu have to understand that different people deal with pain differently. some can get over it and others take a long long time. and finally, ask her so she can tell you some things that you can do to make her feel better. tell her she can think about it and get back to you but you'd really like to know. she really is hurting herself by continuing to feel sad and angry after 7 years, so understand that you are the ONLY person who's going to be able to help her change that. Just be a pillar of support and nothing else. If she sticks it in your face in an argument, be the stronger one, since when you cheated you were the weaker one. Address her comment immediately and ask her what she is feeling. Let her regurgitate it AGAIN. The more she does this, the better she will feel. Believe me, I can relate to her hanging on. You need to take it, and validate her feelings. What you are looking for, her forgiveness, will be achieved if you understand that YOU need to help her purge her sadness over and over for a little while. Keep it in the forefront of conversation for a while. and don't get mad at her if you feel you are repeating things to her, like why you did it, over an over. remember, you are allowing her the freedom to deal with it in the only way it's going to work for her. be a pillar of strength for her. just give. it may be hard for you, but this is the consequence of your bad actions. To be fair to you, also tell her you want to listen to her over and over again because you want your relationship to work, so you are willing to listen a lot. but the goal is for her to move on eventually. she has to tell you what she needs to move on, and you need to accept it. even if she says she has to ask the same questions and get the same answer one hundred times, then so be it. believe me, you are the one she needs to help her thru this. she will come around. Good luck.

Answer 2

Yo Mr Bigg Your wife has you by the gonads. You will never make it up. What you can do is avoid the arguements. Look into getting a divorce. Be real serious about changing your life 180 degrees. One of these arguements is gona end up in violence Your goin to jail. She doesn't have to call 911 the neighbor can do that. After divorce I got that motorcycle I always wanted. Lots of good ladies that are single don't be afraid to split. You have been walking in fear and torment for the last seven years. DO NOT be nice to her when the assets are divided--don't give in . make sure it is half. Stop letting her charge on your VISA. Stop all charging plus all the other cards. Cell phones stop paying for her phone. Cut off service. .Same with the kids cell phones. You are not gona pay for anything that is in the wife name. Wipe out the check book and cancel. Any other accounts--wipe out and cancel. All your business will be in cash with receipts and money orders to pay the bills. Just do it and do not say anything to her. Let her find out. Get a PO Box and change addresses. She tormented you all these years---make it as nasty as possible on the wife. She could have forgave you and continue loving you--thats not what happened.

Answer 3

Key phrase "how do I get her to trust me"

You can't----she has to do that.

I would love her and cherish her. Take her out more. Do things that a lover would do. Demonstrate by action who you are and not who you were. If she pressed me about it I would tell her that she didn't deserve that. Tell her that you glad that she has remained faithful.

If she ever said that she forgives you then I would lord it over her. "I thought you forgave me." If she hadn't I'd ask for it and be very humble while I did. Everyone makes mistakes and we all have to pay for the consequences of our actions. This will be a battle every day until she learns to forgive. This is the girl that you threw your hat in the ring with so let her know that you love her. She needs to get a healthy grip on her anger.

Answer 4

I would suggest you ask her to forgive you and put it in the past because you can never grow as a family if you keep that incident in the as a fence. You made a mistake and your are sincerly sorry for it. She can either except it and move on or she can continue to fuel this fire and watch the marriage blow up. When she says she forgives you it means to never bring it up again and start anew. You have to explain that she is your world and that the thought of losing her was punishment enough for anyman. God has forgiven you for your sins and so can she. Find out what she wants to do with the situation and go from there.

Answer 5

If she uses your cheating as a weapon against you that is a situation when it is better to stop working on her trust. She just makes you running the nex and next circles in the arena till you collaps. Tell her that you agreee with a revange cheating, and that is all. If she does it you will show that the only way to mention a cheating after a time is only a playful leg pulling, and not endless lamentig.

Answer 6

When things are calm and you two are not in an argument, tell her that continuing to throw this up in your face is just continuing to allow the incident to control her life.

As a woman that was betrayed, I can relate with your wife, however I made a decision to not let his mess up control me. I sometimes say things about it out of anger, but it really isn't an issue...it's my way of diverting the fight to be about him and then it isn't about whatever I have done.

The only thing that will make this better is time and communication. Hang in there and seek the help of a therapist to mediate.

Answer 7

Unfortunately this is a difficult subject. She did take you back. It was her choice to stay. You need to earn that trust back. Also seek some professional help. She's still hurting from it and that's why she's still using it in arguments. This is not an easy thing to get over, and it will keep happening until something is done about it. Talking from personal experience. Good luck, theres still some love there she didn't shove you out the door.

Answer 8

Both of you are at fault in this situation because you would have never lost her trust if you never cheated. Trust is a very hard and sometimes impossible thing to earn back. Then again, if your wife said she was going to take you back, she should have meant it and put it in the past. If she's not going to leave it in the past, then she needs to say that so that the two of you can go your separate ways.

Answer 9

Such bitterness, ladies.

It was 7 years ago. He needs to put his foot down and simply tell her enough, already with the past, if we are going to continue build our future it must NOT be mentioned again!

Thats it, bud. Say, then leave the room and end the discussion. Don't say another word, just leave, go for a walk, let her soak it in.

If she tries it again during any subsequent arguements you simply leave again, without saying anything, eventually she'll get them message.

Any other action or reaction simply gives her bitterness more power. Man up.

Answer 10

Time time time.

This is a big one to try & overcome - my husband has not cheated on me but I even get bothered thinking about him with other women before me! Don't be angry at her for continuing to hold it against you - how would you feel if you had an image in your head of your wife with another man? That is what is in her head all the time. If she brings it up in an argument - put aside what you are arguing about - take her in your arms & hold her tight & say how very sorry you are for hurting her so deeply - it breaks your heart to know that she is hurting so badly.

Then tell her let's talk about the current problem. But - you know you are in the dog house for who knows how long, right?