I tried to make it work with my ex-husband for the sake of our son and now in a major mess.. advise?

Question

To make a long story short.. Approximately four years ago I divorced my husband when our son was just a few months old.. He has a horrible anger management problem, he is a stoner, and was verbally abusive and extremely controlling.. Therefore I left him.. Our divorce was aweful.. We have joint custody with me having primary custody and my son lives with me in NY and the ex lives in FL. I get crap for child support and he hates me horribly for leaving... After about 3 years of being divorced.. and my stupidity , thinking he changed and for the sake of our son.. decided to try the relationship again. Things have been good for about a year now and have gotten myself pregnant again with his child. Well the last time he came to visit, long distance, he said some horrible things, i got upset and he left without saying goodbye.. He's still very abusive and I have not been returning his calls.. He is already threatening again to take the kids from me? Do I call a lawyer, be pro-active?

Answer 1

First of all do not think that just because you tried to find some positive in a man that you wanted to believe in makes you stupid. Naive perhaps but do not down grade yourself as it seems he has been doing to you for years.

Second document all of his threats, record them if possible just be sure to say, on tape, that you are going to record your conversations and if he disagrees then tell him he will need to communicate with you in writing. Email is fine and they can be saved for as long as you need them.

Third if he is threatening you and you feel that you and/or your children are at all in jeopardy then do file a restraining order immediately.

Fourth yes you should contact a lawyer as he has now proved that he will not change, he is a danger to you and your children.

Remember to look in the mirror and know with out a doubt that any of the ugly things he said to you are not true. Abused spouses (women or men) tend to stay or even return to an abusive relationship because they have started to believe the horrid things the other one has or is saying.

He is not right! You have value and you are your children's protector.

Love your kids, get them some counseling so that they will have an outlet for the negative that they have already experienced.

Hang in there!!

Answer 2

Holy God!!!! My wife could have written that! Seriously. I was exactly that way a few years back. There are a few things you need to consider. when my other half and I split up and our son was removed from me I actually started drinking more, I was under the impression that having him around would give me a reason to sober up, I still think it may well have done. the problem you have is that I can't promise that it would have done - I think it would but that doesn't cut it when a kid is involved. You will have to make that judgement call about your husband - you know him better than I do (although I think I can empathise with the guy prety damn well). Oddly I found getting off drugs a hell of alot easier (long-term) than giving up alcohol. Short-term it was hell but I don't need them or want them now. Alcohol is very different - you never stop wanting a drink in my experience. You just control it. I drink once a week or so now - in moderation. I could still happily walk into my local pub and get smashed 7 days a week though. A bit of me actually wants to. Basically you have to make the call as to whether you think the new baby and having you around again will give him the motivation - it sounds to me like it may well do. He's a lucky guy - from what you've written you sound alot like my missus - without her I'd be a total wreck or a corpse by now. You can mail me if you like - I'll help anyway I can - you kind of touched a nerve there. Good luck to you and your whole family. Seriously hope it works out lass.

Answer 3

First and foremost, learn a valuable lesson: PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE!!!! Be grateful you do not live near the nasty creep. Call a lawyer and have papers drawn up for support of the new baby. No judge will take children away from a fit mother and give custody to an abusive, angry father. But you need to make a clean break from him. Make it clear that this is really over, but that he will be responsible, financially, for the kids til they are 18. Try to establish a polite and cordial relationship for the sake of the kids. Move on and get some help to learn why you have put up with this abuse. His threats mean nothing. Ignore him, and be careful. I would make sure you don't see him alone and, perhaps, change locks on your doors. Good luck. I suggest some counseling along with the legal advice.

Answer 4

Well he can't take the kids from you, that's for sure. If you get "crap" for child support then that must mean he's not making much money - or he has other children or many debts. Either way, you are legally divorced and technically the child you are carrying is out-of-wedlock which means you have automatic sole custody. He can take you to court to get joint custody of that child too, but I doubt very seriously he'd be able to take them. He'd have to first prove you are unfit, then hire lawyers out the wazoo, and since he sounds like he's full of hot air, he's not going to that. So, for now, just learn from your mistakes, DO NOT go back to him again, and raise your children, alone, if you have to. If he abuses you, chances are he'll abuse the children. Be safe and good luck.

Answer 5

Controlling men threat to take the kids away. He did threat you the first time and didn't do it why would he now......you think he wants to end up alone with 2 small children. (Men can be full of it sometimes) You know he would need to prove beyond any doubts that you are an unfit mother which I don't think is the case. You gave the man a chance and he's turning out to be the same jerk he was a few years ago. Do what is necessary to finalize this divorce and make sure you have the legal guardianship of the children.....who knows, he might be jerk enough to go ahead with his empty threats.

Answer 6

Call a lawyer and move on. I know it is easier said then done but, looking back now you can not say "what if he changed"
you know he did not and is not going to. Sorry to hear your situation. Please know that any child growing up in a house where 1 parent is controlled, and verbally abused is not better then having parents that are divorced. I am sure you realize this know. I would check the school and see if you can get your son some counseling because I am sure you are not the only one on this roller coaster ride. Good Luck

Answer 7

First of all, your decision making skills suck. You have majorly screwed yourself from day 1. Other than that, you could try and be pro-active and call a lawyer, but you could end up fighting a loosing battle... and in the end, the lawyers are the ones that end up with all the money. Your best bet is to take your kids to a hypnotist, have their memories altered so they think their father is an ***, then cross the border into Canada or Mexico. From the sound of things, it seems likely that your ex will have a criminal record, so his chances of following you are very slim. If you act quickly, then you can get away before any legal action actually occurs.

Answer 8

He couldn't get primary custody 4 yrs ago, has his situation changed so that he would be able to get it if he tried now? Definately be proactive and contact lawyers in your area so that in teh even he follows thru on his threat you know who will take the case and for how much. In the mean time, get a note book and document every interaction. You gave him a second chance and he made a fool of you, now you know better.

Answer 9

I would most definately seek advice from a lawyer as for getting one I don't think I would get one just yet. Although if you did get one and you didn't want him to have custody at all then you could go that route but I would still seek advice from a "professional". I hope everything works out. Take care and to hell with abusive spouses.

Answer 10

He won't change permanently. I do think you should get a lawyer now and probably even a restraining order for your and your child's safety. My sister kept going back to an abusive husband, and he would be great for a little while and the beating would continue. She finally left him after he almost killed her. They had 2 children, too.