'My Broken Sky' - your thoughts on my poem pls?

Question

Their thunder broke my sky
Their lightning tore it apart
I walk where the sky fell nearby
To fix it where should I start?

Around me, people write their songs
Some deal with roses' thorns
Some others try to sing
To forget what the future may bring

The soft, silky broken sky
How could I throw it up high?
How could I mend it
Putting it back together again, up there to fit?

Answer 1

Please forgive the bluntness of this critique.
It is offered warmly to your poet soul.

1st Stanza
1 Good
2 line repeat of the first line - no acceleration
– 1st line it broke, 2nd line it tore – metaphore hiccup
3 line creates movememt but
4 line is Ackward & kills the momentum

2nd stanza changing ryme structure creates minor hiccup
1 line is good
2 is ackward – roses’ thorns
3 line is good
4th needs snap

3 stanza
1 – broken conflicts metaphorically with silky
2 – “throwing sky” give little emotional resonance
3 - good
4 – Ackward, the sky has gone from silky, to torn to a fitted puzzle piece

Off the cuff – what I would do:

Their Thunder broke my sky
Blue myriad raining shards
Sweet Gaia’s cloak
In holy smoke
A deadly house of cards.

Around me people writing songs
And tuning up the strings
They cannot see my broken sky
As bits and pieces flutter by
They look at me with shining eyes
And say “Why don’t you sing?”

The pieces are so many
My hands so very small
Forever seems a time to brief
To even find them all
And should I gather each in place
And know each one by name
And command eternal Angels
Put each back from where it came.
I still would hear the echo from
This shattered day of tears.
Why were we given moments love?
We should have owned the years.

Answer 2

I like the images in your first stanza. Yet, the second stanza doesn't seem to connect to the first and third. I like the third stanza all the way up until the last 2 lines; it is a little awkward. I think this sounds better, but it is not my poem:
"How could I mend it?
Should I put it together again,
up in the firmament?"

Answer 3

Yeah , I thought the first stanza is great!
I am not sure what you are trying to do with the third stanza though.... I have a suggestion, even though you might not like it.

The silky soft broken sky
How do I climb it high
How do I mend its remains
Of putting it back together again.

Answer 4

You started just fine, then lost it in the end. Redo the last stanza....but you have a talent. Keep working at it. Good luck.

Answer 5

That;s a very beautiful poem; i liked everything about it.. keep writing 'your really good,

Answer 6

It's good in conveying emotion. You may want to rethink "their thunder" and "their lightening." Whose? Who are they? It's not clear.

Answer 7

I really like your first four lines--very original.

Great title.

Answer 8

I think you and your poem are beautiful.