How do I break this unhealthy pattern and get out of this relationship once and for all?

Question

I've been in an on again-off again relationship w/someone who has cheated on me several times. Each time I caught him red handed and he tried denying and deflecting each time. After that didn't work, he told me how sorry he was and that he couldn't live w/o me and he couldn't believe he was so stupid in a weak moment and it would never happen again...for me to please give him one "last" chance. Each time I've gone back to him, thinking he could/would change. Other than his cheating, he was the ideal boyfriend and treated me very well. caught him and broke up with him (again) a week ago and he's pulling all the same tactics w/me again. I want to be strong this time and get out for good. I know this isn't healthy and he'll probably just do it again, and because even if he never cheated again, I don't think I could ever trust him because of past transgressions. I feel weak though and want some self-help tips to get me through and please be careful not to judge...I'm not stupid, just hurt

Answer 1

I hope that my closeness to the situation will not hinder your consideration of my opinion.
That being said...
Yes...dump him and end it. That is the way I would handle it. Although there is no good reason for one cheating on another...it happens.
The basic problem is this;
You want to (and are) committed to this other person and want and expect the same level of commitment from them. That person (although he may care very much for you) does not have the same desire for the level of commitment that you do. You may very well be the apple of his eye but he does not hold the same view of commitment that you do. Although it does not seem fair...the only realistic approach to this type of situation is to determine whether or not you can accept his level of commitment to you. You know you can not change some one or their behavior. You can only provide parameters in which you are comfortable operating within. He has crossed those lines several times so obviously he is not willing to adhere to your guidelines. This is not to say he is a horrible person. He may very well be wonderful in many other facets of your relationship.

So you have a boyfriend that cheats...you could have a boyfriend that steals money from your purse to support his drinking habit...or he could be a complete slouch and play video games all day while your out working earning the dough...or he could be Mr. Wonderful but have a tinsey problem with heroin (please note my sarcasm when I say “tinsey” because it is not and it would be just as devastating as being cheated on)…but you don’t...this one cheats.
The point I am trying to make here is this;
Our mates all have at least one shortcoming that we have to decide if we are willing to accept them for it and cheating is his for sure.
You have to decide whether this shortcoming is one that you can accept.
Frankly...I don’t think you should. Nonetheless...you HAVE been.

So...even though it hurts and you feel like you may be losing a best friend...you need to do what is best for you in YOUR OPINION.
As silly and stupid as it may seem...some women (and I am sure the same can be said for men) can tolerate their s/o philandering. (Bill and Hillary are still together and they are committed to each other…for some bizarre reason!) Some can tolerate the s/o drinking or gambling problems or what have you because they are willing to focus on the other positive attributes of their loved ones and they feel that maybe they can change their bad habits.
There is no easy way to make your choice because it is a matter of the heart and you do love him. He loves you too. That does NOT mean that you are meant for each other or that you should accept his behavior. This is your life and you should spend it the way that YOU WANT TO! That means making choices that you are both happy and comfortable with. You have your standards…a s/o that will treat you and respect you with the same level of respect and commitment that you give is not an unrealistic thing. The old adage about there is always more fish in the sea is 100% true. If you decide that YOU have had enough…then stick to it. One day you will reflect on this relationship and utilize all of the skills that you have learned during it’s course to handle future relationships. The end of this relationship should not be seen as a complete loss. Mourn the death of your relationship and the loss of your closest mate. Gain some closure and pull your shoulders back…hold your head high and look your future square in the eyes. You will get the s/o you deserve. This was just an important learning phase in your life of how to manage a serious adult relationship and learning when it is time to end a chapter in your life is yet another important lesson.

Stay busy…really busy. Make sure you socialize as much as possible. Distraction is necessary and helpful but do not ignore your grief. You have every right to feel hurt and at a loss. Before you know it you will be through this period and when you do meet that special someone… you will be a wiser more capable significant other yourself.

And you know what? If you do decide to give him one more shot…don’t feel bad about that either! There is nothing wrong with trying to work things out. If you can make things work out and 20 years from now you guys are still going strong…then I would say that the many chances you gave him were worth it. But that is a tough road to travel. Your relationship would require a great deal of understanding and A LOT of PATIENCE. Do you see yourself with him in 20 years? Do you see the both of you happy together in 20 years? If so…then stick it out.

When we come to the end of the road in our life and you realize that you cant take your material possessions with you and your social status doesn’t transfer to the other side…what do you have left? The satisfaction that you led the life that YOU wanted and the love of those that are near you.
Good luck in making your decision. Don’t let the situation make it for you. If you need help…”just call out my name…and you know where ever I am … I’ll come running….yeah …yeah…You gotta a friend” –James Taylor.

Answer 2

Bella, you need to see what you're doing to yourself by getting back with a guy who doesn't give you the respect and love you deserve. We know you're not stupid, too! When you're holding onto something, sometimes it's hard to convince yourself to let go. Each time you feel the desire to get back with him, just go over all the reasons you broke up in the first place. He cheats on you every single time and then tries to talk you back into loving him. Nobody deserves to be treated like they're disposable. It's a matter of willpower, and you need to stay determined to be rid of this guy.

Make some positive changes in your life that'll help you move on. Get a new haircut, buy some new clothes, anything that'll make you feel renewed. Keep moving forward and don't look back. Delete his number, and don't let him call you. Don't talk to him anymore. Get rid of his pictures and anything that belongs to him that'll remind you of him. Get out there with your girlfriends and meet people, and eventually you'll find a man who treats you right and you won't have to think about the guy who treats you like dirt. Just remind yourself that you don't need him, and there's no way in hell you're going to fall for it again. You're worth way more than that. ♥

Answer 3

cheating is never a "weak moment" transgression. It's a simple slap in the face, and it says one or more of the following:

"I don't care for you as much as you care for me"

"I don't think you're smart enough to find out"

"You're not fulfilling my needs" <-- not necessarily your fault - some men have 'needs' that can't be fulfilled by one woman.

"I'm using you"

The only thing cheating does not say is "I'm sorry, I love you." Actions always speak FAR louder than words, and you owe it to yourself to end it for good. This relationship is degrading. By allowing yourself to be dragged through the sh*t, you're telling everyone that you don't deserve better. But you do. Everyone does.

Be strong.

Answer 4

Look into the mirror and say to yourself : I am worth commitment. And believe it.
If you make the decision to keep him out of your life for good (because you are worth commitment!) then delete him. From your phone, your email, your i.m.... put away pictures,letters and gifts where you can't see them, and stay away from his favorite places for a while.
When the urge to see him or talk to him strikes, put on fast music and dance- not sexy music, but feel good stuff. It is great exercise and uses up some of the tension and counteracts depression.
Trust must be earned- it takes many actions to earn trust but only one action to lose it. Don't put yourself through the turmoil again- unless you like the pain it causes. Only you can decide.

Answer 5

You need to dump him and try and move on.
sure the "bad boy" always seems to have some appeal to lots of girls but most of the time you end up heart broken.
He's cheated on you more then once, if you stay in this relationship he will probably do it again.
I know it's not easy to break up with someone, but once it's done, sure you will cry for a little while, but then you will pick your self up, spend a bunch of time with friends or doing things you love and eventually time will heal!

best of luck!

Answer 6

Time to enter BA - "Boyfriend anonymous"

First, print out this question, and any answers you get from it, and keep copies by your phone, on your nightstand, by your computer, on your fridge & in your car.

Next, let him know it's over.

Next call the best friend you have and ask her for her help. Spill your guts. Tell her you want to get this schmuck out of your life for good,and you need her help to do it.

Anytime you want to talk to him, you call her, text, text her, e-mail, e-mail her, see him, see her...etc...if she isn't available for some reason - you pick up one of the copies of this question and remind yurself why you have placed yourself into "BA"...

do not answer his calls, change your phone number if you have to, if he comes over - don't answer the door - don't acknowledge his presence.

In time your need to have him in your life will lessen...