After over 19 years with my wife, I finally had an affair. Now I want both my wife AND co-worker. HELP!!!!!?

Question

After our 3rd child, my wife started take anti-depressents / anti-anxiety drugs. This may be why she has absolutely no sex drive. Prior to #3, the sex was good. I do love my wife.

Dear Abbey once said "when there is no passion within the marriage, there will be passion outside the marriage". I haven't been looking for passion outside, but I finally told my wife that if some came my way, I probably would go for it. Well, I did. Now I've got this strong emotional desire for a co-worker. We've been friends for over a year, and the three of us have gone out several times.

My wife left for a 2 month vacation with her family, and my co-worker invited me over, and it happened. And it was GREAT! We sat and talked for about 6 hours one night. I have not had that kind of companionship with a woman since 3 years before I hooked up with my wife. Let me be truthful -- before the sun came up, we knew each other Biblically.

I don't want it to end with my co-worker. What should I do?

Answer 1

Well i dont want to be rude but i dont think you should stay with your wife if your gonna go somewhere else....I think the best thing is too call it quits with your wife! She doesnt deserve you doing this too her and well you dont deserve no sex!

Answer 2

Reconise that the overwhelming emotions you are feeling for your co-worker are the puppy love phase. Never last long enough. But you gave your wife the heads up, she didnt do anything to help you out, its a natural thing to be sexual, but to be denied is alot harder for a man to bear. So completly understandable you had an affair.
If i were you i would continue the affair, but not take it to a relationship level, I in fact would have an affair with someone else as well that way your getting plenty of hot sex, without the commitment. BE CLEAR TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS that its just sex, as you are married, your wife doesnt put out, so its a sex only relationship. If the girls are cool with that, then fine, if shes not tell her no more despite how you feel and find another booty.
All else fails porn is good. but dont go and tell your wife, its her fault for letting it get to this stage, not yours. Woman cant understand this. But the childeren only deserve thier parents to be seperated if there is nothing left in the relationship.

Although on the flip side: She went into depresion, then she needs you. She needs you to be there for her. She needs to ditch the drugs. It will only numb her more. She needs intensive one on one couselling and to be phased off the anti depresion drugs. Once she is off she will getr horny again and youll get your sex back and everyone will be happy, But your wife will be happier cause she wont be going through depression, and when she does feel bad, she will have a healtier tool to feel better, Mind tecniques from a counseller are more powerful than any anit drugs. Cleaner system to, means more horny juices......Go with your sex friend for now, But dont cross your wife off the block just yet dude, there is still hope.

Answer 3

This is a tough situation. If you have been totally honest with your wife and tried to help her in every which way possible and still there is no change then I really can't blame you for eventually looking else where for that attention. Now what I do not feel is right is that it sounds as though this person knows your wife and has even been on a friendly base with her........ that is wrong. If you really want to be intimate with another woman other than your wife then divorce her ........ because regards an affair is never the answer and will always turn into a nightmare somewhere down the road.

Answer 4

Lack of your wife's sex drive can be settled more easily by having small, meaningless affairs (with good protection!). How did she react when you said that you might be seeking for htat passion outside your marriage? If she understood, I'm sure that she wants you to have sex only with someone else, not a relationship.

Without being judgemental, it's hard to have a relationship with another person. It may start out as friends with benefits outside of your marriage, but sooner or later she might want more (assuming that she's totally single and available) and it's going to get very difficult seeing as how you probably won't want to leave your wife at all. This might make things difficult for you in your working environment.

Is there anything that can happen for you sexually with your wife that would make you happy? A low sex drive on her end doesn't necessarily mean that sex for the two of you has to end. It may mean that she doesn't get satisfied when you have sex--so maybe you can use lubricants with her. Or if she's just too tired to be involved, maybe you could watch porn and masturbate in front of her. Is she into oral? Because even if she's not in the mood, her mouth is ALWAYS lubricated, and she might be willing to do that as a way to keep you away from this co-worker.

I understand that things are hard. But it will only get harder if you continue the relationship with the co-worker. Again, I AM NOT JUDGING WHAT YOU DID, I just want to make sure you're not biting off more than you can chew.

Answer 5

No offense but if you truly loved your wife this would never of happened. Heres your wife on medication for being depressed and now you decide you want a co-worker, hmmm just wondering how you expect your wife to take the news. you have children together and yet you still felt compelled to do this. And that crap about I told her if it ever came my way.... what is that insurance? It was wrong in many ways I say either tell the co-woreder its over and no you cant be just friends either, and come clean with your wife. But if your not man enough to tell her then maybe you should just leave and tell her you think shed be much happier with another life, heck maybe your the reason she needs the drugs. You are wrong there are no excuses.

Answer 6

It's funny that you said "after 19 years, I FINALLY had an affair" - like you should get bonus points for holding out so long.

It sounds like you're looking for validation - WE aren't the ones that can give it to you. If you feel that what you did was right, then come clean to your wife and deal with the circumstances. Really, either way you need to come clean. You fathered 3 children - no excuse to stop being a man NOW.

Better prepare yourself for reality, though. Affairs are by nature exciting and passionate because they are forbidden. If you choose a life with this woman, your relationship will no longer be an affair, and will become subject to the same day to day monotomy of your marriage. Plus, you'll have the step-family and split household issues to deal with. Is it worth it? Only you can say.

Answer 7

Start saving now for the Alimony and/or child support you are going to get hit with!

Honestly, divorce ruins your life.... You can't have your cake & eat it too. What do you think life will be like w/o your wife & only seeing your kids everyother weekend? What is going to happen is that the newness of this fling will wear off and your relationship w/girlfriend will get boring or turn sour. Then what do you have? You're all alone, your wife will move on because she had to, your 3 kids will be hurt and resentful....

It may be fun and exciting right now, but you have to end it. There is too much to lose and too many people will get hurt. You have a responsibility to your kids!!! If your wife's sex drive is zero, you need to talk to her and her Dr. and see what can be done. Maybe she needs to see a counselor to help with both issues.

Either way, don't emotionally or physically bail on your wife right now. It won't benefit anyone.

Answer 8

Sir, you are catching a lot of heat because of this question. I normally don't have a lot of patience for people that go outside their marriage, but you are in a very difficult position and I think people should really think about what they would do if they were in your situation.

This is not about sex. so many people get all bothered by the fact that men are just going outside of their marriage because they have some discusting need for sex. As you explained, it wasn't so much about sex as it was just to talk to someone into the wee hours and feel like somebody WANTED to spend time with you. I would guess, you could have ended it without sex and almost been as satisfied with the experience.

Men, as much as women, want to feel desired and needed. They want to feel like someone could stay up all night talking with them simply because they wanted to.

You've taken this seriously, you talked it over with your wife. You held off for a long time, you told her what you needed and waited and what else can you be expected to do.

Yes, you should be committed to your marriage, you promised to in good and bad. That doesn't mean you have to put up with bad endlessly. Those vows are meant to imply when things are bad...externally (money, situations, stress). There are also vows, to love and cherish. What happens if she stops loving and cherishing...doesn't that mean she hasn't followed her vows either? Cherish is the key to this one. Not sex, not love....Cherish.

Can't even get counceling at this point because you've already expressed your wants and desires and they went unfulfilled.

Your choice, sir, divorce and follow some happiness and take care of yourself for a change. Or try to work it out with your wife and never see that women again. I say take some time and be truthful with everyone involved...don't be hasty...and then just follow your heart. I don't think there is a dignified solution at this point..just a choice and then don't look back.

Answer 9

You have serious problem my friend!
you have now just let your tally wacker lead you down the wrong road.
what about your three kids?
What about help for your wife?
why did she start using? anti depressants/ anti anxiety?
why what made her like that? does she have a doctor?
what about your vows?
What should you do? I gave you a list! try working on those for the next twenty five years and the co worker will be long gone and your kid will be grown, the wife will be well.
and you will be just about ready for a rocker and fitted for depends.
I really dont care if you give me ten points or not!

Answer 10

You cannot legally be with both women. You have it sweet right now, but I don't know what you'll do when your wife returns. I guess it depends on how important this new relationship is to you. Is the sex worth it? (I can't believe I just asked that question!) Is her companionship worth it? Can you realistically see yourself with her for the rest of your life? Will you feel guilty for leaving your wife? Is this a fling or the real thing? Lots of questions. Only you can answer them.

Good luck!

Answer 11

Let it go and you should feel like dirt, deep in the ground infested with insects and dog crap. You are willing to break up your home and seperate your self from your children, all because you had an affair. Women will only tell you what you want to hear and your wife will only tell you the truth. You do not know that woman biblically, she only told you what you wanted to hear. Do you know if this is her first affair? Have you tried having a stimulating conversation with your wife. What have you done to bring your wife sex drive back, besides complain? Do you help take care of the children, you should.