I have lived with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. He has a 4 year old son who is only with us part time, but the son seems to be exhibiting some emotional problems. Huge tantrums for hours, kicking, hitting etc and moody when not throwing tantrums. My boyfriend sometimes tries to put the responsibility on me because he can't deal. Mind you he's a good dad otherwise. Plus, I really like the kid and he likes me. I do love my boyfriend, but someone I know who I trust told me that I'm young and should really reevaluate my situation and move out. I am very frustated, tired and overwhelmed. I am new at this so, forgeive me parents. I'm just being honest and want what's best for all.
2007-06-28 12:27:17 · 13 answers · asked by OurLadyOf Perpetual Indulgence 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The child needs discipline and if your boyfriend puts it off on you then hes not entirely being a good dad. I know you love your boyfriend and the kid but this is not your child, and you are too young. Best believe if the shoe was on the other foot he would have given you his opinion and if he really couldn't handle it he would be gone. Tell him very serious and in a stern way that his son is effecting the relationship by his tantrums, his lack of discipline, and him putting the boy off on you. Also let him know that you don't have any children and he is taking his responsibility and making it yours and its not fare to you. Tell him and don't be scared that if this situation doesn't change your moving, better to tell him now then later so when your ready to move he won't be shocked.
2007-06-28 12:41:21 · answer #1 · answered by A Friend 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is difficult. Let's look at what the child needs. Consistancy and boundries. If you feel you can provide that then that's what he needs.
Young children want to know how they should behave and they look to parents to find out. If they don't know, then they will push things until they reach the boundry. it's the only way they can find out.
You are in a difficult situation. Clearly the child will want to know if you are going to be around and be a parent. having only been in the home for 3 months, that not a certainty.
I would say, if you really want to jump into it and believe you are in this for the long run, then you have to jump in and parent the child.
However, you are not obligated to be a parent to this child. Try to look at it from the perspective of the child. They don't know all of the adult factors in the relationship. They just want to know what's in it for them...and that what 4 year-old children should be like.
You may decide to stay in the relationship, but live seperately or stay in the home and be a parent...or break up completely and decide that it wasn't the right thing at all.
2007-06-28 12:38:15 · answer #2 · answered by ∞ sky3000 ∞ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are in luck I have a 4 year old soon to be 5. They are full of energy, questions, impatient, temper tantrums, whining, crying. laughing, begging etc. They can go from one extreme to the other quickly. It is a little easier when it is your own child. I know from watching family and friend's children for them. I am sure it is overwhelming for you and your boyfriend should not be putting his child off on you to act as the parent. That is immature of him. If you are not sure this is what you want for your future than you might at the very least want to try a trial separation. Just let the boyfriend that you need a break due to the extra responsibility he has tried to pawn off on you.
2007-06-28 12:39:39 · answer #3 · answered by Tarheel mom 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, he's always going to be a dad, so he's never going to be able to walk away from this child. It's hard to tell from your short description whether or not you are dealing with a kid who is spoiled rotten and needs discipline, or whether you're dealing with a child with emotional issues. Also, you didn't mention your age, which might also be a factor.
Either way, if you've never been a parent, it's extremely tough to be plopped in the middle of a highly stressful situation with a stressed kid (either behaviorly or emotionally, he's still stressed). I mean, your boyfriend's his FATHER and he can't take it -- how can you, who are only dad's gf, be expected to have the emotional fortitude to deal with it?
Are you able to talk to his ex to see if she can make any suggestions for dealing with this behavior? Has he always been this way -- or just since you moved in? (Theory: He might be resenting sharing you with his dad, if it's a recent development.) Lots of unanswered questions, and without any experience, you're in a difficult spot because you're not even sure what questions to ask!
Good luck.
2007-06-28 12:38:24 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, how old ARE you? In this situation, there's no "right" or "wrong" answer - regardless of age. It is a choice that, ultimately, you make for yourself. Do you have what it takes to be a mom to someone else's child and to love this child unconditionally? Not everyone is prepared or is willing to make such a commitment, and it's ok to bow out if you feel this isn't for you. This child is going to be in your life for as long as you are with his father; picture another year, two years, ten years of this - how do you feel about it? Does it feel "right", or do you think it's not something you want to deal with day in and day out? For me personally, kids from past relationships have always been a deal-breaker; I've never had the slightest desire to play mother, never even dated a guy with kids. But it's different for everyone.
2007-06-28 12:37:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think a lot of kids do this one way or another and you need to be firm have a set of rules for dealing with this eg. put the child in his room until he settles than deal with him, remember he's only 4, alternately take away his focus when the tantrums start and walk away and ignore him completely, hard to do I know. but what ever way be constant and firm. You need to have your partners support and you need to stick together. He will settle down when he realises nobody is paying attention. just dont show him he is getting to you
2007-06-28 13:44:10 · answer #6 · answered by yarrendoe 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just so you are aware, what the child is doing is not a sign of emotional problems - he is being a typical 4 year old trying to exurt his independence, and he has found that tantrums get to his dad, so he gets his way.
if being a step-mom this early in your life is too much for you, it's understandable - and you should walk away before it gets too late.
2007-06-28 12:37:05 · answer #7 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Moodiness is one thing but the tantrums have to stop, what you just described is a out of control child.
sounds like there is a total lack of discipline and responsibility coming from your boyfriend,
I think you should leave until he can control his child and be a MAN
2007-06-28 12:36:56 · answer #8 · answered by Skotch G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, decide if your willing to commit to this situation.......
Then, if you decide your ready to "go to war" and get his son into shape in could be a number of things. The fact that his mother and father are not together could play a psychological role in this. However, it could be chemical (medicine) and he may need to see a doctor. Most likely, he's just being a four year old boy who requires a lot of attention (sports, homework, hugs & kisses, etc.) THIS WILL TAKE WORK and children deserve it you have to decide if your the one.
2007-06-28 12:37:40 · answer #9 · answered by Mimi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've seen this situation before. All children push things to see what they will be allowed to get away with. In a split family, one parent may be more liberal than the other. The child is confused. You need to set the boundries and stick to them. If your boyfrind supports your boundries and enforces them with the child, good. If not, get out!
2007-06-28 12:33:38 · answer #10 · answered by Bill G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋