Is it my fault my husband rather have porn?

Question

My husband is suppose to be a Christian. I knew he had wondering eyes for years but he always act in front of people he loved me so much and like a love machine. But I always had to cry and beg for his affections. I even accepted his impotenecy but could have worked around this. I love and miss him dearly but he has turned to porn of all sorts. We almost divorce two or three times as he continues but promises to quit. Now he is smoking and had a drinking/drug binge a few months ago. I feel like he doesn't love me as he changes from I think I do, I don't and now I do. I feel like a daisy he loves me, he loves me not. His parents told me, don't throw away those divorce papers just yet. Even seem interested in introducing him to someone else and say they are praying God sends me someone else. I am still married, so no thanks. I want this to work but can he really love me and hurt me this way. He lies until he is so caught. I felt if I were just???? he would be different? 13 years hurts.

Answer 1

Your husband has severe addiction problems. Until those are addressed, you'll be living like this. Good luck.

Answer 2

Poor thing, I know it hurts, but the truth of the matter is, you're husband seems to be changing right in front of your eyes, when u say he is watching porn, is this only sometimes, if so please don't stress yourself out, this is normal in men, hey I watch pornos sometimes, and I'm a normal heterosexual, in a relationship, but anyway, you said even his parents are telling u, you should leave, that's serious, look within yourself, and see whats stopping u, fear of being alone, fear of feeling like a failure, cause your marriage did not work, this are all classic symptoms of someone going through this, but just remember, u come first and if your begging and crying for affection, there is definitely something wrong with this picture. Honey like Miranda said in Sex in the City, "He's just not that into you", seek counseling together or move on. Good Luck!

Answer 3

You need to seek counseling for yourself first. You need to understand that you are in no way the fault of this, or the reasons for it. It just happens to some people. Then if you can't get him to go with you go alone. If he isn't willing to fix the problem then there may not be any help in saving the marriage. If he is always changing how he feels about you then maybe he is confused. The drinking/drugs is a big cause for concern. I woudl sit back and think long and hard about whether you want to continue the next 13 years in this relationship.

Answer 4

OK, First of all, Porn is a sin. very horrible sins, called lust and adultery.

A Christian husband as well as any other husband is supposed to honor his wife and to treat his wife as he would treat God. That is the true definition of love. When someone loves you, they show you by respecting you in public and in private. You should not have to beg for his affection. He should want to give it to you all the time.

Have you thought that maybe his impotency has something to do with his addiction to porn. I have heard it many times that both things are sometimes connected.

I would suggest for you not to take your in laws advice about finding someone else. That is also adultery since you are still married. I think you have the right to leave your husband and divorce him. I think any pastor would agree. God doesn't want you to go through this pain. If you love him and he is willing to get help maybe you can try a marriage counselor to help heal the scars and a counselor for your husband to help him with his addiction. But again that is only if you feel he is serious about getting help!

if not, hunny don't feel guilty about divorcing him. Don't put yourself through more years of pain. Pray and ask God to guide you in the direction you should go. Look for him and follow only him. Don't lose your faith in God.

Answer 5

2 words... profession help!

nothing but a professional can help him. He is a porn addict. You may have done something to bore him or not please him, but he should have told you and given you a chance to change. I don't think you did anything wrong and even if you did, it's his problem now.

Honestly you need to move on. I think that his porn addiction qualifies as cheating if he denies you. I like porn myself on occasion when shared with my partner, but this is tooooo much!

I doubt you can survive this. At least move out and start over and wait for him to change, but do so from a distant, unconnected place in your head. Don't ask about him, don't talk to him... when he is better and has a year or two of a changed life under his belt then go to counseling with him and see if a new marriage is workable.

You seem very nice and deserve a good life. No one will give it to you you have to take it.

Answer 6

First of all, it's not you. He needs help. Porn can become an addiction that warps people's minds and changes the way they view women and sex. I've seen it destroy many marriages.

However, this IS fixable. Get him into counseling. Many people don't realize porn is an actual addiction that can lead to other things (like the drugs/drinking). If he promises to quit then he knows it's a problem and should be willing to help.

In addition, you also say you are Christian. If you go to church, I suggest talking to your minister. Sometimes they have excellent resources for couples dealing with this. Or, they may have recommendations for a Christian therapist.

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

I'm sorry you're going through this. You may have to move on if you have a heart to heart with him about it and he goes back to doing the same thing. If it was just that he's watching porn a lot, I'd say why not suggest watching it with him? Men seem to appreciate that and it often gives a new oomph to your intimacy! But since it seems to be a lot of things, and he seems so conflicted, I say you have a very serious and calm talk with him and if you really feel it can't be resolved, move on. Good luck!

Answer 8

I have come upon a theory that especially religious men are affected by porn because of their (sometimes) twisted womanliness ideal:
They sometimes have their religious ideal of women being "angels", and want to "bridge" their not accepting that real life women do sometimes show their sexual desires very actively by watching porn.
The weblink below is a good source of information - although not in a perfect English ...

Answer 9

Impotency & porn hmmm.
Sounds like he has issues to work out.
I think thing would work better if you stop judging him and maybe get him and you seperate counselors. Both of you need to learn to be more tolerable.
If God is the only one who has a right to judge, then why are you judging.

Answer 10

Change the word PORN to baseball, if baseball was coming between you ayone would tell you to get into and and share it with him. Why should PORN be any different?

He may have turned to it out of shame with the impotency or an inability to talk about some needs he feels that he can't express to you. You may find he has some really neat and fun ideas just bottled up that he would love for you to be a part of. The sexiest thing about a wife I've been with for 17 years is attitude, some days its not there but when it is I can't imagine anyone else.

Answer 11

Gosh, I know what you're going through, and I wish I could make this easier on you, but no one can. I know 13 years hurts, and hurts bad....but do you know what hurts worse? 26 years or more.
26 years later when it STILL hasn't changed, and you have spent your whole life waiting on this person to change to "save your marriage". What about saving YOURSELF? I know this is going to sound cold. It did to me too when someone said it to me, but when I GOT it, I got it. You have to value YOURSELF, your own peace of mind, and your own well-being and love yourself as much as you love this lying man if you want change. Change, My friend, begins with you. Sometimes things DON'T work out. Because they're not supposed to. Because it's in our own better interest. We have to learn how to inforce boundaries upon people and show that we're willing to step up and take care of US. God forgives when things don't work out, ya know? Because things beyond our control happen. We only have control over ourselves not other people. You cannot make this man want to do better. You cannot make him care as much as you do about the marriage. You cannot make him be honest, or loyal, or affectionate toward you. Gosh that was a hard lesson for me to learn. You need to move on Sweetheart, and if he's smart, he'll see it happening and move before it's too late, but you cannot worry about that. Start focusing on you and what's best for you and what's going to change this for you. Find friends. Go do your own thing. I guarantee you he will notice. Because you're not DYING without him anymore, or begging anymore. But just a word to the wise from someone that's been there....DON'T wait until you gave up your entire life for someone that does not care one iota what you feel. For every moment you stay in that with him, YOU, yes YOU cheat yourself out of a moment with that someone that WOULD care about you, cherish you, and love you, and MORE than notice you. The question is not what is HE going to do...it's what are YOU going to do? Find the strength to do what you KNOW in your heart has to be done.