As I sit here,
Next to the hospital bed,
I'm waiting for you to wake up.
But I know you won’t wake up.
Well, at least not with the love
That you had for me before.
I can live without you being alive.
But I can’t live without you being dead.
I cant wait no more.
I’m going home
And taking the fault of your suicidal death.
I’ll pull the trigger of my own gun,
Not knowing that you live or not.
2007-06-28 08:56:41 · 8 answers · asked by Ashley M 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Get help.
2007-06-28 09:01:19 · answer #1 · answered by magix151 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hmmm Ashley,
I think you may have a workable idea here. You had me all the way to "I can live without you being alive". I really liked:
I'm waiting for you to wake up.
But I know you won’t wake up.
Since it was going so smoothly I thought the "But I can't live without you being dead" was going to be the climax of the poem. I don't know if I'm making sense but I feel this is the line where your theme really needs to pop. I think you need to spend some time thinking about the poem right at this point and find a more interesting conclusion.
Line 9: change the word "no" to the word "any".
The last three lines need to be rewritten they just seem a little too pat to me. If you revise line 8 well it may suggest a stronger ending.
Like I said, I think this has promise, but I think it is just missing the mark on that key line and the conclusion. Spend some time there and I think it could be made much stronger.
My honest opinion.
2007-06-28 17:19:57 · answer #2 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The poem is all right. Not great (as I believe that you could some things to improve it), but not poor, either. Some of the lines seem a bit out of place, as if they break the flow. (Not sure if that is intentional or not).
2007-06-28 16:10:24 · answer #3 · answered by Byu 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is i no you cant trust me but I'm also a poet i write at lest 3 poems a day so yeah i love it I'm in to dark poetry though.
2007-06-28 16:04:45 · answer #4 · answered by Katie C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its o.k not great but there is room for improvement maybe just word it differently in poetry every word counts it can change the whole perspective
2007-06-28 16:04:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW thats amazing i think you got talent and your speaking your mind and also dreaming it seems like in this poem. that is wonderful keep it up
2007-06-28 16:09:15 · answer #6 · answered by cutegrl1010 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ummmmmmmmmmm........... It was good but you may want to seek some help or something.
2007-06-28 17:52:58 · answer #7 · answered by Rainging Angels 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its ok. not the best but its not bad. =]
2007-06-28 16:06:50 · answer #8 · answered by prettyscene 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋