What do you think?

Question

It would mean a lot to me to hear some feedback on this. What does it mean to you? Are the words effective? How does it make you feel? Thank you!

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Wasting time creating lies in drops of solid Earth and sky
So we can swim and sigh inside all these little things.

Ears and eyes turn back inside because they thought they heard a cry
From those who never seemed alive and surely could not sing.

Whispered noises giving choices no longer cast aside as voices
They say the life you thought was yours in many ways is not.

Another child reconciled when death certificate is filed
His body shell is buried deep as he becomes a god.

God?

The greatest lie is you and I the individual
We share (but we are unaware) of where we hide the soul
The single mind only divides and opens at your birth
For every thing and living being is taken from the Earth

Answer 1

This shows real promise. Forget the rules. I like to meander down a winding road.

Answer 2

Michael I liked this. I found it thought-provoking. I'm still not entirely sure what some of it means.

The only line that I had real trouble with was:

Another child reconciled when death certificate is filed

The death certificate being filled part felt out of place to me. It felt like reading a shakesperian sonnet and coming across the word "submarine". It pulled me out of the poem.

I also puzzled over your first line but I put that down to me needing to better understand the poem. It isn't necessarily a flaw. I'm just trying to figure out what these lies are we create in drops of solid Earth and sky.

Thanks for writing.

Answer 3

it resonates potential to me, not the poems potential ,my own potential. It shifts and stirs, quietly delights..

The shock of the death certificate inserting is itself onto the soft floating poetic cloud you have created is not necessarily out of place. It is in line and supporting the reality of "the solid earth and sky" of the first line. It makes me think of the planes of memory, and garden terraces where we plant and cultivate our precious gilded past.

"Where we hide the soul" "We share" " The greatest lie"
There is a profound truth here and the answer lies in your last line. "Taken from "........and returned.

Poetry expressing the philosophical muse is a virtuous aspiration.

I like very much " the single mind that divides and opens at my/your birth". Life as " being taken" transported from the earth to the shores of my imagination is somehow comforting to this old atheists heart. You have done well No irking blood of the body aftertaste for me.

Answer 4

First off. I like the actual poem, it was thought provoking and
similar to alot of my stuff, (topic wise, i write in a non rhyming verse) but i think it needs a bit of work, though it flowed pretty well, it was basicly a bunch of couplets stuck together, and wih execption of the last part none of it really had anything todo with the rest of it... but good work! i still liked it.

Answer 5

I don't like it. It seems to say to me that life is a lie. It makes me sad to think that you feel this way. Sorry.

Answer 6

It's interesting. It makes me think.

Answer 7

r u saying God is not real? he most certainly is. u r just comfused ... majorly confused