Looking for some feedback on lyrics before I debut this at a local piano bar. To the tune of "Do-Re-Mi" -SOUND OF MUSIC.
(Spoken)
A song about the loves I have known ...
(Sung)
I'll start at the very beginning,
A very good place to start
At first, it was only Joe and me ...
Joe and me ...
And what a night it happened to be ...
Joe and me
(Spoken)
Then there was Ray and Phil and Bo and ...
Wait, let me make this easier!
(Sings)
Joe, a dear
But he was queer
For Ray, the Baptist preacher's son
Me, alone, left by myself
Til Phil, a convict on the run
Then Bo, who tied me to the bed
And ... (shrugs) the guy who followed Bo
The twins, who sandwiched me like bread
Still, I'm pining so for Joe ... oh, oh, oh ...
(Repeat)
(c) 2007 WR Garrity
What do you think?
2007-06-28 06:25:44 · 19 answers · asked by whitney g 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Wish I'd been a fly on the wall.
If your voice is ok. You may only get a bar stool or two thrown at you. Otherwise ware a rain coat to keep the beer off you clothes.
Sorry, it just does cut it.
edit: Oops. My sarcasm is showing again. I am sorry if I offened you, and of late my typing and proofing has not been the best. Reread the last line before the edit. Some times I am to obtuse for my own good.
What I was trying to say was that it made the cut.
Sorry. Public appology I hope accepted? Now where is that darn electronic fly swatter, pesky flys.
2007-06-28 06:33:00 · answer #1 · answered by .*. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"At first it was only... " is a little arhythmic
How about :::::: The first blow was only Joe and me
but then what a night it happened to be...
instead of 'blow', you could use 'round' or 'roll'
Also,
Are you putting the FOR in front of Ray to say that Joe was "queer for Ray"?? That sounds Brit; kind of rare if N. Amer. Eng.
Maybe we'd say "queer on Ray"
Baptist is kind of hard to sing. You could use another two syllable word like "a TV preacher's son"
Also, "left by myself" is harder to sing than "all by myself..."
The rest is fine., unless you're not happy with the "shrugs" part and want a word there, get back to me.
'pining' is rather elegant vocabulary.
Overall it will be great! Fun idea!
2007-06-28 07:22:57 · answer #2 · answered by topink 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should go back and rewrite the first 2 stanzas I think there called {"paragraphs"}. There not horrible but they could be better. Don't put its killing me at the end of because real life is finally better then me dreams. Although it sounds good when you 1st read it when you go back it sounds like your saying my life is better then my dreams because of you and that's killing me. So that kinda sounds like an insult. Besides that I really like the last 2. She'll probably love it.
2016-04-01 09:04:29 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Great - fun - peppy - AND my husband's name is Joe!
I honestly wish I could hear it at the bar! Good luck - I am sure it will be a hit!
2007-06-28 07:11:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's really good, I especially liked the part about the twin sandwich, lol
2007-06-28 06:30:15 · answer #5 · answered by TRACER ™ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a hard time hearing music in my head... but I think those are good lyrics. Keep up the good work! ;D
2007-06-28 06:30:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I thinks it's very cute.
Tied to the bed, huh. twins who sandwiched,
Yeah I like it.
2007-06-28 06:40:14 · answer #7 · answered by ron s 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It works for me...funny for a piano bar...very good job.
2007-06-28 06:39:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Funny, Campy, Loved it!
2007-06-28 07:10:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ROFL, you'd make a dandy Julie Andrews :-P
2007-06-28 06:32:43 · answer #10 · answered by Gaymes Last Orchestra 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋