I just wrote this..want your opinions? I just moved to Canada with my loved one and we are trying to connect.?

Question

You have a life
I have none
Except for the one
With you.

You have a family
I have none
Except for the one
I knew

Starting over ain't easy
I wonder what you'd do
And if some way, some how
Could I make it easy for you?


Could I understand your dreams
If you cried in the night
Or if you begged for understanding
And prayed for just a light

It's not the cold or the weather
Whether or not I stay
It's just that I need to make it
And see the light of day

So give me just a chance
To only be myself
Let's put the past behind us
Let's place it on a shelf


And everynow and then
We'll pull it off and look
We'll read it carefully and then
Close the cover on the book

I moved up here after Hurricane Katrina..lost everything I knew. So have been kinda lost.

Answer 1

that was a wonderful poem. I literally was waiting for the next line. Keep it up you could be famous

Answer 2

I think this poem is, well really good, though there are some parts that "feel odd" and probably just need rewording. Especially the last line , i like the line but it feels like it doesn't belong with its set, and its not every really a good idea to bring a new mental image into a poem in the last line or verse of a poem unless you "close" it off, understand? Maybe you should expand that last line into another whole set and use it as the closing set. But beside those few things its a very interesting poem with great potential

Answer 3

there are 2 different types of poems

1 - is an outpouring of my emotions, it's like therapy - it's more for my own personal expression - or outpouring of feelings - these really are not poems, this is not what I send to be published, people don't want to read this stuff, and I don't ask them to anymore. But I still do this kind of thing. FOR ME. Most of the poems you see out there on Poetry.com and Yahoo answers are this type of poem, and they really should keep them to themselves.

2) the poems where I am an observer, like I'm taking a picture to capture a moment but instead of using camera and film I use words. This is the kind of poem that I send for publication. I remember one I published - it was as if I was standing in the back of the auction gallery and I was looking at the face of the man whose collection was for sale, and I tried to capture the emotion on his face but using words. That's what I mean.

or what does a conflict between two people look like - that moment, etc. remember you are taking a picture.

I'm sure you are referring to #1 in your expression.

I wrote a #1 poem about the sexual assault of a close friend. I tried to publish it, but it was too intense for them, and I never tried to publish another poem like this again. But it was good for ME to write it, and I'm glad I did.

See what I mean?

Answer 4

i thought it was kinda mediocre too, there wasn't anything that i would say is wrong with it, but it just didn't really do anything for me. i just didn't feel very connected to your subject, i think you just have to dig extra deep to portray something. if you do that, then you could have a very good poem, as there is nothing technically wrong.

Answer 5

Lovely poem, very lovely, I liked it.

Answer 6

Your poem has good rythm I like it alot. and very nicely put too.

Answer 7

this is a good poem. Good job!

Answer 8

honestly this may sound mean...

but I thought it was mediocre...

but it might mean something to your loved one.