What would you do in my situation?

Question

I've been with my husband 17 years and it has become obvious lately that our lives have taken different directions. It's not that I'm bored or that I dislike him and I'm not unhappy, but I wouldn't say I'm mind blowingly happy either.
We do try to do stuff together like he comes to the Gym with me although he doesn't really enjoy working out, that is my passion, and I will go to football matches with him, which is OK but I can't help wishing I was somewhere else doing soemthing more interesting. I'm not really looking for anyone else but I have recently decided to start pursuing stuff that I'm interested in like body building and going out meeting people. He has told me categorically that he will divorce me if I get big and muscly but that doesn't really hold any fear for me and it's what I want to do. For now I'm happy with the status quo but can't help feeling there is something missing in my life somewhere. What would you do?

Would you just keep going the way things are and see how things turn out or would you jump ship now and give us both a chance to make something else of our lives?

We're going to Las Vegas together on Sunday. This is something we are both looking forward to, but I would be equally happy going on my own or with a friend.

We've both cheated in the past but it's something we got through and we're still together although that did change the relationship.

We have kids.

The 2 eldest are from a previous abusive marriage and they are both grown up only the youngest who is now 16 is my husbands son.

No he's not abusive or an alcoholic. he does gamble alot but only gambles peanuts. He doesn't do drugs. He has a job as do I.

I'll reiterate I'm not bored. I have my life he has his.

I KNOW the grass isn't greener on the other side of the dating fence. Been there, seen that, bought the T shirt, wore it a few times. It faded in the wash.

Can't help thinking though that he's be better off with someone else who really appreciates him for the great guy he is.

Answer 1

I got the divorce, but I miss him sometimes. I would be careful with this choice and take your time, DON'T react to anything anyone tells you one here though. Then you will surely regret that. Take care and good luck.

Answer 2

I think you've been together long enough to work your problems out without the likes of Jeremy Kyle or the people on here. I agree it is important to fulfil your ambitions and dreams but I think fitness is better than being all muscly and I don't think you always have to fulfil dreams together. You don't want to make yourself unattractive to him, on the otherhand you enjoy keeping fit, so compromise, that's what it's about!

You say that you mainly get on alright, just you both like different things, but perhaps you need to do more things together of which you both want to do. Can you not make lists of things you both want to achieve and then compare them and see if there are any you can prioritise?

Perhaps you seek more spontantity and are feeling your age, and I think you are worrying a little you are no longer attractive as you were seventeen years ago. Perhaps you and him need to introduce surprise into your relationship?

He likes you as you are, but working out is making you feel good so a compromise is needed. I think the odd unexpected sexual surprise from him to you and you to him wouldn't go a miss. But it mustn't become routine. When least expected.

Having affairs are not good ideas for the reason partly you mention answering another question and because there are issues of trust and betrayal. And whys. Both of you should be loyal to each other and your vows and if not then divorce and see other people. Whilst you make commitment to one another, cheating is silly and damaging.

With women, the man has to keep up the attraction to a woman and he has to be spontaneous and surprising and not run around all the time. Very hard to do, probably why I'm single LOL.

Answer 3

Starting over can be really exciting as you experience new things, find things in common, go on many new adventures. At the same time it's also tedious. After so long you two know each other and are able to communicate and share without misunderstanding and conflicts. Starting over gets you going through all those trials again. What also starts over would the need to tell all the same stories again as you get to know one another. In the end the adventure dies and you end up in pretty much the same situation only with different issues than you have at the moment.

There are two other realities as well to consider.

One is that happiness comes from within. Far too many people, men and women alike, seem to rely upon their spouses to give them happiness and excitement never realizing that they have to create their own excitement and happiness by appreciating what they do have and by being creative about other new things to do.

The other reality is that you can't have it all, ever. Life just isn't like in the fairy tales. Sure there are men out there who would likely want to share in more of your interests and perhaps address some of your other needs that remain unfulfilled, but in return there will be other things that they won't do for you. Usually life doesn't really get a lot better, if there is an improvement it's usually just marginal. The challenge for us is usually more to answer the question of whether we are happy enough as opposed to whether we are happy. If the answer to that is no, perhaps in that case it might be worthwhile to start a new life keeping in mind though that this new life could end up worse than the one you already have.

Personally I would remain assuming that I am at least content and relatively happy. I have been married about twenty years and I can feel for you, the youthful excitement has gone and life is mostly just a routine. We do share a number of things like travel, the theatre, concerts and so forth. We also have a lot of separate interests that we tend to pursue independently for the most part.

I get a lot out of my interests which I often pursue with a relentless passion and she tends to be the same. We share our interests to the extent that I show her what I have done and she tells me what she's accomplished. We sometimes will give each other advice too.

Basically the relationship addresses the basic needs for companionship and and sharing in life's challenges and joys. Our independent interests address our need for challenge and growth. Together this creates an atmosphere in which we are content, sometimes happy, and fulfilled to a degree. Recognizing how long it would take to get to this level again and that it won't necessarily be any better, I think the lesser risk and more prudent course of action is to accept that I can't have it all and simply appreciate that which I have.

As a philosophy that has worked well for me for decades. As long as we belabour that which we don't have or would like to have, we really remain unaware of the blessings we do have and we really don't pursue those blessings. By appreciating the blessings we do have we are able to pursue them and have a happier life while not worrying too much about what is missing.

Beyond that the only other thing I could suggest is to try to develop new mutual interests. As you set out to explore the world a little now I'm sure you'll encounter some things your spouse might also like. If you try to introduce him to those that would at least allow the two of you to share a little more in each other's lives.

I hope that helps a little. Good Luck.

Answer 4

I think for personal reasons I would never get a divorce (if that is the question) but I know that not everyone shares my religious views.
so....I guess since your asking that you are considering getting a divorce. Maybe you should talk to him. Also, I would be really sure before I did anything Brash. You guys have been together for a long time and maybe it's Rocky now but if you have always been happy then I think stay, and stick it out for a while to see if it gets better. However if he is trying to hold you back from living out your passion then maybe he doesn't really care about you enough. I don't really know it's hard to say with out more information. In the end it is your decision anyway. Just make sure you don't make a big mistake.

Answer 5

I guess the first queston would be do you have children togther? If so then you need to think about what is best for them. If not......then i say do what makes you happy. If being with your husband isn't what you want any more why prolong things making each other unhappy or maybe even miserable. Just keep in mind though that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You may leave your husband just to realize he's exactly what youve been missing and him not want to give you another chance...... Good luck with your decision!

Answer 6

Life is to short to wait and see what happens. Do you honestly think things could or will get better? I think you know the answer to that one.
You seem to know what you want out of life so why not go for it. There is no sin in growing apart this happens to many couples. Some just stay together because it's the easiest way forward.
You have nothing to loose but everything to gain, live a little and do what makes you happy.
Good luck.

Answer 7

if i was you i would go on this holiday and see if there is still something there between you both. you obviously have a passion for bodybuilding going the gym etc.. and if he could just turn around and say if you get big and muscly that he will divorce you then to me he is looking for an excuse anyway. what if you stopped working out and went big and fat would he divorce you then as well see where i am coming from. as i have said go to Vegas and see what happens if you still feel the same i would jump ship you only get one life and that's for living. good luck.

Answer 8

Do you still love him? Do you guys do anything romantic? or are you just like roommates? If there's still a spark, work on it. You sound almost like you've already made up your mind to some extent that you are going to do what you want, and he's no longer someone whose opionion really matters to you. It does sound like something is missing in your life, but I don't know that leaving your husband will be a cure-all. Before you consider breaking up your marriage, go to a marriage counsellor. It made a huge difference in my best friend's marriage, which was about to break up, due to boredom. I mean you've put 17 years of your life into it, it's worth trying to save. And remember, it's ok if you have different interests, but you have to be interested in each other.

Answer 9

I think you should make a new life for yourself. He doesn't sound very supportive and not very intelligent for that matter.

I would kill for a wife who was a body builder. Does your hubby know that your testosterone goes through the roof when you do mass building exercises? Your sex drive will be in high gear... what is he thinking?

My wife and I are experiencing the same divergence in lifestyle and I think that I am just prolonging the inevitable by waiting.

I can hear it in your tone, anyway... you've already made your decision and are just having a hard time letting go. Trust me, I understand.

I doubt you will have a hard time finding a soul-mate. You have a very healthy outlook and lifestyle. That is always attractive!

Answer 10

Do you love your husband? does he love you? if you love him then there is still something to fight for if not is it worth holding on to> If you feel something is missing tell him what you want and how you feel, do you think he feels the same way as u do? maybe a good heart to heart is all thats needed tho i suspect your feelings for him have withered a bit just by wot u say etc? sorry if im wrong but maybe if the love has gone you should have a break to see how you both feel maybe your relationship will improve and maybe u will both realise u get on better apart and just good friends? although u dont have to part to pursue your ambitions u can just tell him its wot u want if he loves u surley he would rather have u with him and happy?

Answer 11

you can't keep going on with the way things are right now. they may not be horrible at the present time but if it goes on with no effort to improve it, it's only going to get worse. You will start to grow even farther apart. 17 years is a long time to be married, I think you should go to counseling together so both of you can work out these issues and possibly make some positive compromises. good luck to you.