Please help me understand, Children born to people who aren't married. I'm curious to other peoples values

Question

I know I came from a neighborhood that is a little old fashioned, growing up only one girl had a baby out of wedlock. And now I have noticed that so many people are having babies without being married. They just live together or not at all, what is all this about? I would never concider this. I'm not judging I just don't understand, I'll try to explain my side: for starters most people know what will happen if they have sex before marriage, so not everyone on the planet can say they got pregnant by accident. We are all responsible for what we do, and it is really hard for two people to raise a child together as husband and wife, so why would someone want to purposely do it alone? Also all these teens having children, I really have a problem with this, I never leave my child alone with a boy for this to happen. Parents need to pay more attention to their teens. I do everything with my children, I don't let them run around with boys. Please explain? marriage can be wonderful.

I want serious answers, I'm not condeming any one, I want to know your story and why you thought it was OK. And as for those who are currious, I ended two bad marriages, because it is better to raise a child alone safe/happy, this is not the issue, how did you get to were you are? Divorce is something that sometimes happens to good people, I raised my children alone and still spent time with them, I never collected welfare. I even went back to school to support them better, got a better job, so I don't sit at home all day. I have lived more of a life than you might think and I'm not a bible thumper. I was raised in a large Metropolis, Miami, one of the biggest. I educated my self. One of many of the issues here that I'm trying to get at is some people make mistakes, and others just think they can do what ever they want without consequences. Tell me your story. No Judging, so don't judge me. I also was raised by a single parent, my father was murdered. See the difference. Choice!

Also If you are a single parent due to divorce you don't really qualify for the answer I was looking for. Life is what happend to you. And If you are raising your kids successfully, Great Job. Maybe you wanted it to work but your spouse let you down, I don't know your personal situation, I appriciate your stories and maybe your stories can help others. Most divorced people have more insight than teen agers. Also because I went through two divorces, I got remarried a third time because I found a wonderful man and I didn't want my children to disrespect me for sleeping around. Yes your children will disrespect you if you sleep around. maybe now they are too young but the will through it in your face and maybe make similar mistakes and say you did it so why can't I. Parents have a responisibility to their children. History will repeat its self if we don't break the chain. Any educated person will understand what I'm saying. This isn't a moral bashing commentary. I want stories.

Answer 1

First theory: We as a generation grew up watching our parents and/or our friends parents get divorced. We swore we'd never go through that, and so we have decided that the only way to not have a divorce is to never get married.


second theory: we as a generation tend to do what we want to do when we want to do it. Our parents couldn't tell us what to do, and neither can anybody else. Being married is great, but it requires a little bit of sacrifice, it requires you to surrender your "right" to please yourself without thinking about others. Many people just can't deal with that.

Answer 2

As a person that got pregnant out of "wedlock" I personally dont believe that you should get married just because you got pregnant, those marriages often and most times end in divorce, Just about everyone I know that did get married because they got pregnant are now divorced including me. Teenagers often have this distortion of "it wont happen to me" but it does and it will. And alot of time the man will say he is going to be there and then as soon as the kid is born thats it hes gone. So I dont think people have bad values I think they are trying to protect themselves from bad divorces and stuff like that. And I always say if you dont want a baby then dont have sex or use protection if you do. Besides I dont know why anyone would want to bring a child into this world now a days.. but to each their own.. Im really not sure why you are having such a problem understanding this. And as far as leaving your kids alone w/ boys my Dad was a single father because my mother died and he was never around so I was free to do what I wanted and a lot of times this is the case, he worked and couldnt watch over us like some over protective parents do. I think you may be over protective... a little too much because of the fact you said " I do everything w/ my kids" be careful that can often come back to bite you! But I hope you figure out whatever it is you dont get. Good luck

Answer 3

A lot of times, children are not educated by their parents on the consequences of having sex. They are only told to not do it. As usual, if a teen is told not to do something, they will do it anyway without fully understanding the effects of their actions. I have a child and I am not married. I had my son when I was 20. I am 27 now and doing great. Some people have a bond and don't feel that marriage will make their relationship any more valid than what they feel it already is. I just think it depends on the individual's morals and values. Would I have another child now without being married? No. It's hard doing it alone.

Answer 4

I did!!!! but I was 36, been married and divorce twice. The second marriage disolved after the doctors told me I couldn't get pregnant, therefore would never have kids, and he didn't want to adopt...how did he put it..."I don't want someone else's F*g baby" So here I am single again, I can't get pg...so I've been seeing this guy we've been having a good time. Next thing I know I'm knocked up! Doctors were WRONG!!!! We love one another but like our separate lives...can't say that we won't live together one day, but we will never be married. Been there, done that, twice! Its right for us. But isn't better for a child to be raised by single happy parents, rather than grow up in a loveless, hateful or miserable marriage? What kind of example is that for a child? Thats all I ever knew...no father, only a stepfather who my mother end up hating. I'd rather my daughter see a strong happy single mom rather than a miserable married one any day.
You are right marriage can be wonderful, but so few folks are willing to work together to acheive that wonderfulness.

Answer 5

I got pregnant at 17. 3 months after we found out we got married. It was a big mistake. I did not love this guy and still do not love him. We have been married 1.5 yr and now Im afraid for him to leave because I dont want to be a single parent and especially dont want another woman to help raise my son. The man that I truly love will never be able to be in my life because he does drugs and I dont want him around my son. Why do i love him? Im not sure. Ive loved him since I was 15. But I tried to correct what I messed up by getting married. I brought a son into the world that Id give my life for. How other teens go trough everyday not paying attention to their kids is beyond me. I graduated with a girl that got cps called on her for her child. And my younger sister has a friend who is 16 and just had a 2nd baby in may. She had her 1st baby when she was 13. Neither of these girls got married. They both still run around and act like idiots also.

Answer 6

I'm 27 have one child, been with her dad for almost 6 years, we are not married. When we met we had both gotten out of rotten marriage and both decided marriage wasn't in the cards. This year we had actually talked about and started making plans for a wedding, but circumstances are now preventing that. time changes people.
As far as teenagers having babies, they dont understand how much work babies are. For example, my BF has a 15 year old boy and girl, they both want kids now. The mother allows them to spend the night/weekends with their BF or GF and so do the other parents, there is no way if I was the mom that would be happening, I'm not interested in becoming a grandmother yet, so i would do what i had to and try to prevent that from happening. Some parents are just too easy and dont really care about the consequences. The ones of us who do are considered to strict, bad parents and the list of names goes on.
Good luck to you.

Answer 7

It's so complicated and unfortunately there is no definate answer for you. Everyones reasons are different as to why they do what they do and then there are some where it is out of sheer stupidity!

My husband and I were together for 4 yrs before we got married in 03....I was pregnant when we got married and we had already been living together for almost 3 yrs. For me it was making sure that I can live with this person. That they were the one for me...as far as I see right now after being married for 4 yrs. He is.

I have a friend that has the worst taste in guys and she feels better just her and her kids and thats it. NO SHE'S NOT ON WELFARE! There are some of us out there in the world that do not mooch off the government. I know if for any reason my husband and I split, I would be good just me and not needing gov. assistance.

I don't think this really answers your questions but maybe puts a bit of perspective on your thoughts.

Answer 8

There are many people who have had bad marriages and/or bad relationships.
There are women who want children, but not a husband.
There are men who want children, but not wives.
There are couples who do not believe in the institution of marriage, but want to be together.
There are couples who do really well together until they get married, because they see marriage as changing their responsibilities in the relationship.

Those are a few of the reasons that people would have children out of wedlock. While I am married, marriage is not everything. In fact, it is only a recent development that couples get married before having children. Before the nineteen hundreds, most couples got married when the woman first got pregnant. So what you are calling "old fashioned" is not that old and was not always in fashion.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 9

why would someone want to purposely do it alone? think about that a min! it's pretty clear women are no so stupid they want to purposely be a struggling single mother "duh". However they made choices that had the effects of putting them in that situation. Things happen in the heat of the moment TEENS are known to not think things Thur fully before they act. Don't care how much you watch your kids if they want to do they'll find a WAY!. Yes i agree parents do have the responsibility to teach and guide in the right direction. Part of being a teen is to REBEL against the parents it's all to common to be to strict and it has the effect of making the teen do exactly what you don't what them to. I'm a momma to 3 kids I know even my 9 year old tries to pull stuff over on me. plus marriage is a great thing not all kids grow uip in a married household in fact most kids are from divorced parents and yes that can effect how they feel about sex and marriage. You are a rare breed i grew up totally diffrent single mom's were my norm

Answer 10

Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are a very lovely couple with children who are so much in love still and not married. The teen pregnancy though is devastating to me as well. I have teenage boy and I have told him about the risks and how it would ruin his life forever. But when its the heat of the moment do you think he will hear my voice or the hottie thats whispering in his ear??? We can only hope that with the proper raising our kids will steer clear of that. Abstinence is best but we also need to face reality and dish out protection. Too many parents won't give that an option and then oops maybe I should have put her on birth control or I should have given him some condoms. I hear too much of not my son, or not my daughter, yeah maybe it is. If they are sheltered by their parents do you think that will make a difference? Only when your there it will, but if there is a will there is a way. And you can't be there 24/7. My advice to teen pregnancy is proper raising and my gosh offer them birth control.

Answer 11

marriage can be wonderful... but it's not for everyone. My friend has a child with her boyfriend. They aren't married but they're planning it and are both wonderful parents to their son.

I know that some people look at their parents marriage and if it hasn't went that well they may think that it's not for them... but it doesn't mean that they can't have a serious relationship with someone and have children. Marriage really is not the be all and end all. Society says that children should be born to a happily married couple, but it doesn't always work that way. I'd rather a child had a wonderful single mother than two parents who couldn't give a crap.