My mask of ice I let down
In front of those eyes, for you
For you I gave up my crown
My frozen heart you broke through
You brought me back to life
You had me revived
You put away from me that knife
You made sure I'll have survived
All the dangers I have long time denied
You kept close to your heart
All the tears I have cried
You made for me a fresh start
For you I came downstairs from my skies
With my past I broke all ties
All I ask from you is to throw her out of the door
If not, I'll have her lie dead forever on the seashore
2007-06-28 02:30:10 · 9 answers · asked by Analyst 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
If it is your begining one, then think, this is the best start.
If you don't feel bad, may I have a sugetion of some changes in it.
My mask of ice I let down
In front of those eyes, for you
I gave up my crown for you
but you broke through my frozen heart.
You brought me back to life
And rejuvenated it a fresh
You placed that slayuer knife away from me
And you made sure I'll have survived
All the dangers I have long time denied (this line is not giving proper meaning and co-relating with the below)
You kept close to your heart
All the tears I have cried
You made for me a fresh start
For you I came down from my skies
With my past I broke all ties
All I ask from you is to throw her out of the door
If not, I'll have her lie dead forever on the seashore
Note : it is upto you to accept. Thanks anyway.
2007-06-28 03:15:00 · answer #1 · answered by mak 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The last verse sounds like you are threatening to commit murder, or suicide - not cool (and not worth it). Otherwise, the poem isn't too bad. If this is based on a real situation a word of advice from me: what once was is never permanent - a castle in the past is not as good as a warm home in the present. Move on if you need to. Good luck.
2007-06-28 09:37:34 · answer #2 · answered by Paul Hxyz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say,but its kind of lacking that cleverness. Seems like anyone could have wrote this. Im sure this is just your rough draft. But yeah, be more passionate, and unique. Your off to a olright start. There has to be some kind of awesome "ice" metaphor thats missing from this. Good luck
2007-06-28 09:45:33 · answer #3 · answered by WM 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Great poem. I loved it and felt what you were saying. But on the other hand do you think he will think your in love or crazy with that line. Every thing was perfect but I would think about how I want him to feel about it or what he would think. Good Job!!!!
2007-06-28 09:42:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Deep very deep. Its good in a scary kind of way but still good
2007-06-28 09:39:15 · answer #5 · answered by lilangelfromdahood 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not too bad! Keep trying to express yourself......
Poetry can sometimes put us at ease with our feelings and expresses our feelings to others!
2007-06-28 09:36:12 · answer #6 · answered by Knarf 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your rhyme is a little forced, but otherwise I like it.
2007-06-28 12:22:08 · answer #7 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poem is good..I hope he kicks her out!!:}
2007-06-28 09:33:55 · answer #8 · answered by Georgia Girl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like that poem
2007-06-28 10:21:17 · answer #9 · answered by Coco-puffs 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋