How do I get past the anger? I need closure.?

Question

She has verbally abused me, and made me her lapdog. We're married (First time for both of us), but she separtated from me months ago (kicking me out with a weeks notice). I've done everything possible to show her I'm a good person. I come to find out she has a life I've never known about. And yes, that does mean seeing other people among other things.
And I will never stew over how I was some victim through all this. I understand how I am responsible for letting this happen to me. I just can't understand why she was constantly saying one day how much she loves me and how she hopes we will work things out, and the next telling me what a loser I am.
She says I'm 100% to blame for what went wrong with us.
Yet I had to deal with the fact that she is a stripper, constantly screaming and threatening me, and controlling the whole relationship. I would just like to hear her say she's sorry, or that she understands what she may have done to hurt our marriage. She still she hates me. Why?

Answer 1

First of all...when someone is quick to throw blame, not too mention 100% of the blame .....normally they have major issues. You have to step back an realize you did everything right, and nothing wrong. You loved her enough to marry her regardless of the fact, she didn't love herself enough, and thus she could not love you in return. Many would say..okay what were you thinking when you married a stripper?....well I am saying the same thing. You need to stop asking yourself, why she hates you so much...more than likely she doesn't care because you are a much better person than she is. She isn't going to say she is sorry, so if your waiting for that, it is a lost cause. Ask yourself this, in order for someone to LOVE YOU, they have to LOVE THEMSELVES. She doesn't respect herself...so she could have never loved you. trust me, these guys she may be with now, will just dump her in the end, and she will be one lonely person...hugging the pole while she sheds her tears. remember....in truth, you never lost her. She took you for granted, and she sounds like one selfish female dog!!! You will find someone who is worthy of your love and your respect. Cut her out of your life...and let her live her life.

I wish the best of luck!

Answer 2

You may never hear her say she's sorry, because she believes that you are 100% to blame for all of the problems. The sad thing is, she sounds very immature. Most adults know that when there are problems in a relationship, everyone is to blame. It takes two to tango...

The fact that she is a stripper may mean that she has encountered some real jerks out there. Depending on how young she was, when she began stripping, may mean she began forming impressions about men at a very young age. Some impressions are so deeply imbedded a person may need counseling to overcome them.

If you truly feel that you've done all you can, and she refuses to drop all other men, your marriage may not be salvageable.

I might suggest meeting with her in a public place for dinner. If you meet in public, especially at a nice location, she is less apt to begin screaming at you and/or throwing a "tantrum." You could tell her you love her, but that you can't stay married to her if things don't change. You could ask her for explanations as to why she feels cheating is acceptable. If she remains cold, aloof, stubborn or hard-hearted towards you, it may be time to cut your losses and move on.

It's sad, but true.

Everyone deserves someone who treats them well. We are all human beings, and we deserve to be dealt with as such. When she screams at you and verbally abuses you, she is letting you know that she doesn't believe you are her equal.

I wish you all the best!

Answer 3

She's not going to apologize. See, in her eyes, she wasn't wrong. She feels that way and because she feels that way, and her feelings never lie, she knows she is right and therefore, that makes anyone else wrong.

Blaming you excuses her for her own mistakes in her mind. Don't worry about an apology from her, it won't happen. If it did, I'd question the sincerity and the reason for it. (i.e. "gee, things are bad for me right now so if I apologize, I can use him again")

Let me guess. Compromise between you two became concession on your part to her because you thought she would lighten up and be happier. It didn't work out that way.

It's not easy. Forgive yourself for being with her and making the choice to do so because you thought better of her. It's not your fault she decided to prove you wrong.

The reason she was constantly changing her words (I love you, you're a loser) was to keep you off balance and continue her manipulation of your feelings. Tearing you down and switching back and forth between nice and hateful was her way of manipulating you and controlling the situation.

She's going to hate you, or not like you. As much as we all would like answers and complete closure, we can't always get it. Accept that it was a bad relationship and vow that even if she says she has changed, that you will not subject yourself to a relationship again.

I hope some part of this helped...

Answer 4

Always remember that it takes two to make a marriage/relationship work. She blames you, just so she can justify what she is doing... I would suggest to go on with your life... Take a vacation and figure out what you want out of life and what you would like to do...

In time the right person for you will appear. Sometimes in life we have to go through bad seeds to find the good one... It's a lesson learned. Everything you go through will just make you a stronger person to deal with what ever else may come your way... Never let anyone tell you that you are a loser. If you know that you are doing what you should. it will all speak for itself....

May God Bless you and Good Luck!

Answer 5

First, make sure you are being honest with yourself. Is she truly as evil as you have portrayed her? Or is it your (albeit deserved) anger talking?

If she really is as bad as you have made her seem---then get out of the relationship! It's extremely unhealthy. Why do you need to gain closure from her? YOU need to give closure to YOURSELF. Get a divorce, and chalk it up to one of those life lessons, as hard as that may sound.

And go ahead, let yourself be angry for a little while. Take out your agression at the gym, or playing music, or whatever gets you going.

Then, after an anger/grieving period ( I know it's always tough to lose someone you loved, even if they were awful to you), move on as best you can. Go out and do things you want to do. Throw yourself into work (or school). Make time for your friends. Get a hobby.

If, after getting a divorce, and allowing a few months for anger and grieving, you still feel you cannot overcome the anger/pain...start talking to a therapist that can help you with anger management and loads of other emotional issues. Truthfully though, it may nto even go that far---you may just need a friend to listen, support you, and balance your own thoughts.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I want you to walk over to the mirror and look at the reflection. Do you see a person that deserves to be verbally and mentally abused and used as any ones door mat? the answer should be no. Now stand there and tell yourself your biggest mistake was falling for her, go over what you have learned and who you have grown into. Keep telling yourself you deserve better, i promise one day you are going to believe it.
I wish you the best, no one, not man or woman deserve to be treated that way. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes the hardest part is having to own up to what we do wrong. Good luck

Answer 7

There is now way that you are 100% responsible for things that went wrong. She sounds like she has a lot of issues, I say you are better off without her. As least you know what to avoid the next time.

Answer 8

Because she is a sociopath.

Anyone who is a stripper for a living does not love themselves, so how can you expect her to love you? She doesn't know what love is. Please take your part, sure, but also realize that some people are just categorically f-d up. There is nothing you could have done better or differently. Just be glad it's over now, and realize that you deserve better.

Answer 9

Get a lawyer,file for divorce,start over without her,never look back. Yes,you need closure...I just told you how. Why? Because she is a wack job control freak abuser who will put you in a nut house or worse before she is satisfied. RUN MAN !

Answer 10

you sound like a very soft person, soemone who people tend to take advantage of. learn to use anger to your benefit... this sounds wrong at first but hear me out ...
stop letting yourself be her doormat. stand up to her and tell her exactly what YOU dont like about HER lifestyle, then leave her alone. dont contact her, dont drive past her house, nothing. If she is worth anything then she will come back to you. if she doesnt then she wasnt worth it and there are plenty of women out there that will love you and cherish you for the amazing person that you are.
stick to your guns, play hard to get, if it works then lay down the rules upfront. if it doesnt, youre a free man. think of how much better you will feel when you dotn have all that rubbish to worry about. yes you love her, and it will hurt, but you will get over it, even though it doesnt feel like it at the moment.
good luck. stay strong angel...