My husband thinks I need to go for counselling,ALONE !! He thinks I am the one with the problems.?

Question

My husband is a good provider(house, car etc...) and he thinks I am being very ungrateful.I told him that I AM very grateful for all that he had provided but I am lacking the emotional connections with him.We are like housemates and I can't see myself living like this for the rest of my life.We've been married for 30+ years.

I have mentioned my 'problems' about 3 years ago and many times since, but he is always saying that I should be grateful and that he is happy living this way.I told him that as long as one party is not happy,there is a problem!

So I suggested counseling and was told to go alone since it's MY problem.I only want this emotional void to be filled.He is so distant and aloof.I am so tired of having to initiate everything that I give up, so no sex (it's the result not the cause),no touching,no talking,no nothing.. so sad!

Should I just stay and be grateful for all that he is able to provide and be deprived emotionally? Does going for counseling alone help?

Answer 1

Counseling is just a speed-bump on the road to divorce..
Don't waste your time...

Answer 2

I commend you for being married for so long...most dont make it that far! I would have to say, if you've made it 30 years, you are probably in for life. I read an article about men and their reactions to their wives suggesting counseling. You are part of that same majority that said their husband basically turned it around and said "No its you who needs it...". Its a regular male reaction (of course not all men are like this). You may want to take a different course of action to get youguys back together as a couple, because as you mentioned, it does sound like you are more as roommates. Is there anything that you both enjoy together? Any places maybe you could go, or do something special TOGETHER to get youguys reacquainted? Maybe a weekend getaway or even a day at a lake or beach? Something that you both enjoyed when you first started out as a couple? Are there any couples groups targeted towards people in your age range that you could join? Also if you both go to church, I do know alot of churches have support available. Sometimes I can understand marriage counseling seems to be the only way, but there are other more "male-friendly" ways. Perhaps after youguys are closer again you can get him to go, because he wont be on the defense like he is now. Clearly hes feeling the same negative emotions as you are. Good luck to you and your husband!

Answer 3

I've been married for twenty years, I think that void comes with the territory. I understand, I feel the same way. It is hard to stay in a marriage when you are more like house companions than friends. My husband was injured very early in our marriage and I had to work to support the family for many years. This caused major problems for us. I think you should be grateful that you have a husband that takes care of you financially. I would even be willing to accept that at this point. The only problem I have with divorce is that it is against GODs will unless hes been cheating. I think he is just tired. He could be very stressed about work to. I definitely wouldn't throw away 30 years w/out making a serious effort to fix it. He must love you if he stayed all those years. Try babying him for a few months. Ask him whats on his mind. Try going somewhere for a weekend. Go to counceling maybe they can give you some better options. : )

Answer 4

Emotional connection and emotional void filled. Those are words only women understand (I am not even sure about that). To a man, a connection is a wire with each end touching something and filling a hole with dirt is a void filled.

Women like you choose abstract words. I bet you cannot provide a list of actions about emotional connections or happiness. To you, having a house is not happiness, going shopping in Paris is not happiness (after you've gone 5 times!!).

Your husband's point is along this line. YOu look at the glass 10% empty instead of 90% full. You focus so much on the empty part that you are UNGRATEFUL about the 90%. You are spinning the 10% out of control at least in your head. He can't participate because you can't provide concrete actions. And he only knows how to correct things that are actionable. That is why he wants no part of your program.

I know enough friends who have gone through counselling. Most don't help for simple reasons as I have come to summarize. When asked to provide a list of grievances, people come up with the silliest things of what hurt them. They swear these are important but they can't explain how. They just spin these little things out of proportion. Then, I know one woman who got very mad at the female counsellor (chosen by her) because she was hoping the older lady to lay it all on the husband. That didn't happen so the woman quit because she said the counsellor was biased!! Counsellors get you to write down lists and then actions how to address these issues. These are logical but women's emotional issues are not logical, plain and simple.

Answer 5

I would suggest you go to counseling by yourself and figure out what is bothering you, once you have established that, you need to go to counseling with your husband... He needs to realize that their is a reason behind it and it takes two to make a marriage work or break it....

Just because he is a good provider he might be lacking in other ways (like not providing emotional support, not showing much tender love and care, that us woman crave) He needs to understand that just providing is not enough... You need the whole package....

God bless and Good Luck!

Answer 6

Counselling by yourself to keep the marriage together is ridiculous....but it might help YOU through a very rough time.
You see,he already told you its your problem didn't he.He hasn't the problem because he likes the situation.
Your right,if their is no feeling anymore,get out of it.Life is to short to waste on life with no love in it.Every human being needs it to be healthy. You have no idea what you still have to go through before he is gone from the picture.He will promise you the world but probably can't deliver.You have to come to some kind of agreement on your assets.....hopefully without lawyers. If your out of shape,start working at it now.When the time has passed,start on a dating site.Go out with 10 losers and maybe you will find one good man.Good luck with the rest of your life,and have fun with the time remaining.

Answer 7

Yes! Try counseling alone, and the counselor will persuade him in too. They have tips/tricks to get him into counseling with you as a couple.You sound like wife/mother burn out.
You need a vacation and he needs to listen to you.The problem is you two have been married too long, and are just too used to each other.Hang in there and go to counseling alone and things will clear up! Try letting the counselor talk with him after you talk with the counselor.They can talk without him argue or jump up, and walk off.He will listen to the counselor.

Answer 8

Your husband needs to understand that is great that he's a good provider but there is more to a relationship than just the material things. You don't have a problem. He has the problem. The same way he is committed to providing the material, he needs to provide the emotional.

Answer 9

Material things dont make the world go round.
If he thinks you have the problem then go to counselling by yourself, he will see that nothings changed and then hopefully realise that he is part of the problem as well.
Personally if there is such a communcation breakdown, its over but if you really love hima nd want to fix it, then all you can do is try your hardest, if his not willing to meet you half way then you know the answer.
Good Luck

Answer 10

going to counceling alone will initiate and help you and in time there may be the opertunity for him to go and he may or may not but at least you will get the help you need and find a direction.
You cannot go on being emotionally deprived and cannot just stay in that situation by just being so called grateful of the homelife.
Its not just your problem in marrage its both.

Answer 11

Many married couples first start counseling alone - it is not uncommon at all.

A counselor can help you learn new ways of communicating with your husband - and dealing with the stress you are feeling. The counselor will also help you find ways to have your husband sit in on a session or two, so he or she can get his persepctive of things...and essentially help both of you.