ok, so i knew being married at 18 wasnt going to be easy, and having a baby one month after marriage but this?

Question

ok, so im about to be 19, and i have heard it all
"how could you get pregnant so young"
"you should be married"
"you shouldnt be married"
and its all so conflicting and confussing! Yes, i married young, yes i got pregnant ALOT younger then i wanted, by like 10 years, and yes im dealing with it as it comes, I always put my sons priorities before any of mine! I know everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest, but isnt that usually because thats when you move in together? we got married in Feb. of this year, and having been living together since Aug, of last year. And then, there is the "the first year with baby will put a strain on even the most perfect marriage"
But, i never thought it would end up like this!
We fight all the time, he says its a good sign, and i do love him, But, i dont think im in love with him, if that makes any sense. I dont believe in divorce or cheating.....
but....

i have been very unhappy latly. Some days i cant stand to even look at him! he wont let me work, so i stay at home ALL day with our 3 month old son, and its really bothering me, because its making me resent him soooo much! Dont get me wrong i love my son, but i need my sanity time too! I appriciate it when he decides to help out, but he gets annoyed with me when i ask (keyword: ask) if he will watch our son just so i can go to the grocery store! I have to ask for god's sake!!! its ridiculous! i have dinner ready every night, laundry, all household chores, and i always have my son in bed! i dont feel like i can do this anymore and i havent even been married that long! anytime we fight he gets really pissed off and leaves, which worries me, because i know his ex-girlfriend lives right down the street (who is his "best friend") i mean, shouldnt i be??? what am i supposed to do? all i want is to go back to montana....but he cant live without his G**DAMN BEACH!

he has mentioned the word divorce a few too many times, and i feel like right now, a temporary seperation would be the best thing.

****We do talk, but once i state my opinion he gets really mad and yells, i know its not all about me, as i stated above( i think) my families priorities ALWAYS come before mine, but sometimes i cant deal with it all by myself!)

Answer 1

It can be very tough. My husband and I had 2 children in our first 2 years of marriage, and there were some growing pains. (We were 28 and 29 when we got married, so having some life experience out there on our own prior to settling down definitely helped.)

It sounds like you need some time for yourself. Even just getting out on your own for a few hours each week to do something that's enjoyable to you can help.

Frankly, it does concern me that you say that your husband won't "let" you work. (Especially when combined with some of your other statements...its hard to say for sure based only on your post, but it sounds like a strong possibility that he has some control issues.) Don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of a parent staying at home whenever its financially possible. But its one thing to have a couple come to a mutual agreement on the "to work/not to work" thing, quite another to have him dictate that you "can't" work regardless of your feelings on the matter.

Have the two of you considered counseling? I wouldn't try something as drastic as divorce or separating without counseling first. Believe me - if you think its hard to take care of your son and try to meet your own needs now with whatever help you happen to get from him, it will be 10X harder to do on your own. I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave if things get worse and/or he's not willing to change - I'm just trying to give you some food for thought, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. (But sometimes it is.) :)

Answer 2

OK kid -O I'll give you a similar situation. Married at 19 child at 20, 22,and 25. Lived away from family the first year.

Having a baby is hard .(PERIOD) They can be the best baby but it still is hard and a lot of work. Marriage is hard and a lot of work. the first year is tough living together, sharing, learning new things etc.... Add everything together and you are fighting double tough. You can't think about what you wanted just what you have now. So start there and erase the wanting kids later and marriage later etc.
If you really are putting the baby first you will stop the fighting, Even at that young of age they can feel the uneasiness between you both. That is not good for the baby! You need to talk to your husband without the baby around to distract you if possible. Let him know how you are feeling, needing to get out without the boy and maybe a lunch with a friend or a bit of shopping what ever you like to do. Tell him that you appreciate him doing some of the chore around the house but you also need him to have baby time so you can take a bath, run to the store etc.. The baby is only a baby for a very short time and he does not want to miss out on anything, tho most men don't like being with the baby because they are nervous and uneasy.
When you talk to him don't say YOU like you do this you don't do that he will go right to the defencive mode if you do, stick with you and how you feel.
Don't think of divorce fight for the family and the marriage. Life is not easy and not always happy so because you are going thru a rough time it will make you stronger and your relationship stronger. As long as there is no hitting and abuse then do your best to learn and make this work. No cheeting either!
With the ex down the road that needs to stop. He needs to see it thu your eyes and how that makes you feel. What if it were you going to a mans house that he did not want you to
go to. You can always try family councling anything is worth the family you have. If you want to talk to me more ask me a question. Good luck Jenn

Answer 3

I'm sorry I was married with children at your age and it is hard, harder than we could have ever imagined. Where is the romance. the little house with the happy wife and husband. It seems almost unreachable at time doesn't it? I felt like you did at your age, I wondered what had I done and who was this annoying, selfish person I married. How did I not see his flaws before this, I lived with him. But the truth is marriage changes us, I am not sure why but it does. And I hate to be the bubble buster but it's not a year, it's five. The fist 5 years of marriage are the hardest 5 years you'll deal with. It was around about 5 years that my husband and I found a balance of giving and taking that seemed to work for us, it was hard but since then things have gotten better. A lot will change as you get older 19 is still young and don't get me started on how most men are illequiped to be husbands at such a young age. But hang in there odds are you both won't die fighting but it takes more than a few months to figure out marriage and parenthood. Give yourselves a break and Good Luck. I forgot I have now been married for 10 years and have 2 children.

Answer 4

Hey there :)

Sometimes i kinda feel like I'm in the same boat as you. I think I've emailed you once, so you probably already know, but I'm 19 - and my partner is turning 20 this august. Ben works full time & is always 'too tired', or he'll 'help me tomorrow.' I "asked" him to look after Luke tonight and he said "I'm tired, can you have one another day?"

Sometimes it can get to breaking point, where I'm sitting up rocking bubs at 6am with no sleep, going mad and starting to resent bubs for not wanting to sleep.Thats always when its the hardest.

I do believe i read somewhere, that the happy 'honeymoon phase' only lasts 10 months with a couple - then they really find if they are compatible. It was pretty true when we started dating. After 10 months or so, it just wasn't pretty anymore. The lovey dovey feeling had just...gone.

But, when things are turning sour, theres no point being a doormat, both your son and yourself will suffer as a result. Speak your mind, tell him YOUR needs to be a good mommy. Us mommies don't have magic fairy powder that makes us not need 'me' time anymore.

Even if you are married, you can still speak your mind. You are still you - you've just got someone to be 'you' with. Let him know how your feeling. Ben works full time - or will be until next week.

I managed to convice him that if he did four days instead of five a week, he could spend more time relaxing at home, & i'd get a job 1 - 2 days a week. It was hard convincing his boss, but we did it. Even though he's terrified of looking after luke, 'cuz he's a 'mommies boy' & starts to cry the second i walk outside.

I think I just waffled on again. Goodluck, and let him know how you feel - and if he doesn't listen, take a holiday to go see some family for awhile? I'm sure they'll love to see you and your son....esp. if they haven't seen him for awhile :) I'm sure you'll get some time to yourself & they'll love babysitting.

Answer 5

First off, you have to get out of the house for your "me time". It's a must or you'll be poppin anti-depressants in no time and they don't work that good.
As far as your husband manipulating the situation by leaving and threatening divorce when you fight. Well, that's gunna break down the marriage really fast. I'm on my 2nd crappy marriage and I've been through everything you're going through. You have to stand up for yourself and be strong now. Don't let him or anybody else tell you the way you're going to live your life. It will be a hard adjustment but in the end you'll all be happier.
Last but not least, he's scared to take care of the baby so if he's willing, help him and show him how.

Answer 6

I have no good news for you, but it comes from 20-years of working with divorced and single fathers, so I will give you the bad news first.

Yes, marriage under the age of 24 is problematic, with a 85% divorce rate. Mind you, this is applicable to you, more than the male. Males don't reach full maturity until age 30, while you will reach it at age 24.

The woman is the anchor and stabilizer in any marriage, but only when you are old enough to ready for this emotional responsibility. Half the emotional makeup of a man, over the age of 30, comes from the woman.

Getting pregnant as a teenager is not good for you, since your body, especially your immune system, are not fully mature. It substantially increases your chances of developing breast cancer. The only way to repair the damage to your immune system is to nurse the baby for at least two years. The act of nursing energizes the immune system.

Consider getting the books, "10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationship" and "The Proper Care And Feeding Of A Marriage." They can help. Get into couples counseling. Write me and let me know where you live and I will see if there is someone to two of you can talk to in your area.

Answer 7

I think you are getting too stressed and a little bit depressed. Try to make your husband understand that you need some time for yourself, not fighting, just talking. Or if you have family in Montana, why don't you go to visit them and have a little vacation with your son there? maybe your family can help you with the baby and you can rest a little. You can use that time to think about your marriage and to see if you really miss your husband when he is not around, I wish men could understand that being a stay at home mom is harder than they think. Good luck and I hope everything works out fine for you.

Answer 8

Oh my gosh! You have got yourself in a mess! I got married at 20 and had a baby at 23. Now I am 28 and have 2 kids, and I still feel like I missed out on my youth. I would say try to make the best of the situation. Try to get a babysitter and go out with hubby at least every other weekend. You need to spend some quality time with each other without the baby.

Answer 9

Marriage starts out about love and romance, but that doesn't last. Be friends,trust each other, be a team. It sounds so corporate, but in order to make it work there has to be some logic. Unfortunately, at 19, you're still finding yourself, your place in the world, and joining the world. Fortunately, this gives you new opportunities to bond with your husband, and continuously get to know each other, which keeps a relationship interesting, and helps it last. Unfortunately, you've got about 5 years of difficulty crammed into a few. :( Keep a level head, and just take it a day at a time.

Good luck!

Answer 10

And just what did you expect marriage and motherhood to be like?
You need to stop thinking about what you need now that you have a baby. It doesn't matter what age you are. Right now, your priority should be the baby. Why cry over spilt milk? Just take everything in stride and do your best for everyone, not just yourself. So you fight, which married couple doesn't? If you say you love him, then don't give him any problems. He already is doing his part as a provider for the family. Stop thinking about yourself.