does any one know some real funny jokes that i can tell to my friend beacause they never laughed please 8<?

Answer 1

Blonde Cookbook Diary


DEAR DIARY:

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
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Funny Jokes - Boring Jokes

A man was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. After a moment of silence, he would go through the same process … mumble, smile, raise hand, silence.

A woman was observing this, and after about an hour, she said, “Pardon me, sir. Is anything wrong?”

“Oh, no,” the first man replied. “It’s just that long trips get boring so I tell myself jokes.”

“But why, sir,” asked the woman, “do you keep raising your hand?”

“Well,” said the man, “that’s to interrupt myself because I’ve heard that one before.”

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Mao Tse-tung

A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after having been
granted a rare interview.

“What do you think would have happened if Mr. Khrushchev had been
assassinated instead of President Kennedy?”

Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said “I don’t think Mr.
Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev.”

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She’ll find a horse!

Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble
getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could
help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.

After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door
of Joe’s apartment house. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the
door. More pushing and shoving.

Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and
into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and
into the bathtub.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good samaritan said, “I don’t want to be
nosy, but this is most unusual…”

Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say,
‘There’s a horse in there!’ “

“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will he ever get the chance to tell
his wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”

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My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.

I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, “Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.”

For our vacation this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

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THE HOMELESSS WOMAN

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?” “No,” I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked. “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate.”

Answer 2

The Texas Midget

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
He then stood the midget up onto the examining table, and started
to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle
and told midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Aha!" said the doctor once more. He turned around; reached for his surgical scissors,
Snip-snip-snip-snip the midget heard on the right side...then
snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.
What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots

Answer 3

Two cows were talking on the side of the road. One cow said, "So, have you heard about this mad cow disease?"
And the other cow said, "No. But it sure makes me glad I'm a penguin!"

PS. I realize that was pretty corny. But it's easy to remember, and it almost always gets a few laughs.

Make sure you go to the Jokes and Riddles section (listed under entertainment). They will have a bunch of funny jokes.

Answer 4

There's an English man an Irish man and a Scottish man, and they're on the run from the police, so the English man jumps into a sack labelled 'cats', the Scottish man into a bag labelled 'dogs', and the Irish man into a bag labelled 'potatoes'. So the police come and kick the bag labelled 'cats', and the English man says 'Miaow', so the police think there must be cats in there, then they kick the bag labelled 'dogs', and the Scottish man says 'Woof' so they think there must be dogs in there so then they kick the back labelled 'potatoes' and the Irish man says 'POTATOES.'

-It's funny if you aren't Irish and can do good Irish accents!!

And also:
There was an English man an Irish man and a Scottish man, and one day they were going down a wishing slide, so the English man goes down the slide saying 'GOLD' and lands in a pot of gold, the Irish man goes down the slide saying 'SILVER' and lands in a pot of silver, and then the Scottish man goes down the slide and finds it quite fun, so he says 'WEEEEEEE!' and lands in a pot of wee!

-Immature, who cares?!

Hope this helps xx

Answer 5

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
That'll make the blonde's laugh. Brunettes won't like it much though.

Answer 6

So there are 3 guys in the top floor of the Empire State Building. The 1st guy looks to the others and says "hey did you guys know that if you jump out of the window the air current will catch you, take you all the way around the building and back in?!" The 2nd guy goes "I don't belive it" so the first goes "look I'll prove it" he jumps out. Sure enough he goes around and comes back in. The 2nd guy goes "that's so cool I wanna try!" So he runs, jumps out and falls to the ground. The 3rd guy looks at the 1st and goes "superman you're such a jerk!" XD

Answer 7

What do ya get if ya cross a dog with a jellyfish? The colliewobbles!

Answer 8

The Scottish Oldtimer

A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then, the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then, the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, making certain that no one is paying attention. "But ya f**k one goat..."

Answer 9

a priest, a rabbi, a cow, a dog, and a cop all walk into a bar. the bartender looks up and says, " what is this, a joke?"

Answer 10

ok here is one:

there is a mirror that can tell if your lieing and if you lie in front of it it will suck you in forever. an old lady, brunett and a blond try it out. the old ladey goes in front of it and says, "I think im the most beutiful woman on earth" ZAP!!! she gets pulled in. the brunett goes in front and says "I think im the most beutiful woman on earth" ZAP!!! she is gone. the blonde goes in front of it and says, "i think....." ZAP!!!

that should make her laugh!