mature answers only how do i get my wife and ex wife to tolerate each other?

Question

i have joint custody with my ex and live a few miles from her and my son.because of this i have almost daily contact with my ex(text msg/email/phone) regarding my son.The problem is my ex hates my new wife(jealous) and goes out of her way to torment her and makes her feel unwelcome around our son.This pisses off my wife and she will "feed the fire" so to say meaning she will do things that she knows will piss my ex off and i'm cought in the middle.Some will say i need to stand up for my new wife but i need to think of my young son too.Yes my exwife is to blame for this(mostly) but i'm taking the high road for my son by staying out of it.Is this the best way to handle this?

Answer 1

Honestly, I think your wife retaliates because you have not given her a safe boundary in her home. A new wife needs to feel that you are committed to her, and this can be done without sacrificing any love to the child. Here is what I suggest.
1. Think about how this got started. Did your ex throw the first psychological punches? If so, was your wife run over while you took the high road? If the answer is yes (and I have a feeling it is), then think about what you could have done differently to make your wife feel secure.
2. Go to your wife and first let her know that you understand that it is your responsibility to buffer her from your ex-wife's insecurities. Assure her that it will not happen again.
3. Then set some ground rules with your wife about interacting with your ex (assuming it is even necessary), and tell her that you will not allow the ex to cross the boundary again.
4. Let the ex-wife know that you cannot allow her to interfere with your marriage. As one person wrote, you do not have to have significant contact with your ex to implement visitation orders. If your ex-wife continues to torment your wife, I would file a petition with the court for an order to better structure your visitation rights.

I really think your ex-wife is the main problem, and it appears that you are enabling the situation. I do believe your intentions are good, but there is no middle ground. You and your new wife have the legal right to be a part of your son's life, and your wife has a moral right to feel secure in her marriage to you. She should not feel like the second wife.
DP

Answer 2

I totally agree with Rachel and La Buena Bruja on this sticky situation.

You HAVE to sit down with them and SET the rules straight.
Will it be tough? Yup. Will it be messy? Yup. But you have to grab the bull by the horns, dear!

If you cannot do this alone, schedule an appointment with a counselor so HE can then guide you all through this. Perhaps a totally objective and trained stranger can help you figure out what to do so the child does not grow up in such a stressful and hostile environment. He should be everyone's priority, anyway.( You are all contributing to making him feel insecure because he sees all the bad vibes around him...Bad decision! )

The longer you wait the worse things will get. Fix this and do it ASAP !

Answer 3

I'd tell them both that their behavior is immature and not in the best interest of the child or anyone else. It's natural that they will most likely never be "friends", but they both need to grow up and realize the tension and stress their behavior is causing you, and eventually, your son.
It takes some time, but my ex's wife and I have come to tolerate each other simply because life is too short to spend it being vindictive and angry. I now am to the point where I email her pictures of my sons in their activities for the sake of the boys and their father. In acting maturely, it makes me feel as though I am the better person because I can ignore her childish games she tries to play.
Good luck to you!

Answer 4

Let your current wife that you are not responsibile for the ignorance of your 1st wife and validate her frustration when your X is wrong. Also keep gestures that let your new wife know she is the one for you. A smile, hug, touch on shoulder in the presence of your X at time whenyou have to be together. Play dumb but be smart. The second wife wants to be reassured that she is the one. You sleep with her not your X. You & her can rise above it and be better, keep the baggae out and it will benefit you & your son.

Answer 5

There is very little you can do about this because of your son.You would like to take your new wife side but you don't dare because your ex has you by the balls.If i were you i would let them fight it out and you and your son enjoy each other.Be careful because you could loss your new wife over this for not taking her side as she sees it.Just tell them both the only side your on is your son and sense the two of them are so immature your staying out of it all together.

Answer 6

You must make a choice. Your ex should not run your house- that is your wife's job. The child should not be put in the middle. There is nothing you can do to make them get along. Only communicate with the ex if necessary and make things work with your wife now. Do you want 2 failed marriages?

Answer 7

Your taking the "top avenue" isn't serving to. You are pretty much seeking to keep out of a hindrance you prompted. I believe there could also be a few lingering wish so that you can "keep on" to the ex, that's why you desire them to tolerate each and every different so you'll be able to have either one of them round. It ain't going to occur so that you have got to manage it on that groundwork. You have got to get lively in solving this mess. First, hold them aside. There is definitely no motive they have got to see each and every different. If they don't are available in touch with each and every different, they are not able to say or do some thing to get the opposite one mad. Second, don't speak approximately your new spouse to the ex nor approximately the ex for your new spouse. Tell each and every of them the discipline of the opposite isn't a discipline you shall speak about. Tell your son he will have to do that additionally so he does no longer bring stories from side to side. (combating by way of proxy.) Third, regardless of joint custody, it's not fundamental to converse with the ex each unmarried day. (Emergencies excluded.) You each and every are adults and will have to be competent to make choices involving parenting with no need to determine in with the opposite. When you cross the child, you'll be able to converse at the essential disorders. Your ex and potentially you, are unwilling to allow pass and all the ones calls and messages are simply methods to "keep on." If you don't holiday that, the calls and message will comply with you on holiday! If you believe your spouse is mad now, wait till you pass on holiday and your ex is asking everyday! You divorced your ex so allow her pass. If you do not you might lose your new spouse additionally!

Answer 8

1st you need to put your son first an let both women know how dump they look in making your son choose your ex need to move on because she is still in love with you an u do not feel that for her because u remarried i think your new wife should only have a say in your sons well being when he is with you an your ex need to stay out when yours sons is at your house what happen at your house stay ther your son only need to let his mother knows he love her but at the same time each of you need to let the child know the same an stop talking about his mi=other in front of him that way when he goes home to her he will just say i had fun at dads they have to get along with each other in front of the kid you well miss him up if they do not if not you need to rise your kid along an just date untik he learns he do not have to chose

Answer 9

You need to sit down with your new wife and your ex together and law down the law that your son is the focus here. Let them know that their petty bickering is hurting him and that you're not going to tolerate the behavior from either of them. Let them know that you're not choosing sides but that both of them need to be adults for the sake of your son. Staying out of it isn't an option. Here's one time where you have to step up and "be the man."

Answer 10

tell your ex that daily contact with your son is the only reason for any phone calls. that means talking with him only.you need to stop the texting and emails.theres no need for them.you dont need the contact with her, just your son.those two have no need to see eachother. you can pick him up quickly,and call him to talk just to him. you do need to stick up for your wife.not doing so is showing her that her opinion doesnt matter.it also shows your ex that you still have feeling for her.she is your ex and you need to treat her as such.your son is not going to be effected by that.the fights is what is effecting him. ive been through a few divorces with children.good luck...