Advice and opinions on the 1st paragraph of my novel!!??

Question

here it goes:

Adaya sat under a tall pine tree, gazing onto what would be completely full of beauty if it wasn't for those lousy, dangerous evil spirits hidden in it - the Dark Forest. People believed it had gotten its name by how the spirits never let the tiniest speck of light within the reach of the secret. Every now and then Adaya and her sisters would glide about the wide open space before the entrance to the Dark Forest and just hoped they would be allowed to embrace it one day. A big quantity of the population was always heard spreading rumors of what its big secret was. But she was the only one who knew it. She had always seen dreams of it, lifelike visions. It was as if she were really there. Nobody else knew that she knew what it was, though, and she didn't think bragging about knowing it seemed to make their poor family more pleasant. Adaya lay there for a few long hours on end thinking about what seemed the impossible....

now, i was thinking id dedicate it to like,

tweens, teens, kids. and i was also wondering if you would read it and the things i might need to change to make it a but more mature, like using those huge words for ex: JK rowlings grammar or someone like that. thanks!

Answer 1

To be honest (thats what editors are, brutaly honest)
u can make it better, i'm sure, and i have faith in you, even though i dont know you
The way you write, i think it needs to be changed, try to use your imgination, it might take you ten years to actually write the first paragraph
you need to try to note how other authors write like, theyre dialogue, and how they write the action
i think in the beginning it was ok, but then end could use some help
i'm very if I have hurt you, but i tried to help
in the future, if you give your book to an editor, they will be brutally honest and wont care if you cry
instead of being hurt, try to make that ur confidence and try to make it better

Answer 2

Your first paragraph is what we refer to as an "information dump". You have given your readers way too much information in one single paragraph. You need to learn how to let this material and information out slowly. Telling me that there are evil and dangerous spirits hidden in the trees in the first sentence is way more than I need to know at that point. Your novel is going to be very short at that rate!

I sense that you have not done your homework. You have not done a strong outline and you have not done good solid character studies. You just dove into writing, assuming that since it's fantasy, you can make up anything you want.

Well that is the way most young authors approach fantasy, but it is totally the wrong approach. Look at Lord of the Rings, Anne Mc Caffrey's Pern series or even Harry Potter. Each author has created an entire WORLD. That was there homework. I would be willing to bet that Tolkein spent at least one to two years developing his world before he put a single word on paper. Same with Anne Mc Caffrey.

Your world has to be complete. We have to everything there is to know about it. From what the people eat to how they dress to what form of government they have. That is your research and your homework. Starting a fantasy story is so much more than coming up with a cute name for your lead character and jumping into it.

I see these type of stories every day and when I sit down with the young authors and ask questions like "What is their form of currency?" or "What kind of shoes do they wear?" you get blank stares.

As an author and someone who has taught CW from ages 6 through college, my advice is toss this paragraph out. Start with your background work. It should take you a very long time to build a world. Then work on your outline and your character studies.

Then and only then, start writing again. Trust me - what you write then will be 1 thousand percent better. This just does not work. Pax - C

Answer 3

Problem: "lousy, dangerous evil spirits " "tiniest speck", do not use this many adjective, it takes the juice away from reading. Keep some stuff to the reader's imagination.

Tip: read it loudly when after yuou are done writing 2/3 paragraphs. Then you'll know how it sounds.

Answer 4

make sure you don't run on talking about nothing. That gets the reader bored very quick. Make sure you add another character right in the beginning thats easy to hate, or easy to love. People want that association, they want that familiar-ness. Also make sure you explain more about the woods. People like mystery, for only a while. Add enough to keep readers attached to the book. And let your main character do some stupid things-things that make an adventure. Things that make your reader throw their head back in frustration, that the character didn't see the danger.

Answer 5

More action. You need to write the first sentence with action, like someone talking or something like " Tom dogged past the old truck that came rolling at him.", or something of that kind. See? Well, hope I helped. It seems like an interesting plot, but spice it up a bit. That kind of plot about a heroine that lives in a made-up place is very common.

Answer 6

wow thats really good. my writing is mostly character dialogue and a few descriptive paragraphs like that, but dialoge mostly haha --- and also, on answer your other question about how to join my writers group thingy, just click on the link on my question you had answered and it should say somewhere on there, "join now" or something like that haha. we have 8 members so far, and they're pretty active -- oh and not to mention, its free, so go ahead and join -- maybe you can ask advice there too! =)

Answer 7

Make the 1st sentence one which will make people want to read on, like using references to things which will be mentioned in later sentences. For example, 'she sat under the tree' then mention who she is in later sentences, the brain automatically reads something like 'she' and wants to read on to find out who 'she' is.

Answer 8

My opinion: Spend less time looking for opinions and more time writing. When the book is done the only opinion that should matter is that of your editor and publisher.

Just go for it!

Answer 9

You use "it" a little too much. Could use some other editing, but not bad.