Why does he act like this?

Question

My husband of thirty years has always been negative about my family and friends. He is constantly saying negatives about anyone that I associate with. He does not even like me going to visit my elderly mother. He says very hurtful things about my friends and sisters. He even thinks that the Doctor that I go to is useless and stupid. I have quit asking family to visit because I do not want to hear all the negative remarks after they leave. It seems that he only wants me to associate with his family and stay away from everyone else. I do not understand this behavior. I don't see any reason for him to feel threatened by others. Is there something that I can do to alleviate this problem?

Answer 1

Hi Kait
It sounds as though your husband has a huge fear of rejection. He can't abide the thought of you possibly chosing your family over him. He might have alittle cling thing going on with his own family too, whom he obviously doesn't find threatening.

After 30 years, you know him pretty well, why not ask if you both can go to counselling about this? Or maybe he would be open to attending a session or two alone to find out what it is that he's truly afraid of.
In the meantime, try to support him about his fears. Open up discussion about it in a loving way as I know you can.

hope this is alittle bit helpful
blessings :)

Answer 2

Why would you cut off your poor mother for this miserable human being. If he doesn't want to come with you - so be it. But do not let him stop you. And don't stop having your family over - why should you? And as far as the negative remarks - you have 2 choices - let them go in one ear and out of the other or tell him to SHUT UP! You do not have to listen to him talk about your family . You need to let him know how upsetting this is. It sounds like he has been doing this thru out your whole marriage - I doubt if he will change but I certainly wouldn't hear it any longer!

Answer 3

You made a very bad mistake in stopping friends/family from coming over and I'm sure he feels great about it. He won !

He obviously has some mental issues and is insecure about you spending time with others/having people around.

First thing you need to do is decide if you want to stay in your marriage and if you do then sit down together and let him know how you are feeling and that changes need to be made.

Tell him you won't put up with him talking badly about people you care about or do business with and that if he can't control his comments/feelings then he needs to get help.

If you are afraid of talking to him, then get out because you shouldn't be afraid to talk to your own husband.


Best of Luck to you

Answer 4

Without knowing his history, I believe he may have some repressed feelings of bitterness and resentment towards someone in his childhood past, long before he met you. And he's acting out the trauma as misplaced feelings that never got to be expressed at the time when the emotional trauma occurred. The spirits of anger and negativity are just remnants of this trauma, which squelched the child-like spirit that is able to feel love, joy, peace, and comfort. At this point, he probably does not recognize love and fellowship because it wasn't shown to him properly as a child. Are you prepared to suggest counselling for your husband, so that he may unearth the painful memories that have dramatically affected his livelihood as an adult?

In the meantime, as his loving wife, pray that God will soften your husband's heart to the love of Jesus, so that he may finally experience His love and give love the way He intended. With God, anything is possible!

Answer 5

I was there too! I feel sorry for your situation.

My situation was so bad that I never had a party at my house, never had any friends for lunch, and when I had friends he will act out so he would spook my friends away. He was plain rude with everyonne that I knew, my co-workers, everyone. I was ashamed and afraid and was completly isolated. I lived a lonely life... I became a shadow of myself.

I'm sorry. I don;t know what to tell you. I lived like that for 8 long years. I never understood why. Well, he didn't have any friends and none liked him, he always was the one that had no friends at school. At work, they didn;t like him either and he always complained about not getting awards and promotions and it was everybody's fault but his. I was supportive but I knew that it was HIM but never had the guts to tell him. He always talked about himself and how he was always right and evrybody else was wrong. He was selfish, self-centered, borderline nercissistic. My ftiends were never good enough and he made a conceided effort to make then unconfortable in our home so they would refuse to come back. I hardly ever had any company, I always went to other people homes but gathering were never at my house, I was afraid of what he would say or do to spook people away.

I guess that he always felt rehjected in his life or has always second to something. He was a second child and grew up having "second-best" complex. I spend my youth trying to convince it of the opposite to no avail. It was hell not being able to have a normal social life like everyone else. He didn;t feel tretaned by others (just like you say) but rather couldn;t stand not being the center of attention.

I ended up divocing him. I can relate and I'm very sorry about this. My guess is that he needs therapy or counselling. It's not yoru fault sweetiem but I have to say that no matter what yous ay or do, he will never be satisfied.

Sorry.

Answer 6

Waw, he sounds like my ex a very angry person, a grouch. He sounds like a controller and when things doesn't feel comfortable for him thats the way expresses himself. Well my ex claim he was going to do better but he never did. There is no reason for him to act like that, he is your husband and owes you more. Its his job to make you happy, I'm sure you already feel smothered and trapped. I ended up dislikin my ex so much as a person. he never saw his faults and he would put it off on me. Ask him for you too to talk to a therapist I only had a boyfriend of 2yr but you have a husband of 30 it should be OK

Answer 7

He is insecure and always has been. He has no respect for you as a person or respect for your intelligence. But he is secure in the fact that you take it after 30 years.

Time for a wake up for him. You will do what you wish anytime you want to. Then he will realize that he needs you and maybe make an effort instead of this rut.

Answer 8

What a great woman to deal with this for so long!!! My husband was always like this too. In my situation, it was because I would complain about my family, so he was just trying to find a solution. Because men like to do that at times, find a solution to our problems. I finally told him that I didn't like it, and that he wasn't actually helping me solve anything but making me feel more torn instead.

I think he might be insecure that you don't like him as much as you like them. He just might not know how to tell you that without managing to be "less of a man", and you know how much that means to guys!

If I were you, I would either continue to go see them without him as you have been doing, or else gaining a tougher skin so that when you invite them over and he complains about them when they leave, it won't bother you when he speaks ill of them.

Answer 9

I agree with Donnania...

I was in somewhat the same situation with my ex-husband but luckily I was only in it for 10 months! It is quite likely that he has been emotionally abusing you for years and you don't even know it. What you described is called 'isolating' and it is abuse. Has he been physically abusive - yet? My heart goes out to you - xoxoxo. Do you feel like you have lost yourself? Do you ever feel like you are the one who is crazy?? My ex has Narcisstic Personality Disorder and that is impossible to cure. If your husband has been like this for 30yrs, I would say you should get out of it so you can get a clearer perspective of how your life really is. It's a scary thing to do, but it's scarier to live the rest of your life under his control, walking on eggshells and not letting your wonderful personality be all that you can be.
Accept that he won't change for you.
Get out.
Find a good long-term psychologist (it might take some searching for a really good one.)
Start the painful yet necessary process of healing.
Tell your trustworthy friends and family.
Join a church and find God if you haven't yet.

Bless you.
Prayers and love to you.


EDIT: Dr. G - what kind of Doctor are you???
Have you had any experience with the type of person in question??? I ask this only because one of the first counsellors said the same - pray for God to change his heart, blah, blah, blah - in the meantime my self-worth continues to dive because of the de-humanizing way this "man" was treating me!! I say get out!!! GET OUT!! IF he makes any effort to change, good - but only reunite after months (at least) of PROVEN BEHAVIOUR change!!!


Best regards.

Answer 10

Inform him you don't want to hear anything negative coming from his month or you will walk out of the house until he is done. You don't have to put up with it....drawn a line in the sand!