What is with husbands and porn?

Question

Ok, I know most people say that all men look at it, that's just their nature, blah, blah, blah, but I think it is just crap and it is just an excuse to continue to be disrespectful toward their wives. I recently discovered my husband looking at it again and he has in the past and he knows my feeling on it, yet it is a slap in the face when he does it again. It just makes me feel so rejected, unwanted and undesirable. He still pays attention to me, but it hurts becuase I don't think he understands how much I am bothered by it even though I have told him. He says "we'll you act like I went out and slept with someone" That doesn't friggin matter, it is how it makes me feel about myself. He has agreed to counseling, but he says he want us to go together....should I even give him that option...is counceling together a good idea, or should he just go alone...I don't think he has an addiction per se (don't see that he views it even for hours at a time) but I am afraid it can develop into one

Thank you to those who provided intelligent, supportive answers....to those of you who are unsupportive you are obviously unmarried so you don't understand how it feels to be disrespected after marriage vows have been taken. I never said that there was not a problem with me, obviously the porn is just a symptom of another problem in our marriage, so yes we BOTH should go. To the guys....you honestly don't care if your woman would look at naked men without you?

Answer 1

You are being unreasonable. You are taking a situation in which you are both participants, and trying to make it all about you, and framing yourself as a victim.

And yes, I am married, and no, I don't care if my wife looks at porn, male strippers,...

Answer 2

As far as a husband looking at porn, yes that happens every day and almost in every marriage (those who say different are in denial) but the point is you have asked him to stop and he has not. What did he say when you asked him to stop? If he said he would and did not that would open the door to dishonesty. If he didn't say he would stop and hasn't then, well, that is that. I would say approach him about how it makes you feel and see if he understands. You also say there is another problem and this is just a symptom; in that case, yes joint counseling would probably help you but it is something you must both be open to or it will make no difference. Counseling is a way to allow you both to discuss what you really feel and what you both expect in a healthy environment with someone there as a sounding board and to interfere if one of you gets too upset. Sounding out your issues should be a helpful process and should be good for your marriage. If he is willing to go that is a good sign. Just be sure that you are both respectful of each other and if there is still the commitment necessary for marriage you will be able to work thru your issues.

P.S.
My husband has been known to look at porn from time to time and it did at one point develop further in to "online" communication, including sex chat, so I personally do think it can be a dangerous avenue to explore....

Best of Luck!!

Answer 3

Some of these people are nuts. I understand exactly how you feel. Just thinking about my husband looking at any type of porn gets me upset and makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I don't think you should run out and get a divorce like some suggested. I do think counseling is a great idea for the two of you to do together. People say" counseling for porn?" Well to me it isn't just because of porn. It's because of the way it makes you feel that needs counseling. He needs to understand the depth of the consequences of him looking at porn. He needs to know exactly how it makes you feel. If that doesn't stop him then I may consider divorce if the counseling doesn't help. Pray about it and your relationship and examine your half too. Look for ways to improve yourself for him. If you already do all you can to make the marriage good then keep it up! good luck with this. So many people take porn so lightly and I dont believe it should be taken lightly. It destroys families and relationships daily. I hope this all works out great for you.

Answer 4

Counseling may be an option, but you need to sit down and express your feelings and allow him to express his..you said he is aware of your feelings, but there is a difference in talking about something openly and simply saying i"I don't like it when you,,," (this applied to male & female)..I do not think there is anything wrong with looking at porn on the computer for a man or a women..it would not bother me at all if my wife did..it's only a picture.

Answer 5

Okay, I have looked at the other answers, and no one seems to be supportive of you. i am different. I feel the same way that you do. Porn is infidelity, plain and simple. They may not be slleping with these women pysically, but they are mentally cheating on their wives.

Not all men look at porn, my husband has the additude that it's all fake and airbrushed and he has the real thing right here. My bf's hubby watches porn all the time, goes to strip clubs, and lies about it. He has also cheated numerous times, and recently it caught up to him and he brought home an STD. Movies with them aren't an issue, because she will watch with him, but when she's at work and he sits and watches it all the time, or gets on the internet to look at stuff, it hurts her. (to say the least)

Couselling can be a good thing, and maybe you ought to go with him the first one or two times, because you can explain how you feel, and he will listen. Let him know that if it doesnt stop you may leave him because you dont deserve to be treated like that. People laugh at porn addiction but it is as real as drug addiction, and should be treated as such. A guy friend of mine finally admitted to his wife that he was addicted to internet porn, so they got rid of the net. They arent in couselling, but I worry that the problem isn't over, just suspended.

As far as if you have put on weight or had kids or anything like that, Real men don't look at those changes and have less of an attraction to you because of it. I was 98 lbs when i got married nearly 7 years ago, and have been everything from a size 6 to 16 in these years. He never felt the need to cheat, or look at other women because my weight changed, I had 3 kids, and he still considers me beautiful. Real men dont change their feelings because your body changes.

Answer 6

You are way over reacting. I just heard something like this on Dr. Laura the other day. I would have to agree with her. If this is not hurting your sex life and your husband is still paying attention to you than there is NO problem with it. It is healthy. The problem is with YOU. You are taking this way too personally. You are insecure with yourself. Maybe you feel porn turns him on more than you. Get over it!

My husband looks at porn in a healthy manner and I sometimes join him. It's fun, it's healthy, it between me and my husband. Nobody cares.

Sounds like you were raised in a certain religious sect where you were taught it was wrong, disrespectful or dirty. It is natural, human, animal, and freeing.

The only thing I can say is not to download porn from a website. You'll get a sh*t load of spam!

...and yes I think you should go to a therapist... YOU should go to a therapist alone.

Answer 7

I think you should go to the counselling if its hurting you and he won't stop. It can't hurt to try and work through some of those feelings. Maybe he can learn about your point of view and you can try and understand why it hurts you so much.

I know how you feel on this one, tho I have much stronger political reasons for being against porn. Its anti-women and the guys who say they 'need' it are just being children who can't think through their own actions. I don't think there is anything wrong with sex, I just don't think the porn of our society has much to do with actual sex..in fact it demeans both sexes and sexuality and is a gross misrepresentation of women and sex in general, and reflects the shitty inequalities in our society. On top of that, alot of porn esp since the net took over, involves alot of exploitation of women in poverty and vitually no protection in terms of labour practices at all. Most women who go into porn are poor and almost all leave remaining so, so don't listen to all that 'women make more money out of it' bull. Its just an excuse for consumers to make themselves feel a little less bad about their exploitative habits.

Not all men need porn. Some can tear themselves away for a second to find out what real, unfucked up sexual expression is. I don't think I could be with a guy who was 'into' porn, as we would see the world in too different ways.

Rant over. *phew*

Good luck with everything.

Answer 8

yes you should go to counseling with him. you want the problem solved and he's offereing away to solve it. so go. but can i say this i understand how it makes you feel unwanted and all that stuff. at least from my perspective of why i look at it i take lessons from them. im not trying to be gross or immature just trying to shed light on the subject. i think before you guys go to counseling you should try and sit down and discuss expectations that you have of each other in the bedroom. maybe he watches it for the same reasons i do or maybe he watches it because he likes the stuff he see in there and wants to try it with you. i dont know you should talk to him about this. porn is not all that bad it can be a helpful tool in a relationship. just remember set and stick to your boundaries and make sure your partner is aware of those said boundaries. the key to a happy relationship is communication

Answer 9

You should try sitting and watching it with him, WITHOUT GETTING JELOUS! Laugh at the funny parts, in which there are many, then give him something to think about BESIDES the other women in the movies.

If you are not comfortable with that at all, then I would definitely go to counseling with him, as it sounds like you have as much of a problem with it as he does.

Yes, there is such thing as porn addiction, believe me my ex was addicted to it, but usually when it goes that far it is because there is something else lacking in the marriage, unfortunately.

Answer 10

No not all men look at porn and if your husband has any respect/love for you he would not do it especially knowing how it makes you feel. If you were ok with it or enjoyed looking at it yourself or together with him then there would be no problem. I know couples who enjoy it together, it spices up their relationship ( so they say) but like anything else it has to be ok with all parties involved, if not, then it is wrong. Yes you should go to counseling with him as this is a problem for both of you if it is upsetting you this much.

Answer 11

Watching porn can have a lot of non-sexual reasons, like isolation, boredom, etc. Try to find out what kind of frustration he wants to escape.

I have found only one profound self-help book mentioning this theory on the net - although it is not in a very good English - see below.