What to do about pressures from family members wanting me to get married and have kids?

Question

I'm in my early 20's and pursuing a college degree. In my culture most people are married and have at least one child by the age of 20. However, I came here when I was a few years old and have a completely different mentality than my family members. I don't feel anywhere near being ready to get married and start a family. I want to finish college, work on my career, and then, once I feel that I am independent and completely self sufficient, focus on marriage and kids. My parents tell me that I am being selfish by pushing off having kids at a later time - they say that it's much better for kids to have young parents who can relate to them more and have a longer life span which translates to having parents around for a longer time. Last week during a family gathering, my aunt said that I could have had two kids by now. I'm feeling very pressured to pace myself, but I don't feel like I am ready.

My family doesn't understand the concept of "feeling ready" before puruing a marriage and family. They are saying that by the time I will feel ready, most of the available, good men will be taken, and the rest will settle for younger women. I guess there is some truth to that, but I still feel that I have to be true to myself and not do things by someone elses timeline, but at my own pace. I'm not sure what to do. I would appreciate some serious feedback.

Answer 1

Wow do I have a lot in common with you. What I tell them is, I want to be secure enough financially so my kids can live comfortably and right now my education is the most important ( I am working on a Masters) As to why I don't get married? My boyfriend and I want to save as much money as possible first, and we cannot do that without the education and time to do so. I am 26, and not ready. You need to tell your parents to love you unconditionally and support each decison YOU make.

Answer 2

Good for you!
You are pursuing an education, a career, wanting to be self-sufficient, .... THAT'S FANTASTIC!!!

There are a few possible reasons why your family (especially the women, I bet) are making these comments:
1) That's how they were raised
2) They're jealous.
3) They didn't get this choice or oppurtunity (education)
4) They weren't strong enough to think for themselves and follow thru and stand up for their convictions (education)
5) They thought it'd be easier to marry and have kids rather than pursue an education or a careerT
6) They didn't WANT to be self-sufficient
And lastly, any combination of these reasons.

You sound like a mature, intelligent person...you should pity these people. AND that's exactly how you should feel, think about it, and respond. The next time you have to handle this, remember, think pity, how sad for them...and then SAY that (politely, of course). Just listen to them, then shake your head and say, "I'm so sorry that you weren't"__________(fill in the blank): given the oppurtunity to further your education" or "....able to make your own decisions about your life and future" or anything similar to that...full of pity, of course. They may try to disagree but 1st you'll have thrown them off-guard by abit of the truth AND by the fact that YOU truly feel sorry for THEM!
Remember that, believe it, you are doing great!
And, when love and the right person come around, that person is going to be very lucky to have you! But don't worry about "focusing" on marriage and kids...it will happen when it's meant to....especially because you will be around other inteligent, good people (at school, in your career,...). (Your family members didn't have much to choose from did they? YOU will have many more oppurtunities then they did to find TRUE love!)
Good luck, take care!

Answer 3

I think you are right. Finish school, work on your career then worry about marriage and kids. No one can tell you when your ready. Your parents think you will get married and have a husband to take care of you. That is not today's world. I would tell them that when your ready you will let them know and also people are living longer so don't worry about the age thing your young and have plenty of time for kids and marriage. Enjoy the single life and work on your career as that is what is important Now..

Answer 4

I totally can relate. The way I deal with that sort of thing is just telling them that I am not ready and that if I did get married and have children, they would suffer. I also let them know that I am not financially ready and ask if they wanna pay for the children til they're 18. Plus college! Some families wont back down, but you gotta keep doing what you think is right, because like I said, if you make the mistake of doing these things before you are ready, they certainly cannot be undone!!!!!

Answer 5

You are the one that is going to be raising those children, not your family so it is totally up to you! Don't let them pressure you into moving your life in a direction you don't want to take it too. I think it is really awesome that you are pursuing a college degree! I had my daughter at 18 years old (married too) and I only attended college for 1 year so I have no degree. I don't have a career, I have a job. I don't regret having my daughter because I love her dearly but I didn't plan to have her and it totally changed the outcome of my life. I am honestly appalled that someone would say something like that to you about that you could have had 2 kids by now and don't see your pursuit of a college degree as a great achievement. It is YOUR life, you have to live it. Ignore their remarks and don't let them pressure you into anything or you will regret it the rest of your life.

Answer 6

I'm sure your family wants the best for you, but this is a decision you have to make on your own, in your own time, whether or not they understand. You said yourself you aren't ready. You have goals for yourself and want to spend some time living yourself before you commit to a man and children. You sound like a smart person. Don't let anyone force you into a loveless , unfulfilling marriage. Follow your dreams, take your time and meet the right man and have a family when you feel you it will make you happy and content as a person. You will be a better parent and wife if you are content within yourself first. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Would you rather second guess yourself, have kids, and then deal with unfulfilled desires, rely on a husband for ALL your financial needs, grapple with your own personality development and that of your kids and wonder what you're missing? Or would you rather be older, surer of yourself and hence have a better chance at a better spouse who will respect you more because you can take care of yourself and....have better stories to tell your kids and grandkids. I am 32, married and no kids and under the very same pressure. Just grin and bear it and if they get in your face, tell them they're getting personal and that when you finally tie the knot and get pregnant, they will be the first to know. Just don't rush into it if you're not ready. Definitely don't marry if you're not earning independently, and don't marry if there are no sparks. Oh, and never tell him about that savings account that gets at least 1/3 of your salary for your own use and security. Trust me hon, you have time to figure it all out.

Answer 8

My daughter is in her late 20's, still single, and will be receiving her MBA in August of this year. I could not be prouder. She has done what most only dream of doing. Should she ever have a baby (with or without marriage), I would be delighted, but she needs to be ready, and quite frankly why do you think grand parents are so good for your children? Because they are much calmer, waiting is not only good for you, it's good for your future children. All the good men? Honey, remember how many people are divorced. Good men come in all ages. Be happy, and let your family know that if you had children now, they would have to raise them, but you want to wait until YOU can enjoy them,and to rest on the subject, or you may come around less often, so they will not only miss grandchildren, but they will soon miss you, too.

Answer 9

You need to stress the importance of your education to you and how being married with children at this point would harm your dream. I have went to great lengths to stress the amount of time I need for law school and how I would like to have someone, but I do not think I could be a good husband while being a law student.

This seems to have worked with my family and most people in my community. I come from a community where people get married by they are 23 and I do not see myself being married in a year and half. Most understand my career aspirations, but those who do not will not no matter what I do.

Answer 10

You need to sit them down and say I came here when I was a few years old meaning I have a different sense of life then our culture or then your beliefs and Im sorry but Im not ready to have kids and get married I want to have enough money and a good job so I can support my family and Im sure that I can relate to my children no matter my age and I would appreciate it if you saw things and put yourself in my shoes and Im sorry that I dont agree with how you want me to live but its the best thing for me to do.


-Brianna