How to handle verbal abuse from future spouse?

Question

My fiance' has a lets say "habit" of swearing at me when I wont "shut up". When we are arguing he will say something that I dont like or agree with and start to argue back and he tells me to shut up. If I stop talking when he says he doesnt want to discuss the situation further there will be no talk of the prior situation at any point down the road.(I have tried this).
So when I continue to "argue" with him he will proceed to call me a f_ _ _ _ _ _ b_ _ _ _ _ or the famous c word added in . I told him that this hurts me when he talks to me like this and he says that he feels bad and doesnt want to call me names but its the only way he can get me to shut up so he says cause I usually end up crying or shutting up cause I am apalled at what he just said. I told him he has issues with anger and he says no its me that I am crazy and need to get a life.
My own mother and sister recently mentioned that they feel he has always talked down to me? How sad I never even noticed until recently.

Answer 1

Did you say, "future spouse"? You are actually going to marry this bum that calls you names like that? Tell me you're kidding! If he calls you names like that BEFORE marriage, what do you think it's going to be like on a daily basis??? He will not only call you names, in most cases, he will physically abuse you after you marry him. You need to RUN!

Answer 2

He is right, you need to get a life -- a life without him.

This is a pattern of intimidating, controlling, and abuse. If you are seldom able to discuss anything he doesn't want to, that absolutely IS controlling. I have never seen nor heard of ONE single case where an abusive person behaves better after marriage. I know several people who didn't think it was a big deal that a guy talked to them rudely, or yelled at them (because he would later say he was sorry, and how much he loved them), and each of them ended up feeling worthless, scared to stay and scared to leave.
The longer you put up with being treated this way, the more comfortable he feels in doing it. Making him apologize will only work for a short time, and in the long run will make him feel more resentful (that you don't let him control you) and more likely to be more abusive. In a way, it shows him that his current methods of forcing you to do what he wants were not enough. If you think your question was not worded quite right, or I misunderstood or overreacted because he is not like that, fine. But since I took the time to answer, would you please take a couple minutes to check out the link I listed?

Don't put yourself down for getting into this relationship. No-one has perfect judgment, and it takes time to get to really know people. Most of us were taught as children to overlook the faults of others, and be nice to everyone. Not so many of us were taught to insist that others respect us as well. So, it felt natural to overlook little things for a while. But now, you see. Do not marry this person; it will only get worse. If you find it hard to get out of this relationship, imagine yourself trying to talk to him about whether or not he should swear at your 2 yr old. (Yes, it will happen. No matter how innocent and adorable the child is, there is no parent alive who has never been pissed off with a 2 yr old's behavior at some point.) Then when he swears at you (or when that doesn't "shut you up" he hits you) and refuses to talk about it, will it be easier to leave?
Will it be easier to leave if he continues to swear at the 2 yr old?
How about if the 2 yr old learns to talk that way, too?

Answer 3

How Long have you been with Him?

I see this happening with people I know.My sister has A son with this guy that treated her this way.The son is now 9 & she finally left him about 6 months ago.
She tried to get it all to stop & have A Calm family enviroment but it never happened.We have seen it for Years with them.He was never physical towards her or the 2 kids till the end.He punched her oldest child in the head So hard that he broke his hand.About A month later her oldest son started acting strange.He was brought to A doctor & found out that he is now Bi Polar.They were told that it is VERY Possible this was brought on Because of the BLOW to his Head.He has not been the same since.
It is So Sad that it had to come to this before she left.
Now that she did Her life is Much More Calm & the boys are Happier Too!

So in ending this think about Her & Decide if You can Live that Way or Not! I know he will never change completly because that really is his Way!
Better You Know Now Before having A Child in it TOO if not Already!

Good Luck & Happy Future!

Answer 4

Well, it does not stop on your wedding day, it gets worse. It never stops. You need to back up, and think about the choice you are making here. If you decide to marry a man like this, you will probably be divorced in about 2 years. The fact that he says you need to get a life when you try to talk about the problems, is a sure sign that he truely does not feel any remorse. He only wants to pacify you so that you will stick around and take the crud he dishes out to you.

I do have to say that, I wonder why this is even a question. Wht would you even want to think of marrying someone who abuses you? Those are some of the bad decisions that have made our divorce rate sky rocket to over 50%. I am sorry for the pain you have endured, I hope you do find the good man you deserve. Please let this one go.

Answer 5

You are in a verbally abusive relationship that will only get worse as time goes by. You say that you are going to marry this person and spend the rest of your life listening to him call you demeaning names. It won't be long before those names are followed by a fist because it's the only way you will "shut up."
Your fiance' has very low self-esteen and self-worth. He is so low that (misery loves company), he doesn't even like himself, so he has to make you feel as bad as he does. He has to be the one in controll that's why the fighting does not stop untill he has shut you down. His power comes from the reactions he get from you. Take away the actions and you take away his power. The next time an argument arises, stop yourself from playing into it. Walk away and tell him in a calm voice (and I mean one that shows no emotion) If we can't talk about this without yelling and name calling, then I won't allow this to go any farther. Then leave if you have to. If he tries to force you to stay and fight, sit quietly, listen to what he has to say. (All the while you will have to keep reminding yourself to stay calm, no matter what he says or does.) If you give him no baited words then the conversation should be over soon. If not, and his anger level rises then it would be a good idea to leave. If he does not let you leave and holds you against your will, then you really have a controll freak too.
His ability to bring you to tears is something that you are allowing to happen and in turn, this gives him great pleasure because he can control this. If he wants to make you cry, he will because you let him. Take that power away from him, save your tears when you are alone. Show him no emotion and you take away his power.
How can you walk around on egg shells for the rest of your life, afraid to bring up something that is important to you and needs to be "talked" about? Afraid that he will blow up, hurt your feeling and then shut you down. Your whole relationship will be a whole lot of unfinished business.
That part about you being crazy and needing a life, well, he needs to walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror at the person he's really talking about. Without you, he would have no power and that would make him crazy, and without you he would probably have no life.
There is no emotion that any one can make you feel, everything you feel, you choose to feel. If someone tries to make you feel bad, you can only feel bad if you allow it.

Answer 6

Wow, you don't think much of yourself if you allow someone else to speak to you like that. The fact that it's your fiance' is even worse. He's supposed to be your emotional support and he's verbally attacking you just so that he gets his way.

Run, don't walk, away from this relationship. Don't let the fact that you are planning a marriage with him sway you. No one deserves to be spoken to in the manner he speaks to you. He will use this bullying technique to manipulate and control you every time he wants something his way. He may become physically violent in the future. Either way, your self-esteem will become less and less until you aren't even capable of recognizing how bad his behavior is. IF you can justify and excuse his behavior toward you, please try to imagine how he would treat your children if they misbehave.

Please leave now. Don't talk yourself into thinking he will change for the better if you just love him more. It won't happen. Don't waste your life trying to change him. Go find someone that can love you and not be abusive.

If you can afford to, I suggest you visit a therapist to help figure out why you would be involved this long with an abusive person like your fiance'. It could help prevent it from happening again.

Good luck!

Answer 7

This is not something that should be taken lightly. If you have talked to your Fiance and expressed to him how his name calling makes you feel and he continues to do it than maybe its time to put the wedding on hold. Mental abuse is sometimes worse than physical, its a proven fact. You should not have to tip toe around him and you should be able to freely voice your feeling and opinions . I would maybe plan a sit down dinner at home or a your favorite restruant. I would set the mood for a loving, tender conversation and in a non confrontational way I would express to him your concern and worry. Maybe sugest that you as a couple should seek some counseling before your marriage takes place. At this point you have an unhealthy relationship and this is a recipe for disaster. If he is unwilling to seek help and work in this issue than I would not marry him and would end teh relationship. I know that this will not be easy but you have to take care of you and as much as you love him you need to love yourself more..Take care hun and please don't let this go..It will only get worse..Good luck!

Answer 8

If he is like this now- can you imagine how much worse it will get when you are married and he becomes more comfortable in the fact that you are 'his' and not going anywhere? Before I tell you to dump him, I'd have a serious talk about this before you get married!!! If those are the 'key' words he uses to get your attention and get you to be quiet.. maybe he can use a different 'key' like telling you to give him a chance to say something- or maybe you both learn how to disagree constructively. Just because you are with someone doesn't mean you have to agree on everything, but you do have to find a way to agree to disagree in a non verbally abusive manor. The current language is toxic and ugly!!! If he doesn't change or not willing to change his behavior then get out while you can, and save the money on the wedding & impending divorce and take a nice vacation!!!

Answer 9

And that is your first step. You have noticed. Why don't you write down every time he does this, keep a log. The end result may totally shock you. Verbal abuse in this capacity will eventually lead to physical abuse. Why would you want to this to yourself?. Do you not have a high opinion of yourself? If your sister told you the same thing, what advice would you give her? Remember, most husbands apologize, too when they have beaten their wifes. He sounds very controlling - first warning sign. Even if you get him to stop, it will only be temporary. Don't just walk away from him - run.

Answer 10

You should absolutely not take that kind of treatment! It's a blow to your self-esteem every time he swears at you. It's mental abuse. He is being disrespectful to you if he thinks that swearing at you is the only way to make you stop talking. He needs to learn how to have "civilized" discussions with you. It also sounds like he may need some anger management counseling. If you really love this guy, and you think that he would benefit from counseling then seek a counselor. Otherwise, get on with your life. Life is too short to be subjected to that kind of abuse.

Answer 11

OHHH NOOO, you're NOT crazy. It is NOT acceptable under ANY circumstances to swear at your significant other or call them names. Seriously - there can be no reason that can justify such behavior. He is extremely disrespectful to you, and you really shouldn't tolerate it. Next time he does this, pack your bags and get out. Believe me, you don't want to live like this for the rest of your life. I've been in several relationships, and married for the third time - and it has NEVER happened to me; no one has ever been THAT disrespectful. If you marry this guy, you'll have no one but yourself to blame. Some things are just not to be tolerated in a relationship, doesn't matter how they're being justified; the only excusable cause for such behavior is mental illness, but then he should be in the funny farm getting treatment - and you still have no business being married to him.