Wife's Drinking?

Question

I am married with 3 little boys that are great! My wife and I have been married for 3 years, I do not drink, my wife on the hand does about 1 bottle of Wine a night, I use to drink but with the boys I stopped after our youngest was born.

Our sex life is non existent. And has been this way for about a year. I am really frustrated and tired of her drinking all the time, she explains to me that its okay because she drank the bottle over the course of 3 hours. I have asked her to cut it down and she says nothing, I also said she may have a problem and she says that its my problem not hers.

I have been considering Separation, I really don't know what to do.

Answer 1

Ah, shag her in her sleep, take pictures then show her what she missed! I'll bet the drinking stops (you might go to jail though).

Answer 2

Well this could go several ways. How long has she been drinking? Does she come home and go straight for the bottle? Does she drink throughout the day? If the answer to those two questions are no then she may not have a problem. I see it as this, I am a female and enjoy drinking every night with my Fiance. I'll have either a few beers or a few glasses of wine but I don't go to the extent of getting drunk, at the most I get tipsy but that is rare. Mine is also over the course of hours. My Fiance drinks twice as much as I do but it's not consistent and he doesn't run for the bottle. Is she relaxing and drinking? If so then it doesn't sound so much of a problem. Try to talk to her in a calm way when the kids are not around.

Answer 3

Okay, that's what , three to four glasses a night?? Is she stumbling, slurring her speech, leaving the food out , ignoring the kids,??? It would be better if she could stretch that bottle to least two nights. Do the math. That bottle is probably around at least
$ 10.00 a night... that's $300 a month that could go to better use.
But there's a bigger issue here. She is drinking to make up for a void in her life. Unless that void is addressed, this situation will not get better. For now, don't say anything about the wine bottle, but do look for clues .
My guess she may be on auto pilot .... work, take care of boys/home/husband/ make small talk/ sleep.... get up and repeat the whole process. The fun loving girl she was has slipped away, and just maybe this is what the wine bottle numbs for a short while.

Answer 4

Keep in mind your wife takes great care of your sons and your home. She probably has no other outlet and feels very stressed. She doesn't drink all day- she just likes to relax to some wine. I do the same thing each night. I do not have a drinking problem either. Wine is relaxing after a long day of caring for the kids and the home.

If you feel she is drinking too heavily, perhaps you should (nicely) suggest to her that she limit her intake to maybe two or three at the most each night. Remind her of the health hazards that are involved. The most important thing for you to do is be supportive of her feelings. She is trying to escape from something. Find out what and be there for her.

Answer 5

I very rarely will say this but,

You need to lay down the law on this one. Do it when she HASN'T been drinking - she won't listern if she's half-looped at the time you bring it up.

Discuss with her that you understand that 3 kids can take its toll on both of you and that perhaps her drinking is a way to escape or "unwind" from the pressures of the kids.

However, impress upon her that if drinking affects the family / homelife (which you think it is) and it affects YOUR relationship (you and her), then she does have a problem.

Ask her what she wants to do about it. Make sure she klnows in very explicit terms what you are prepared to do if she chooses NOT to address this issue. If you think you are going to leave, then you need to decide this PRIOR to your conversation and be ready to follow through.

This is NOT a bluffing situation - choose your words very carefully and be prepared to act on them. She needs to know that her drinking IS destroying her family and that she risks loosing you AND her children if she keeps it up.

Get the support of your extended family (if you can), especially her mother or father if possible.

She can go to AA meetings or Rational Recovery meetings a couple times a week in the evenings and make wonderful progress. However, she'll only beat this if SHE wants to.

If she doesn't want to, then you've already got your answer on how she feels about you and the kids - she is choosing the bottle over her family.

Then the only question that you can answer at that point is, what do YOU do about it.

This is a sh*tty situation to be in. I know - been there myself. She needs to have a mirror held up to the situation and know that life cannot be like this for the next 20 years. If she cares about you and her kids, she'll make the correct choice, if not - then YOU need to make the correct choice for your children.

I would HIGHLY suggest Retional Recovery over AA, as RR teaches a path of personal responsiblity and a person's free-will being able to overcome Alcoholism. AA is all about being a victim to the bottle / its an illness / etc.... Which is fine - it might get people to quit - however it entraps them into the thought that they can NEVER make it on their own, thus must remain in the group indefinately to stay sober. Thus, there is never a cure for the addiction.

As someone who has come through this with MY wife and as a healthcare provider, I believe this is complete B.S.

AA will help them to stop drinking - RR will help them to stop drinking and personally empower them to CHOOSE not to drink anymore. Free will is a powerful thing.

Best of luck to you - I don't envy your situation. Make decisions that are right for your family.

Answer 6

She definitely has a problem. It's not normal for 1 person to consume a whole bottle of wine in one night - even if it is over the course of 3 hours. The fact that she does this every night is not good. It seems you've done everything you can by talking to her about it.

First, you need to know your options BEFORE taking any more action with your wife. TAlk to a lawyer ASAP - he will be able to tell you what you need to consider NOW before possibly seeking a divorce down the line like photos of her drinking or proof that she does it every night. He or she will be able to advise you in that way.

Then, I would sit her down and try talking to her one more time and let her know the seriousness of her actions. I would say as nicely as possible that you love her, are concerned about her drinking, point out that she does it EVERY night and say "if you are so sure you don't have a problem with it, I want to see you go 1 week without having any alcohol - if you can do it, then i'll know you aren't addicted." I would also let her know you are willing to leave her and take the kids if she chooses to keep drinking. she needs to go to rehab.

Answer 7

AA and counselling. obviously something in her life is driving her to this behavior. while i think a couple of glasses of wine once in a while isn't a big deal, i think every night and her attitude is indicative of someone with a problem of some sort.

you need to try and get her some help and if she won't go, then you go alone. if nothing else it will give you some perspective on the situation and guidance as to what to do.

having said that, three kids in three years is tiring on a person's body and emotions. she needs support and help with the kids and the house - i have no doubt she is too exhausted for sex. and i think you could show a little more sympathy for her plight. are you helping around the house or just sitting complaining about her to the lot of us?

separation is a last resort, you have children and you don't want to take them away from their mum if you don't have to. and if you are using this as an excuse to run out on your family then shame on you.

so instead of sitting here whining about it all, be a man, step up to the plate and help her! only immature little boys pi.ss and moan about it all!

Answer 8

Give her an ultimatum. Either she begins an intensive in-patient alcohol treatment program that you will support her through to completion.

If not you will have to separate, taking the boys with you in order to provide them with a healthy environment for them to grow up. You can't make a person get the help they need and therefore change their life. The total dedication, strength, lifestyle change and self respect needed to tackle this kind of treatment requires nothing less than a complete life long commitment from the addict. Since she's a mother, maybe the prospect of her kids being raised in a home where she is not a member could wake her up.

Answer 9

A bottle of wine a night is a bit excessive. To drink it in 3 hours is also pretty fast. I would go to Al-Anon meetings if I was you for support from other people in your situation. She will never get help if she doesn't see it as a problem, but that doesn't mean you should just sit around and watch.

Answer 10

Well obviously you love your wife, or you would not be so concerned. Maybe you should do an intervention. My older sister used to smoke Meth so my family did an intervention with her. See, my sister worked for my dad so my dad told her they were going to look at new computer systems when in reality he walked her into a counselors office with me, my mother, grandparents, and aunt. We all confronted her (with the counselor). My sister also has a daughter, though her daughter wasn't present for the intervention, we kept bringing her daughter up. At first my sister was upset and denied everything but after and hour or two she realized she had a problem and she realized how much we all cared and wanted to help her or get her help. My sister agreed to a 90 rehab program and has been clean for 2 years.

Good Luck!!

And don't stay married to your wife b/c of your kids, my parents tried that for 13 years and we all knew they were miserable and we were too.

Answer 11

Talk to her about her drinking. She will need to talk to a therapist to get a handle on why she is drinking. Also, AA meetings would be very beneficial. Do not enable her to drink in any way. In other words, don't buy her wine, don't make excuses for her to others, don't clean up her messes. If she refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem or refuses to seek help then separation may be something to consider. Best of luck.