Not a good Person. What Course of action?

Question

I am a married mother of 3 wonderful young adults. I have been having an affair on & off for about 4 years. The person is in our circle of friends all of our lives, who is also married, kids same age. We all interact on a regular basis. I adore this man. He is good conversation, sex, intellegent & fun as hell. I/we have decided many times that this is wrong, we can't do this and have stopped....until next time. It seems each time we see each other, we get closer, then decide to stop again. I miss him like crazy when we don't talk, and he is nine times out of ten the one that calls me and says hello....thats all it takes. He has called to say hello and he misses me again. I told him I feel the same, but we CAN'T DO THIS. Two days and I've stuck to my guns, but I want to call him back so badly. I miss him too...but I am thinking of how terrible it is to to this to someone. I try very hard to be the best person I can be. Anyone ever have this situation? Any advice?

Answer 1

I've been on the recieving end of a friend sleeping with my husband and her husband was my husbands best friend, so I am never happy when I read questions about sleeping with someone when you are married. NOTHING in the world makes it right. NOT how good he is, or how great you get along, or even if he and his wife were having troubles, NOT even if it is the greatest sex you have ever had. Now no One can change your feelings for this man and I am not here to try. You are going to do whatever it is you WANT to do. So I'll leave you with this.
When I found out my husband was sleeping with this ----, I packed my clothes and left. He did not hear from us for almost 4 months. He loved his little girl with all of his heart, and claimed he loved me. Can you imagine the hurt and empyness he must have felt when he came home to an empty house? That is something I live with everyday of my life because some ---- thought she had a RIGHT to sleep with my husband. Her life went on as nornmal for her and her husband...MY husband lost everything, he lost the love of a good woman and precious time with his little girl, time that can never be made up...it is lost forever. He went from woman to woman but he never found that again.

I had a best friend cheat with a man she just "Couldn't live without" she saw him everytime she had a chance, she never thought about the feelings of "His Wife", her famous saying was always " IF he was happy at home he wouldn't be with me." For 5 years they dated and he swore he loved her, she swore it was the greatest sex she had ever had. His wife held on until she could stand it no more. All he had talked about with my friend was them getting married and raising a family. After his divorce they had a beautiful (EXPENSIVE) wedding. NOTHING was too good for the love of his life. 2 years latter she had a beautiful child, and another the next year. By the following year she was on my doorstep crying her eyes out, she just couldn't believe he was sleeping with another woman."HOW could he do this to me, she cried. I thought he LOVED me, I stayed with him all those years, I had a wonderful family.?OH, HOW could this happen to me, she cried.? My only answer was....HIS WIFE ASKED THAT SAME QUESTION 7 years ago.
Take a walk in his wife's shoes for a moment....see if they "CRAMP YOUR STYLE" . If you can face yourself in the mirror and feel good about yourself...then no one can help you. But remember most times "What goes around...Comes around".
You have a chance to make things right for yourself. What you have been doing you can not change (That is the sad thing about life,,,all the times in our latter years when we wish we could turn back the hands of time and do something different..WE CAN'T) TODAY you can take a stand and make a choice, to better your tomorrows.
Good luck .

Answer 2

I can understand how you feel. I was in a sort of similar situation not too long ago. I would suggest that you move out on your own. Spend some time in your own head without the influences of either man. Try to think clearly about what you want and why you want it. Not "what's the right thing to do for everyone involved?" but rather "what do I ideally want my life to be like?" Start with what YOU want and need. Then when you feel like you have your head wrapped around that, you can start to balance it fairly with the needs of the other people you care about (especially your kids). You know how when you're on a plane and the flight attendant is giving the speech about securing your own oxygen mask first before trying to help others with theirs? It's like that. You're not going to be effective as a wife or mother if you're miserable in your life and not getting what you need.
And you are NOT a bad person. You're a confused person in a difficult and painful situation. My heart goes out to you and I hope you're able to resolve it in a way that ultimately makes your life better. All the best.

Answer 3

It's hard knowing exactly what position you are in from that little amount of information, but to me...it sounds like you fell out of love with your husband quite some time ago...and have found that crazy spark once again in this friend of yours.

I was with the same guys for seven years...the spark died down and I found myself falling for a friend. I left my fiance on very bad terms because I had such strong feelings for this other person...that I disregarded his. It killed him to see me run straight into the arms of another man...and two years later...I still hate myself for it.

You deserve to be happy in life no matter what. However, who's to say that this excitement you feel isn't just because it's daring and new and you don't get to see each other all the time. You are cheating on your husband...and he his wife...and neither of them deserve that. You need to tell your husband you're not happy and discuss a seperation. DO NOT go straight to this other man. You will break your husbands heart. You need to take time for yourself. Find closure in your ended marriage and really take time to get over all those years you've put into it. You can't go straight from one to another...no matter how bad the butterflies in your stomach are.

You must talk with your husband. Don't do what I did and leave the man that has cared so deeply for so long, in an instant. You may find yourself a few years down the road deeply regretting the decision you made...with no way to go back. I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make.

Answer 4

I can tell you. As hard as it may seem. You must stop. It’s going to be hard to, but stop picking up the phone when he calls, stop any connection with him. It really has to be a sudden stop, just move on and stop thinking about him. Of course, you will think of him, but just let it go. You are married. In the end, your husband will probably find out, or he already knows. When you tell him, it will be hard. If you ever decide to tell him that is. You will feel less stress and see in the end that your husband is all that you ever wanted.
This is a situation that I have lived through. It was all secrets. And I knew that I didn’t want to leave him, but I still couldn’t stop talking to the other man. For some reason, I felt better when I talked to him because it was something new, someone who actually showed interest in what I had to say and what I looked like. All those new feelings with a new relationship. I know you’ve been doing this for years, but it still gives the same feelings, right?

Well, take a moment and step into reality. Really think about what your husband is going to feel and what it will mean. Because the ultimate decision is on him. What if he wants to leave you? What will it be like to be alone again? Because the other man you are with is already married. He doesn’t have to tell his wife. I’m not trying to sound mean. These are just things that I thought about and well, in the end, I told him and I just snapped. Because I felt selfish, wrong, and now I feel like I am walking on egg shells just to get through this. It’s hard for us to have sex now. It’s hard for everything. And this is really something that has taken our relationship and shifted it. We are still together, but it is because he decided that I was it for him, and that’s that.


I have learned so much through my experience. Marriage is about commitment. It’s not about love, sometimes it is, but it’s about so many things. Sometimes you will hate your husband, and sometimes you will love him. But in the end, it’s all about commitment. Are you ready for something like that? Because it seems like for a long time that you have not been committed.


Just think about how important your relationship is. Imagine having to look your kids in the eyes and tell them that you and your husband are getting a divorce. Its truly heartbreaking. Moreover, telling your husband what you have done. It takes a strong woman to be able to get through this, but trust me, it is so much worth it. Tell him now, because things have gotten to the point where you are feeling that you cannot be without him.

Answer 5

Dear D S,

Lets be practical,
You like him call him back!

You have me backing you!
At your stage of life life tends to get insipid and if you still have some left why not let it be your way.
So go ahead.

To safeguard other aspects let it be in a clandestine manner as ever.
Let NoBody know of it.
Let Nobody affected by it
and do not be in delusion that marrying would be better!

Although i am too young to answer (just 31) but this is out of best of my wisdom live your way and let others have the credit!

Hope you got the answer

Cheer Up!

Answer 6

You are doing it. Why are you still married to someone you don't love? Your behavior says you have no respect for your current husband, and certainly no honor since you cannot be honest about your true desires. Part of the appeal of cheating is that it feels exciting. Apparently you feel this excitement is worth destroying your marriage, which you have done.

Get a lawyer and get a divorce. You cannot use your children as an excuse, they are grown. Stop lying to yourself and to your husband and let him go free. Maybe he can still find someone of good character to spend his life with. And you and your play partner can enjoy whatever it was that you felt was better than what you had.

Answer 7

You need to tell your husband the truth! I'm sure one side of you is worried about braking up your family and the other side just wants to be with the man you really love. It's best to stop cheating and tell your husband right away (and your lover should tell his wife the truth too) If you don't have the guts to come clean about it.....just be friends with your lover.