Need a womans opinion, please read entire question.?

Question

Have been in a relationship for 7 months now with a woman i have admired for 8 years. We get along fine. she has been divorced for 6 years and is very afraid to enter into another committed relationship. Problem is she runs hot and cold. One day she is ready for marraige, next day she is thinking about calling off our relationship. No exageration. Her excuses range from "she needs space to decide", to "God showed her in a dream to get back in church" and stop this "distracting" relationship". We have "stopped " seeing each other too many times to count but one or the other will initiate contact after a few days. I have always chalked this up to her fears but it is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally. (ive lost 15 lbs in the last month and i wasnt overwieght)
Her past relationships have all been with alchaholics, i am NOT. She says i treat her better than shes ever been treated. other factors, but space doesnt allow explantion. question is, more patience or move on?

Thx all for your answers. very tough for me. other factors are in play as i stated and i wish i could elaborate, but concencious is move on.
For the record i have spoken to her several times about this issue but in the end it repeats itself continually.
Darn these affairs of the heart. how do you move on from what means so much too you? But, then again, guess you cant lose something you never really had.

Answer 1

That's a tough one and enduring all you have, tells me that you really like this girl. Maybe it best that you guys get some time apart this way you'll both be able to do some soul searching and find out if you guys are really right for one another. Personally, I think that before one enters a committed relationship, one must be committed or decided in ones thoughts and emotions and not so indecisive because it's not fair to the other person giving their all which in this case, is you.

Answer 2

You say that you have known her for 8 years and been in a relationship for only 7 months. You don't say how well the two of you had known each other before the relationship started? Or did you admire her from afar and finally gotten to get with her? Bottom line, you were already in love with her when the relationship started. Seven months, in the whole scheme of things, is a very short time for any relationship. It takes years sometimes for true love to happen. Love is patient and kind not hurried and blind.
She has also been the victim of abuse because I have yet to meet an unabusive drunk. This is something that she may never overcome without the help of counseling. But this dream stuff about God is another thing. God is all about love, not just loving others but also loving yourself and God. We are capable of more love than any one person can imagine. Maybe she just is not ready for marriage or the overpowering relationship that you want. If you truly love something, let it go {without trying to hold onto it}. If it comes back, then it was meant to be.

Answer 3

Ok...first off, I know this has got to be rough on you. As a wife and a daughter of alcoholics, I can give a little insight to what maybe is going on with her. I also have a friend who just got out of a BAD relationship with an alcoholic. This woman knows no other than a bad relationship it seems like. Even though she has known you for years, etc. she is afraid. The way you treat her is probably too good to be true in her eyes. Most alcoholics are nasty and mean cheaters, liars, etc. She doesn't know what is coming next. She can't predict anything. She has been in those types of relationships for so long that that is her way of life. Like they say, change is good, but depending on your (and her) age, change is HARD. My husband is almost 40. We've been married going on 3 years and I am his first and only wife. We have a daughter that is 14 months old. He is STILL trying to adapt to change. I did have this commitment problem with him in the beginning to because he had never really been with anyone. The only thing that I can tell you to do is not push her. Make sure that the two of you TALK. You have NOTHING without communication. Make sure you tell her you are there for her, etc. In the meantime, have fun. Go to dinner, movies, the park, hang out and BBQ, go see friends, just be together like friends. That is the best way to build a relationship up. And if it goes too long for you w/o a commitment from her, then I suppose you'll just have to move on.

Answer 4

Although you have only been dating for 7 months, I assume "admired" means you have been friends for the 8 years. In this case, it seems that she knows that you are for real in the way you treat her. I'm sure she is scared because she has been burned in the past but if after 6 years of divorce she can't let it go and allow herself to be happy with someone who is willing to give her the world then it's probably time to move on. If I were you, I would give her the "space" she has been looking for and move out (if you live together) and don't call or contact her. Tell her before you go that you are serious about this relationship and are willing to give her this space but for her not to contact you until she is just as serious. Explain what her games are doing to you and how un-healthy it is for both of you. If she doesn't come around then stop wasting your time on someone that isn't going to treat you the way YOU deserve to be treated. Relationships are a two way street and both parties deserve mutual respect.

Answer 5

She has been divorced for SIX years, and is still "afraid" to enter a committed relationship? Sounds like you're wasting your time here, buddy - not just that, you're putting your emotional peace on the line. From the way you describe her, she is extremely dysfunctional. Yes, we all get hurt - but moving on is a part of life. When one can't move on, they end up being miserable, and making everyone else around them miserable. Don't be sucked into this vortex. Just as an example, I too have been divorced for 6+ years - but c'mon; however traumatic the experience was, it's in the past! I'm re-married, and have been with my husband for 2.5 years; times are different, I'm different, I'm with a different person - I can't be dwelling on things that happened 5-10 years ago. Drop this woman like a hot potato.

Answer 6

I would say that she has a lot of pent up fears and frustations and some extra baggage that she has not releaved herself of. The two of you really need to sit and talk about the relationship and where you think it's going. To say that you have lost weight over this is not a good thing. It is taking its toll on you. I believe it is wearing the love thin. Obviously, there is no balance here - and no marriage should even be considered. She is definitely afraid that the good thing will walk away. If you really love her and want to keep this relationship, then you need to talk it out (consider some outside help together). If you think it's getting to be too much - you might consider other alternatives.

Answer 7

A majority of the time, people choose a certain type of person and follow a pattern with relationships. She may be so used to being with an alcoholic and that she is not comfortable with a "healthy" person. She probably has a whole set of issues that have nothing to do with you. I think you should tell her how you are feeling and let her know you would like some couples counseling. Good luck and don't sell yourself short! If she can't commit, find a woman who will appreciate a good man. We are out there, I promise!

Answer 8

You're darling - and you should move on.

Now, if she was willing to examine why she falls in with riff-raff etc. and take the necessary steps to correct this and actually fall for a nice guy like you then I'd tell you to stay and support her recovery.

Problem is, change is difficult - it requires examining all the things we don't like about ourselves. It's unpleasant and we don't want to have to do anything unpleasant.

Besides, where's the drama in that!? It's ever so much more exciting to always be on the brink of decision and all that stuff.

Since, by her actions (don't listen to her words right now) she likes the drama and upheaval she's causing to both herself - and to you - by NOT making those changes to her life - she is a liability. See, as long as you're sympathetic too her woes - mostly self-inflicted, by the way, she won't change. She likes the drama too much.

So, what she is, is toxic. Unless she gets some serious counseling - and quickly, I might add; she's not worthy of a nice man.

So speak with her about getting some counseling - and watch to see if she actually puts what she learns into practice. If she does - then support her. If she doesn't - and I strongly suspect she won't - then move on.

Answer 9

I would think that any relationship that is taking a toll on your mental and physical health isn't a good one. I understand that relationships have difficult times, but look at the pros and cons of it all, that may help you decide. Also, if your not happy and your not fully committed (marriage or long relationship) you may be able to find happiness elsewhere. You have only been together for 7 months and it is difficult for you, just ask yourself.. "do I want to feel like this for the rest of my life?" Best of luck in your decision.

Answer 10

I'll tell you the truth.

She's giving you a wide variety of excuses of why not, but the truth is that she is NOT interested in you romantically.

Although she appretiates you, she is obvioulsy rooting for someone else. She's not commitment minded, not in general, only commitment phobic with you.

I'm sorry to say that this woman is addicted to drama and having a normal and real relationship doesn't seem to atract her. See the parttern of her relationships?? She is still attracted to the alcoholic-abusive type and is looking for the same.

She keeps in contact "after a few days" because women enjoy the flattery of having someome "there" to boost our confidence when we really do not have real intentions to have a relationship with them.

A woman that wants someone will go all teh way and out of her way to be with you. She keeps on giving you excuses because, your are a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she is really not into you.

Sorry, it;s time to let go or else, she will keep on playing with your feelings.

You are her doormat. Have some self respect and say good bye...for good.

Good luck