If you had 14 years in your relationship with your husband would you walk away b/c you couldnt have his baby?

Question

my husband and i have been together for 14 years(married 6) and having children was always a goal of ours. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and he has none. I had the surgeries to correct my problem but even with fertility drugs we were still unable to concieve. Last July I had to have a radical hysterectomy due to signs of cervical cancer returning. After recoverey my husband tells me he doesnt know if we can stay together or nt b/c of baby issue. We are still together now but I feel guilty for not being able to provide him with his greatest need. He says he loves me and doesnt want to lose me but he still cant forget his desire for a child. He has even suggested that we separate for a time so he can go and have this child with someone else then come back home to me with baby in tow. Now I think this is a recipe for disaster b/c it just leaves too many ?, for him, me, the baby, and that baby's mother. I have always thought that if i couldnt fulfill this i would walk, doUno

Answer 1

I feel for both you and your husband. This is an issue that truly can make or break a marriage. I am so sorry that your husband is unable to look beyond your ability to conceive. Have you thought of adoption? Surrogate Mother? The worse thing he can do is leave you - have a baby with someone else -and return with a baby in tow. This would have to be a decision that the both of you make with a candidate who is completely aware of the terms and agree. It might even involve legal intervention. (people can change their minds....then what?) The point is - are you both willing to give up your marriage for this reason? If he is wiling to walk away in spite of your years together - then so be it. If your love will not carry you through this challenge, I suppose that there is no other recourse. I am so sorry for both of you and I pray that you can work things out. Being able to parent is a wonderful gift, but it does not define you as a person, it does not mean you are inadequate. It can open doors for you to envelop other children that you can choose to love and who would love you because they were chosen. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Ok- First of all you have nothing to be guilty about. You have medical problems that are beyond your control for the most part. Well Cervical cancer can be an STD, but not always- that would be the only way this could be your fault. Even still, if he is that shallow, you are better off without him. If he wants children so badly, then he should do what thousands of other couples do in that situation and adopt one. I know of a couple where she can't get pregnant- they really wanted kids and adoption would not work out for them- so they made a very tough decision that they can't be parents. So they have put their focus in other things they love. And in the mean time They help other people with their children- kinda parents by proxy. He should just accept your daughter as his and treat her as he would his own child. If he can't do that, then you and your daughter are better off without him. Sounds to me like he doesn't have a very strong character.

I think that is a stupid idea. It IS a recipe for disaster. He goes out and knocks up some other chick, then she is in your life forever to raise the baby, and you will always have this thing looming in the background that if you can't fulfill his every desire, that he will just go find another woman who can.

I would just loose the loser and focus on your daughter. If she is from a previous relationship and you have been together 14 years, then she is probably pretty close to being grown. How sad for her having a step dad who doesn't accept her. If he is willing to turn his back on her by leaving you just because you can't have children, then he does not truly accept her. Think about how is dumb arrangement will affect her- what will it teach her? It is vital that you think of her and any other children. Really just cut him loose and let him go.

Answer 3

First of all I think he is being very selfish. Have you ever asked him what he would feel like if the shoe was on the other foot? What if you two couldnt concieve because of him? Second of all, just because you cannot carry a child doesnt mean that you couldn't have a serrogate mother. I am sure there is someone you know that will be happy to help you out. Also, there is always adoption. If he wants a child that badly then there are other options for you two instead of him going off and basically cheating on you to impregnate another woman with his child. Does he even know what it might make you feel like? You are the one that is going to have to look at that child and know it is not yours. I wish you the best of luck, but maybe he isn't right for you.

Answer 4

Wow. If that's the kind of love, understanding and commitment that a 14 year relationship produces, I would be having a big rethink if I were you.

How dare he suggest this after you have recovered from cancer? It's not only him that has lost the chance for a child. You also wanted a child with him The fact that you already have one makes no difference to the pain this must have caused you. You are lucky to be alive, and have been through a major trauma, and he's talking about leaving you to have kids with someone else?

Words cannot describe what this man's actions make me think.

You should let him go have his kids. But don't ever let him come back again.

Answer 5

He is most likely going through the stages of grief that are associated with finding out biological children aren't possible. I would not take what he says too seriously at this point.

However, if he is serious, don't even ENTERTAIN the idea of him procreating with another woman. That's wrong on every level.

There are actually many options for people who want biological children. Look into surrogacy (get an attorney whatever you do!); perhaps a relative would even carry your child for you. Don't give up yet.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Your husband is out of line - where in the marriage vows are children even mentioned? They are not as we all know not everyone can have children. It is not YOUR FAULT that you got cancer and chose to save your life (he would have made the same choice had he been facing cancer or baby making), by having surgery. He can always adopt. What he is proposing is ludicrous - what makes him think the woman would just let him have the baby? He's nuts.

Quit beating yourself up over something you had no control over and your husband's unreasonable expectations. He needs to get some therapy.

Answer 7

I to went though the samething but I did not have any kids and we were trying to have a baby and found out I could not conceive. I felt so bad cause I could not have a baby for him. We ended up adopting a baby boy we brought him from the hospital and we feel the same way about him as if I had given birth to him in fact a lot people are amazed that he is adopt cause he does look so much like us. So talk to your husband about adopting

Answer 8

I think you have more issues than lack of concieving a baby. If you even have to ask this question I would say one of you does not love the other.... If he loved you he would not leave you cause of a medical problem. Adopt?????? Many do it and there are a lot of babies out there that need parents.... but before you do that you need to make sure that you are in this for the long haul.

Answer 9

I think u 2 need couselling especially him.There are options,why worry.One can go for IVF,adoption or surrogate.If he desires his own child ,i think having his child through other woman is the best option.It wud be better if u 2 go to a gynacologist since they will give a suggestion in this case.Dont loose hope,go ahead & speak to him about these options which i have mentioned 2 u.If he luvs u he will understand u.I found out about these options when i came across it thru an article relating to it.Try surfing the net,that will also help u in finding info.Good luck!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

i seriously think that if i were u, i wouldn't even have that kind of big heart to hear him talk crap.1 reason is that he is suppose to stop himself from feeling that he needs a baby of his own if he really loves you.second reason is that he would not even care to have a baby with another woman if he loves you.third reason is that you did try your best to give him the child but it is impossible.if your daughter still stay with you now, i think he does not love you enough because i feel that he just wants a baby with him involving but not you.i know i sound like i am trying break you up but that's juz what i feel. talk to him about the reasons above and see if he can rebut about it. i have watched an indian movie about the same issue before, whereby, the wife allows the husband to have a child with another woman and that woman leaves the baby and the husband once the baby is born but i think it is a matter whereby who loves who more.if you love your husband more, you should let him have a child, if you think it should be the different case, i think he should be the one who is giving in.it is a matter of love and sacrifices.