any advice?

Question

I recently found out after 18 years my wife has cheated on me. It started off with an online relationship. She had a doctors appoint in a neiboring town, I stayed home with the kids, he showed up at the hotel. She said he tried to kiss her and she freaked out and screamed. She said he left, and that was the end of it, but she say she feels guilty she played on the computer and it lead up to this. She said she was only playing around because it made her feel wanted. Everyday, she has been trying really hard to fix our relationship, but I have so many mixed feelings right now. I have never cheated, and I don't know exactly what happened or what she said to lead up to this. In short, I guess I have lost my trust. Has anyone else been through this? I love her dearly, but everytime she turns on the computer, I get this bad feeling now. I have been trying very hard to give her the attention she felt she lacked, but I always have that question, why? what actually happened? Advice?

Answer 1

Before you get all self-righteous, if she hadn't been feeling so lonely and starved of affection in her marriage in the first place, she wouldn't have been tempted by online flattery.

Perhaps you should be looking a little closer to home to find who might be to blame here.

Answer 2

Well, the first place to start is taking the kids to a babysitter or grandmas and you two sitting down and discussing what you each want from this marraige. I totally understand you are feeling betrayed by your wife, but the goods news was that when confronted with a real life person she immediately knew she didn't want to pursue that course. So both of you should realize that that is a positive toward your marriage and try to get over what lead up to it or what "could" have happened, etc. You should try to enroll in couples counseling just to work on getting your marriage on the right track and then you two can take it from there. 18 years is great and you should both be proud and keep up the good work. Don't let a little fall off the wagon be the end of it all. Remember back to what brought you two together and start doing those kinds of things again (going on picnics, out to the movies, out to dinner once in awhile) and leave each other notes in your car, jacket pocket, lunchbox, whatever, and physical contact that isn't sexually related is always good for a marriage (sex is good too but physical touching without sex lets people know that you love them with no strings attached kind of thing) try massaging his feet when he is watching tv, warm up some baby oil and rub her back when she comes to bed. I get really good vibes from this e-mail, you two are going to fix things and be stronger than ever! Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Read "Not Just Friends"....great book on recovering from adultery - even emotional affairs.

At this point, she'll need to earn your trust and if that means no more computer, than that is what it is going to take...or moving the computer to a central location. Love is free but trust is earned. Sounds like she is remorseful and is working on doing the right thing now. Both of you should read that book and take a look at what led up to her making a bad decision. Remember, she chose to make that decision but both of you have a role in the marriage that contributed to her entertaining the idea. Doesn't make it right, but it is reality. Look at this as a wake up call and be grateful that you have this chance for BOTH of you to take a look at your marrige and make it better. Don't throw in the towel, you have too much to save.

I have been in your shoes and we are working on repairing our relationship. It can be very difficult when your mind starts to wander and make you crazy. Recognize those times and stop the crazy thinking...it will only damange your feelings and create more hurt and resentment.

Answer 4

Well, if you haven't left I take it that you will not leave her. I haven't quite been in this sutiuation, but I have felt neglected at home but I just brought it to his attention. What she did was wrong, but you choose to forgive her. I would suggest some marriage counseling, you can get alot out of it, it will allow both of you to express what you want (its actually the third party there that helps). Also read the bible together, it gives perfect counsel on dealing with one another Ephesians is a chapter for families. Also if you keep dwelling on what happen between the two of them, you will become vengful. Spend more time together. This is a difficult time for the both of you, but it doesn't have to be the end of you.

Answer 5

My husband also had an online relationship. He confessed months later after it was over. In an effort to restore my trust in him he suggested to shut off our internet access. That really impressed me, because he would have been giving up alot since he uses the internet for other things not personal. He said he would find a way to do without. I thought about it and told him that I didn't want to do that. So far things are going really well and we are both feeling very positive about our relationship. I don't have any suggestions about your predicament with your wife, just wanted you to know that things have worked out in our situation, and wanted you to have some hope.

Answer 6

You may or may not ever know the reason as to why. If she is making the effort to repair the trust then you should make the effort to forgive her. She made a mistake and is trying to show you that she is sorry. Perhaps it is exactly what she says, that she needed the attention and wanted to feel needed. Continue to show her the attention that she needs and maybe she will find that she doesn't need the computer as much.

Answer 7

It'll take time, but to save the marriage you need to try to get over it. She's trying, and she admitted what happened. Not many women, or men, in that situation would've done the same. That shows she actually feels badly about what happened, and you said she's trying to fix things.

But she can't try to fix things if you won't move on from the past and learn to trust her again.

Answer 8

At least she came clean about what happened but yes she did break a huge trust barrier. If she really wants to work things out then it shouldn't be a problem for her to get rid of the computer for a while on concentrate on getting things back on track with you.

Answer 9

She risked her life for an internet hook up? She risked her kids loosing their mommy over an internet hookup? Is she stupid. She could be dead. I'd say she is damn lucky to not only still have her family but her life.

Dude you own her now. She must fully and 100% willingly disclose all ingoing and outgoing email and chat. She must give you all her passwords to voice mail and email and internet accounts. You audit the phone records, and she must account for her whereabouts 24/7. If she is not willing to submit to you 100% in all these areas, no questions asked, then she is still up to no good. She gave away her rights to privacy in the marriage when she did what she did. Once you see her willingness to submit, and see no evidence of further lying, you can loosen the noose. Until them, you own her. Your way or the highway.

Answer 10

Her mistake, and she needs to do what it takes to make you feel secure with the marriage. If it takes her not using the computer again, then so be it. She asked for it. And another thing, why on earth would she meet a man she met on line at a hotel? Was she that lonely? Geez.