Please help, I'm absolutely defeated?

Question

My husband of 15 years left me for a girl young enough to be his daughter 3 years ago. He seems to have re-invented himself, dressing very young (He's 53, she's 28) and he's treated me dreadfully. I've kept a stiff upper lip, and not told me children or my family most of what he has done, I've had her texting me calling me a sad old cow, which in a funny sort of way makes me feel a bit better because it displays exactly what sort of person she is. But the fact that he has handed over my mobile number to her, and allowed that to happen is destroying me. My children would kill him if they knew, my parents would be heartbroken, so I'm saying nothing, keeping a dignified silence, but it's backfired, because he is taking courage from my lack of response, and they go past my house and he beeps the horn to make himself look the big man. He's showing off in front of her at my expense. I'm shattered that the man who I thought had a special bond with me can do this to me. PLEASE no joke answers

Answer 1

Take a step back emotionally from this situation and see how comical it appears to me, a 43 year old woman married to a 54 year old man.
This young woman is getting some kind of rush from how she feels empowered that she has broken up your marriage, but the truth is that she is still with an old geezer dirty old man and not a young buck her age and ready to have a good life and family with, and it is a false sense of empowerment to think that her youth is power, because she too will lose that soon enough. This relationship will not last! In a year or so she is going to start wondering what in the world she ever saw in your husband, and she will leave him.
Your husband knows exactly what he sees in the younger woman, and that is that he thinks having young flesh is the same as being young flesh. Wrong. He's still aging, and he's still a dirty old geezer, and no young woman can change that for him.
When this relationship ends, and I say when, not if, your husband is going to get exactly what he deserves, alone and still a dirty old geezer, and broken. At some point he is going to realize just how immature he behaved. You don't need to worry about whether justice will be served here, it's pretty much guarantteed.
I see nothing wrong with telling your children and family the facts of his behavior. They deserve to know who their father is. There is nothing wrong with seeking comfort in your family members during your husband's second childhood.
Get a new cell phone number, and tell your family why you have a new cell phone number and why they are to be very careful in making sure that your ex does not find out what the new number is. Have them put your new number in their cell phones under a different name, so that he can't grab their phones and look up the new number. If the drive-bys continue and/or get worse, get a restraining order so that they can no longer drive past your house honking.
Why protect this loser? Let your family know what he has done. They probably know more than they are telling you already, I highly doubt that this infantile behavior has not been seen by them in some way.

Answer 2

This is very easy to answer. It's called the mid-life crisis and there was an article on it in one of the papers yesterday. He's gone, "Hello, I'm 53, help!". Both of these people are insecure majorly but for different reasons. The girl has a low self-esteem and that is why she has ended up with someone of 53 at her age and he has ended up a wuss because he's running around to her every need. She tells him what to do and he thinks if he doesn't do as she says she'll leave him.

Then perhaps by the horn thing she is making sure he can't go back to you and if they split he'll be stuffed basically. She's feeling insecure and rubbing it in your face and he's trying to badly say, "Look how successful I am!" when really he isn't feeling that at all, he is playing the role. In my opinion people that have to *show* public affection for reaction are not in the lovey-doveyness they think they are. It is a game. So take comfort from the fact he's a wuss, running around her in a pretend relationship and know that. Don't tell him, just know.

The other thing you do is change your mobile. Most markets can unlock it if it isn't already or maybe even the provider can change the number on your SIM. Then just text everyone else your new number that you care for and NOT these two.
You don't deserve this game, things will not change until they split (which is out your control) and you should value yourself more highly. So go, "**** off then!" and change it.

If you do this, you may think she is winning, but she isn't. It is the man that will get the hard time because she now has more power over him, she is closing off all his exits so she doesn't lose him and has him as her wuss. He will get to know you are no longer bothered by him. That won't make him feel great, especially with her rubbing that in. Also, the buzz they got from pissing you off is no longer there and now she'll start getting bored and irritated by him and flirting with younger guys.

So this will sound hard, but have nothing to do with them. Don't pretend that your husband is still in your life - he wants to only hurt you to make himself feel good and her likewise. If you ignore them and don't care, within a year he'll have split up and that was all down to his doing not yours. DON'T FEEL GUILTY.

However, you won't see the result because by then you won't care (maybe will even be with someone else). If you look to find out it means he has won because you still care about him. Make yourself move on and find someone better that deserves you and also you deserve that to yourself.

If they keep persisting, then going by a friend on MSN I've chatted with, get an order preventing them coming near you. That will also piss them off. If you do all this they will split up in time. Might be a while, but they will or he'll end up being a wuss and mistreated by her. But that isn't your problem, that was his choice to make. And don't care. Let them have each other.

Answer 3

I am so sorry :( Your story is very sad... and I cannot believe that your ex husband would do something like that to you and proceed to harrass you this way even after the fact. It seems like he is gloating in spite of your heartbreak, and to me its almost as if its guilt covered up in showing off.

I dont know if that makes sense... but sometimes people feel so guilty about something, that the only way they can feel better is by playing it off and playing it up as if they enjoy it. But if you dont deserve it, and he knows it, it just really makes him look like a coward... Especially since the 28 year old is calling you names as if she was 18.

I dont think there is anything you can do at this point. These people have no respect and if you actually approach them together, or one on one, you risk losing your dignity if they wont listen... Almost seems like they would laugh.

Perhaps a letter? If I were you, I know I wouldnt want to see these people at all, and I would probably tell everyone the truth so they understand why I am acting the way i am. Maybe unified, you will be able to get the truth out there and everyone can help tame the disrespect they are bestowing on you.

AND most importantly, I would take this as a blessing since you now have a new opportunity for a second chance. Now you can do things the right way in your life. WITHOUT someone who is a creep. You should never be treated this way.

Good luck

Answer 4

Honey, he's not taking courage by your lack of response, by the sounds of it - its making him p***ed off!Continue as you are, show them that their stupid antics mean nothing to you. All he wants is to provoke a reaction from you, don't give him the satisfaction of that. Get a new mobile number, and if needs be change your land-line number. Don't keep things bottled up though, I know its hard to believe that the man you loved and trusted could behave in such a way (my ex behaved just the same), but if your children are old enough (you don't mention ages) then don't hesitate to tell them edited details, and no matter how old you get, your parents are the best source of advice and support you can get.

I know things seem dreadful at the moment, but I promise they will get better. If you haven't already, get the divorce papers ready, and thank your lucky stars that you're no longer with such a weak minded individual. And get ready for the last laugh, I can't really see the girl staying with him for too long, and should he want to come back, you'll have the great satisfaction of saying no! x

Answer 5

See a solicitor. You will be feeling vunerable at the moment and that is natural your whole world has been turned upside down. However you must use all avenues open to you. They are harassing and bullying you and this can be stopped. Rethink the issue with your family they would want to help and support you and may feel hurt when they eventually find out. You must not blame yourself, women are inclined to do that, Anger will come but just remember that when the reality sets in there is every chance that he will want to come BACK be strong and then make a rational decision. There are also lots of agencies that will support you through this. Most are listed telephone book etc.... Good Luck and keep your chin up he will realise at some point what a lovely person he has lost....

Answer 6

you know what the best thing you can do is go reincvent yourself
start dating go out

I set up a networking group on yahoo to meet other women
stop being a victim be a winner
start telling yourself your a winner and be one they are walking all over you ccause your letting them be strong move on find happinbess
with or without a man
get a hobby
to be honest not being nasty but if you were this down troaden when he was wiuth you then thats why he sought a woman elsewhere men want sexy fun vibrant
stop being a mom and be a sophisticated sexy woman
join a gym go to slas classes get your hair done buy some new make up and clothes

get some positive people round dont let him think he is the big man
forget he exists and get back to having a life not pining for the one that no longer exists

im being cruel to be kind here
slap yourself round the face and get over it
just think of it this way he had to go for a woman hale your age for him to think he had someone better than you

Id say thats quite a compliment
the only thing that he could improve upon was your age

good luck keep smiling in a year you'll wonder why you cared

Answer 7

My heart bleeds for you. You are too good for him. Please have some self respect and recognise that his stupidity does not reflect badly on you if you go ahead and be honest with your family. You don't have to go into detail - that just makes you sound bitter - but neither do you have to cover up for him or make excuses for him. He's a grown man - if he makes stupid decisions he should be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Trying to pretend it hasn't happened just makes you seem desperate and grasping and, dare I say it, a sad old cow. I'm sorry you have been hurt, but the best revenge is to blossom without him, become the strong, beautiful woman I know you are, and move on.

You deserve to be loved and you need support in this difficult time. Tell your family that your husband has made a prat out of himself, and rebuild your life without him. And when he comes snivelling and grovelling, tell him where to go.

If counselling might help, see your GP or look in your local Yellow Pages.

Answer 8

Sounds like they were made for each other. Also sounds to me like he expected a bigger reaction or revenge from you. The dignity which you have held onto is an irritation to him and he is trying to wear it down. Don't allow this to happen. Quietly get a restraining order on both of them and maintain silence from you directly. I feel he is trying to provoke a reaction as in proof of jealousy or what ever self indulgant thought going through his mind. It would suit his purpose if you were a sad old cow.......then he could justify his behaviour. BUT you are certainly not that and the level of immaturity from both of them is sad. They will in time fall out.....almost inevitable I imagine with the sort of mentality they have and then the focus will be elsewhere. This is all horrible for you but I admire your courage and the grip on dignity. Good luck.

Answer 9

He's not taking courage from your lack of response. He is frustrated because you have been able to maintain you dignity when any average woman would have went on a rampage. You have handled this with class, that old saying "never let them see you sweat" rings true hear.

But onto you, it really isn't healthy to keep all this pain inside. You really need to find someone you can talk to, a friend, a pastor, or even a counsellor. I admire the fact that you don't want to bring your children and parents into this. But you really need to get it out with someone.

Answer 10

My husband of 15 years picked a girl that looked just like me only 10 years younger. When I was in ICU from peritonitis from burst appendix, he moved her and her three kids into my home. This was in 2001. We're divorced now. I don't know for sure, but these guys seem to go through some kind of insanity to try to hold on to their youth. Trouble for the girl is the guy is gonna get REAL old real fast from living a younger lifestyle.
This girl left him when our beautiful 2 story home had to be sold in the divorce. She just wanted his stuff.
Anyway. They're both immature, (your husband and the girl). Get a different cell phone number. If they keep driving by and honking, you could file charges.
I'm thinking maybe you're not telling folks has something to do with maybe your self esteem. Maybe not. I was embarrassed to tell folks at first because I was trying to figure out what it was that I had done to make this happen, but it wasn't my fault.
Don't let them get to you, you're better than that.
try to cut off as much communication with him as possible.
I don't know if they get over it or not.